As you can see I haven't continued with my "What if?" list. It seems constantly talking about every little thing that could possibly go wrong was bringing me down and contributing to my depressed mood a few months ago. I am all for being prepared for the worst case scenarios but at the same time I don't want to dwell on them.
And while the subject of babies has not graced this blog in a while, the topic is never far from my mind. Not a day goes by when I don't think about my plans and the mountains I must climb before I can put them in motion.
Also, I seem to be in a mourning-the-dream phase again. These feelings come and go but with a friend getting engaged a couple days ago, reading a book with a seriously crush-worthy character, and the holidays just around the corner, the dream of finding a boyfriend has been worse than ever lately. Almost bad enough to make me want to get back on dating websites...not that I have time right now.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
The Story Continues
I wanted the previous post to be all about Miss Priss since it was a tribute to her, but there is another part to the story. The part of Ghost Kitty.
No, I'm not talking about Miss Priss come back from the grave, this cat is very much alive.
"He" showed up a few days after Miss Priss. (I say "he" because we're only guessing on the gender)
A tiny kitten stealing her leftovers. Sometimes she didn't care, sometimes she would chase him. When scared he would slip under our freight door, left partially open in the summertime, and hide in the store's basement. Sometimes we would catch a flash of white when we went to the basement and we knew he was down there. But his using the floor as a litterbox put an end to us keeping the freight door open.
Still, he kept coming back for leftovers, scavenging what he could and never letting anyone get too close.
J told me one time that he tried to follow the kitten as it ran to the neighboring building but by the time J got around the freight ramp the cat had disappeared.
A few days later the little kitten was again on the other side of the freight ramp. I happened to be leaving work and J was outside with me. J kept the kitten's attention on him while I crept slowly around the ramp. But before I could get to the other side the kitten noticed me and took off running. This time, though, I was close enough to see him go up the stairs of the building next door. So J and I followed him up the stairs to the roof area where the two buildings are joined, but we could see no sign of him. We looked in every possible hiding spot while keeping an eye on the stairs which were the only means of egress. No luck, it was as though he had disappeared entirely. Thus earning him the nickname of Ghost Kitty.
But when we exited the roof and were back on ground level there was his little kitten face peeking at us from the top of the stairs. Somehow, somewhere he was hiding on the roof.
The next time we were presented with a chance to follow him we did, even Miss Priss came searching with us this time and delighted in checking out the roof. And this time J solved the mystery. You see, there's a thin branch of tree that extends near to the roof from the front of our building. After scouring the entire roof J was sure that Ghost Kitty had climbed into the tree so we exited the roof and went around the front of the building and there was the tiny kitten huddled high up in the tree watching us warily.
I didn't see much of Ghost Kitty after that but J assured me he was still around, though wary as ever. And when Miss Priss died and there were no longer cat food cans outside to scavenge I thought we had seen the last of him, until one day in early November J saw him on the back porch looking for food. J put a can out and the next day it was licked clean, so he put another can out. It too was emptied. Pretty soon Ghost Kitty started to show up for regular evening feedings. And not long after J cut a hole in a large cardboard box, filled it with padding, put some reinforcement on the outside and set it up under the porch just in case Ghost Kitty needed it. And we think he uses it sometimes to get out of the cold and while he's waiting for food.
Now, with his regular feedings he has grown from a kitten to a full-grown cat, though he's not more than a year old. He even meows at us now when he's hungry in short high-pitched bursts all stringed together. But he is not tame. He runs away whenever we go to put the food out. No one can get closer than six feet before he runs away, though we are all very calm around him and don't make any sudden moves in his direction. Still he remains wary and unsure, almost feral. He is nowhere close to being the store kitty that Miss Priss was, but I find myself looking forward to closing time even more now so I can peek at him from behind the window.
And I wouldn't be surprised if "he" showed up one day with kittens in tow.
I wish I could get better pictures of him, but these were taken through a window with the porch light as the only source of light. Plus my camera is old and gets very grainy when I have to zoom.
No, I'm not talking about Miss Priss come back from the grave, this cat is very much alive.
"He" showed up a few days after Miss Priss. (I say "he" because we're only guessing on the gender)
A tiny kitten stealing her leftovers. Sometimes she didn't care, sometimes she would chase him. When scared he would slip under our freight door, left partially open in the summertime, and hide in the store's basement. Sometimes we would catch a flash of white when we went to the basement and we knew he was down there. But his using the floor as a litterbox put an end to us keeping the freight door open.
Still, he kept coming back for leftovers, scavenging what he could and never letting anyone get too close.
J told me one time that he tried to follow the kitten as it ran to the neighboring building but by the time J got around the freight ramp the cat had disappeared.
A few days later the little kitten was again on the other side of the freight ramp. I happened to be leaving work and J was outside with me. J kept the kitten's attention on him while I crept slowly around the ramp. But before I could get to the other side the kitten noticed me and took off running. This time, though, I was close enough to see him go up the stairs of the building next door. So J and I followed him up the stairs to the roof area where the two buildings are joined, but we could see no sign of him. We looked in every possible hiding spot while keeping an eye on the stairs which were the only means of egress. No luck, it was as though he had disappeared entirely. Thus earning him the nickname of Ghost Kitty.
But when we exited the roof and were back on ground level there was his little kitten face peeking at us from the top of the stairs. Somehow, somewhere he was hiding on the roof.
The next time we were presented with a chance to follow him we did, even Miss Priss came searching with us this time and delighted in checking out the roof. And this time J solved the mystery. You see, there's a thin branch of tree that extends near to the roof from the front of our building. After scouring the entire roof J was sure that Ghost Kitty had climbed into the tree so we exited the roof and went around the front of the building and there was the tiny kitten huddled high up in the tree watching us warily.
I didn't see much of Ghost Kitty after that but J assured me he was still around, though wary as ever. And when Miss Priss died and there were no longer cat food cans outside to scavenge I thought we had seen the last of him, until one day in early November J saw him on the back porch looking for food. J put a can out and the next day it was licked clean, so he put another can out. It too was emptied. Pretty soon Ghost Kitty started to show up for regular evening feedings. And not long after J cut a hole in a large cardboard box, filled it with padding, put some reinforcement on the outside and set it up under the porch just in case Ghost Kitty needed it. And we think he uses it sometimes to get out of the cold and while he's waiting for food.
Now, with his regular feedings he has grown from a kitten to a full-grown cat, though he's not more than a year old. He even meows at us now when he's hungry in short high-pitched bursts all stringed together. But he is not tame. He runs away whenever we go to put the food out. No one can get closer than six feet before he runs away, though we are all very calm around him and don't make any sudden moves in his direction. Still he remains wary and unsure, almost feral. He is nowhere close to being the store kitty that Miss Priss was, but I find myself looking forward to closing time even more now so I can peek at him from behind the window.
And I wouldn't be surprised if "he" showed up one day with kittens in tow.
I wish I could get better pictures of him, but these were taken through a window with the porch light as the only source of light. Plus my camera is old and gets very grainy when I have to zoom.
 |
| The markings on his side kind of look like a cartoon cat! |
 |
| By the food dish |
 |
| Ready to run at a moment's notice |
Sunday, November 27, 2011
A Tribute
Note: This is long, and I'm writing it because I want to get the memories down before they fade away. Feel free to skip.
Edit: J has been previously known as PBJ
Edit: J has been previously known as PBJ
For the best little store kitty we were never supposed to have...
July 19th, 2011: She appeared in the parking lot out of nowhere, shying away from my headlights she made a quick dash down the freight ramp. I was taking J back to our workplace so he could finish a few things after our night out to watch Har.ry P0tter 7.2. I parked in the lot and J went to find her. Almost immediately she came to his call and he brought her into my car.
Petite, sweet, and black with yellow eyes she was almost a carbon copy of my own cat, except for the small white patch she sported on her chest. It was love at first sight.
She purred, and loved on us, and reveled in our attentions. But the best part (for her) was when J went into work and brought out a can of cat food (it had been in transit to his own cats). When she heard the sound of it being opened she leaped out of the open door of my car and made a beeline for the porch. Clearly she recognized the sound.
By the time I arrived at work the next morning she had already acquired her own box lined with a fleece blanket. Plus a water dish and more food, all courtesy of J. Something tells me it was love at first sight for him too.
Late July through August: We figured she belonged to someone in one of the nearby apartments or condos. We thought that was where she went when she wasn't hanging around outside work. But we fed her anyway since she kept coming back. Eventually we asked around at some of the condos and apartments but no one claimed her. We stuck an ad in the Lost and Found section of the newspaper. Still no one claimed her. We put a collar on her with a paper tag that said she was being fed by us. She ripped the tag off.
Eventually we stopped looking for an owner and figured she was ours. Everyone at work liked her and the boss didn't mind her being around. So what if the lease expressly forbid having pets on the premise? She was outside most of the time anyway sleeping in her box or hiding in the shrubs jungle . And it wasn't like the landlords came around that often.
Thus she became a mostly permanent fixture, always near to hand except during her mid-morning and afternoon strolls. Customers even started expecting her.
One customer (who already had more than the unlicensed limit of cats) offered to take her. But she was ours, J's and mine and the store's. We couldn't let her go. The thought of her going home with one of our coworkers was hard enough, but going with someone who only came around occasionally? Unthinkable. Besides, this customer had already given J one of her cats because she had too many.
Those warm August evenings were the best. I remember sitting out on the bench above her box after work and she would crawl into my lap, curl up and purr. I would enjoy the sunshine and shade and read my book. She would have stayed for hours on my lap but I always had to get home for dinner. One time she even curled up half on my lap and half on J's and we all enjoyed the summer evening together.
September: With the cold and the busy season coming and always the threat of discovery by the landlords we had to explore our options for a permanent home.The boss couldn't take her. She has a mean old cat who would have picked on her. J couldn't take her, he was already at the city's limit on pets (even without his neighbor's cat who sneaks in the cat door). K couldn't take her, she lived in a no-pet apartment. S was moving out of town.
I wanted to bring her home with me. I wanted her so much I felt guilty, like I was betraying my own sweet, loving, beautiful, wonderful old kitty with the thought of bringing another cat into her territory. But oh how I wanted her. I begged my mother to let me bring her home, feeling like the ten year old I was when I begged my mother to let me get the sweet kitty I still have today. No dice. My mother was convinced another cat would mark it's territory right on her carpets. It was clear I needed to redouble my efforts toward saving up for my own place.
Finally R thought she might be able to take her, after she and her husband returned from a trip in October, and so long as their dog was okay with a cat in the house. Problem (mostly) solved.
By the end of September the kitty (we had taken to calling her Miss Priss despite the fact she was most definitely not a priss) was coming inside more frequently. J made her another blanket-covered bed in a back room. It was so nice to go back there when things were stressful out front and pet her. She would purr and make everything better.
I can't help but smile when I remember she used to use the fake tree with the realistic bark as her own personal scratching post. She tore open a bag of catnip and then a bag of oregano when the catnip was gone. She jumped on the counters and sought out the most out-of-the-way corners to explore. She conned customers into letting her in and out. But always she remained sweet and inclined to like everybody. Never biting or scratching or even trying to. And her meows were nearly silent. She was the perfect store kitty.
During her strolls outside she visited some of the neighboring businesses. Once she even spent the night with one of our customers who lives nearby when she found her meowing outside our door after the store was closed. Because of this we decided it was time she permanently wore the bright pink collar we had bought for her and we wrote "I'm fed at (name of store)" and our phone number on it, not messing with paper tags this time.
October: She would have landed in kitty jail (the animal shelter) if it hadn't been for that collar. She was picked up by one of the parking lot attendants while she was outside. And we were warned: next time she would be considered "cat at large" and go to the animal shelter, collar or no collar. Still we couldn't keep her inside at all times as she would sneak out with customers. Plus she enjoyed her sojourns into the wild. And we weren't supposed to have pets inside anyways. Besides, R would be coming back on the 21st and Miss Priss would be off to her new home.
October 14th, 2011: We got the call around 5:00. A cat with our phone number on her collar had been hit by a car. The man who hit her was devastated but he called and then brought her body down to us. I tried, unsuccessfully, to hold back tears until closing time at 6:00. J put her in her box on her favorite fleece blanket. She looked so peaceful, like she was only sleeping. We petted her and said our goodbyes and together we held each other and cried over the loss of our sweet friend. The next day J buried her in the little patch of grass behind the store. I've never seen J cry so hard. I'm crying now just thinking about that day.
We'll never know how she came to be in our store parking lot so late on a warm summer night or why no one came forward to claim her, despite her very agreeable personality. But I do know J and I will always be thankful for the few short months we got to spend with her. The few short months we got the chance to have a store kitty.
We love you and miss you Miss Priss.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
How I Spent October
I think I got on my computer a total of two times in October. Every other second of free time I had was spent turning this:
into this:
with the help of my kitty of course
So I've spent the beginning of November doing everything else I put off in October and now I'm back and catching up on all the blogs I've missed and giving my sewing machine a much needed rest.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Surgery For Sis
My sister had surgery for endometriosis yesterday. This is something new for her as she has not had symptoms up until about a year ago (the onset was probably delayed due to her pregnancies). But once it started it grew rapidly because the doctor said he removed quite a lot of endo from her.
In fact it is something new for me too because, as seems to be the tradition in my family, I am the last to know these things. It was only a week ago that my mother told me what my sister was having surgery for and how long she'd had symptoms. Like my ears are too innocent (ha!) at age 27 to hear about anything having to do with that region of the body. But familial lack of communication aside....
The surgery went well, except she had a really pushy nurse who made her get dressed before she was fully recovered from the anesthesia and kept making her sit up in the bed even though sitting made her nauseous and dizzy and made her abdomen hurt worse.
But my sister is at her home now and recovering nicely, for which I am very glad.
In fact it is something new for me too because, as seems to be the tradition in my family, I am the last to know these things. It was only a week ago that my mother told me what my sister was having surgery for and how long she'd had symptoms. Like my ears are too innocent (ha!) at age 27 to hear about anything having to do with that region of the body. But familial lack of communication aside....
The surgery went well, except she had a really pushy nurse who made her get dressed before she was fully recovered from the anesthesia and kept making her sit up in the bed even though sitting made her nauseous and dizzy and made her abdomen hurt worse.
But my sister is at her home now and recovering nicely, for which I am very glad.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Snacking
(First of all: Ali - thanks for the suggestion, I've looked before and didn't find one that worked with my schedule, but it may be time to try looking again)
I feel a little bit better today, a little lighter. I think letting my feelings out yesterday helped. And while I wish I had a better plan of action for how to move forward with my goals, at least I have something to start with.
I have a list of Big goals (ones that take more time, planning, and money) and Little goals (ones that should be easier and cheaper to accomplish). I'm going to start with the little goals and see what I can cross off.
My first goal is to turn my mad snacking habit around. I swear all my pants and skirts shrunk on the drying rack because I can barely squeeze into them, even the new stuff I got in the next size up is starting to feel tight. (By the way, those pics of me were taken a couple years ago right before my clothes "shrunk")
Okay, so I've figured out that I get pretty hungry between breakfast and lunchtime so if I don't take a snack with me to work then I end up eating whatever easily accessible high-priced junk we have there. This usually means giant chocolate chip cookies, jerky, chocolate, ice cream, etc. So my goal is to always bring something healthy from home.
It's the healthy part that makes this goal tricky. I like fruits and vegetables, but I think they are rather boring when they're plain, and those other snacks are just so tempting to my taste buds. So I ask any of you that may be reading, do you have any great ideas for snacks??
I feel a little bit better today, a little lighter. I think letting my feelings out yesterday helped. And while I wish I had a better plan of action for how to move forward with my goals, at least I have something to start with.
I have a list of Big goals (ones that take more time, planning, and money) and Little goals (ones that should be easier and cheaper to accomplish). I'm going to start with the little goals and see what I can cross off.
My first goal is to turn my mad snacking habit around. I swear all my pants and skirts shrunk on the drying rack because I can barely squeeze into them, even the new stuff I got in the next size up is starting to feel tight. (By the way, those pics of me were taken a couple years ago right before my clothes "shrunk")
Okay, so I've figured out that I get pretty hungry between breakfast and lunchtime so if I don't take a snack with me to work then I end up eating whatever easily accessible high-priced junk we have there. This usually means giant chocolate chip cookies, jerky, chocolate, ice cream, etc. So my goal is to always bring something healthy from home.
It's the healthy part that makes this goal tricky. I like fruits and vegetables, but I think they are rather boring when they're plain, and those other snacks are just so tempting to my taste buds. So I ask any of you that may be reading, do you have any great ideas for snacks??
Monday, September 5, 2011
Dream Home
That's not too much to ask for in a dream home, right?
After I graduated college I came home to live with my parents. I needed the comfort of home after the hell I went through during my last semester of college (friend drama). And I hadn't decided where I would go to graduate school or even if I wanted to pursue it. I had no job prospects and no other place to live, so home I went. I never would have guessed that over five years later I would still be living at home.
It was great for the first year or two while I figured things out. I got a car, I got a job, and I made some new friends. But after the first two years I was more than ready to establish some independence from my parents and I started looking for apartments. It was then I found out that rent prices in my area, especially if you have a pet, are not that much less than mortgage prices even after factoring in taxes, home owner's insurance, and private mortgage insurance. But both were out of my price range.
Even so, I stopped checking the apartment listings and set my sights on buying a home. And the solution to affording one was so simple - I would just have to get a new job.
And that was when the jobs market crashed along with the housing market and my dreams of a higher income.
For a few years while job prospects were at their worst I didn't do much of anything about finding new or extra employment. There just wasn't a lot to be found. But if I'm being honest I am partially to blame for my lack of a new job because I hate the whole process of job-hunting. It makes me nervous and anxious.
Fast-forward to the present and both markets are still in pretty bad shape. (So why do the house prices around here keep creeping up??)
Now don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful to have a full-time job with some benefits, even at a low wage. I realize that is more than some people have these days. But I can't even begin to pursue any dream, let alone motherhood, without a higher income. The job gets me the money, which pays for the house, which gives me the room and the freedom to have kids.
But for now here I sit, in my parents' house, saving my pennies for my own place, still trying to find a new job, still dreaming the American dream.
Photo Credit Here
Monday, August 29, 2011
Money, Money, Money - What if? Part 9
Will I really be able to afford single parenthood?
"Money, money, money
Must be funny
In a rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In a rich man's world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world..."
- ABBA
Parenthood is not free. This should come as no surprise to just about everybody. And I know without even doing the math that there is no way I can afford it at my current wage. And every day that goes by I grow acutely more aware of how much closer I am to 30 and how much further from my dream. Because I draw my line at bringing children into this world when I know, before they are even created, that I can't afford them. So I am on the hunt for a way to make more money. A new job, a part-time job, a day at the races, something!
"So I must leave
I'll have to go
To Las Vegas or Monaco
And win a fortune in a game
My life would never be the same..."
- ABBA
As you can see, I've already been to Vegas. Beginner's luck on the blackjack tables netted me about $30.
"Money, money, money
Must be funny
In a rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In a rich man's world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world..."
- ABBA
Parenthood is not free. This should come as no surprise to just about everybody. And I know without even doing the math that there is no way I can afford it at my current wage. And every day that goes by I grow acutely more aware of how much closer I am to 30 and how much further from my dream. Because I draw my line at bringing children into this world when I know, before they are even created, that I can't afford them. So I am on the hunt for a way to make more money. A new job, a part-time job, a day at the races, something!
I'll have to go
To Las Vegas or Monaco
And win a fortune in a game
My life would never be the same..."
- ABBA
As you can see, I've already been to Vegas. Beginner's luck on the blackjack tables netted me about $30.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Overwhelmed - What if? - Part 8
I think I have finally caught up on all the posts I missed when my computer was being fixed and first I must say my heart goes out to Shannon and Claire. Both of you ladies are so strong. I wish you both the best possible outcomes.
What will I do if I get overwhelmed?
I've been dreading writing this post because I have no good answer to this question. It's not even an easy question to pin down because what might be overwhelming on one day could be doable on another. The planner in me wants a solution at the ready for any problem that could come up. But I know that is impossible. I need to learn to roll with the punches a little more. Be a little more flexible in my plans and make the best of the time I have to get things done.
But sometimes I look at my life and I'm amazed how little I seem to accomplish in a day or a weekend. Even when I've devoted my time to crossing things off my list, somehow the mountain of things to do never shrinks. How am I possibly going to be able to add a baby to my life and get anything besides sleeping (ha!) and breathing done?? And maybe some eating thrown in there? How do you single ladies who already have kids fit in things like haircuts, banking, grocery shopping, shopping in general, household chores, doctors' visits, and all the other things that happen in life while still working full-time jobs?
I actually did a lot of thinking about this question over the past week as I wrenched, and cursed, and begged my key to release from the ignition when all I wanted to do was lock my car and go into work.
I thought what would I do if this happened and I had a screaming infant with me? It's my only car, what if my parents weren't around to loan me their truck or take my car into the shop to get fixed? It's not like I could strap an infant carrier onto a bicycle (which I don't have anyway). We don't even have any form of public transportation in my town.
What if I had to miss work to get my car repaired? I can't exactly afford to miss work, and with the boss and another employee on vacation it would have left one employee for the morning rush. What would I do if I needed to pick a sick child up from the babysitter/daycare/school? Heck, I couldn't even pick a child up from daycare at the end of my regular work hours because I couldn't get my car into drive.
These thoughts kept going through my mind on the day of Ignition Failure and I couldn't figure out what I would do if I didn't have my parents to turn to and that bothers me. Sometime between college and now I backslid a little in the independence department and I need to correct that. What would I do if I lived in a different town from them? What will I do when they're gone?
I would like to feel strong and mature and more like the adult that I am because how can I possibly be the parent to a child when sometimes I feel like a child myself? Does anyone else ever feel this way? And is parenting plus taking care of life's chores really as overwhelming as it seems? Or is it just as overwhelming but you figure it out as you go along anyway?
What will I do if I get overwhelmed?
I've been dreading writing this post because I have no good answer to this question. It's not even an easy question to pin down because what might be overwhelming on one day could be doable on another. The planner in me wants a solution at the ready for any problem that could come up. But I know that is impossible. I need to learn to roll with the punches a little more. Be a little more flexible in my plans and make the best of the time I have to get things done.
But sometimes I look at my life and I'm amazed how little I seem to accomplish in a day or a weekend. Even when I've devoted my time to crossing things off my list, somehow the mountain of things to do never shrinks. How am I possibly going to be able to add a baby to my life and get anything besides sleeping (ha!) and breathing done?? And maybe some eating thrown in there? How do you single ladies who already have kids fit in things like haircuts, banking, grocery shopping, shopping in general, household chores, doctors' visits, and all the other things that happen in life while still working full-time jobs?
I actually did a lot of thinking about this question over the past week as I wrenched, and cursed, and begged my key to release from the ignition when all I wanted to do was lock my car and go into work.
I thought what would I do if this happened and I had a screaming infant with me? It's my only car, what if my parents weren't around to loan me their truck or take my car into the shop to get fixed? It's not like I could strap an infant carrier onto a bicycle (which I don't have anyway). We don't even have any form of public transportation in my town.
What if I had to miss work to get my car repaired? I can't exactly afford to miss work, and with the boss and another employee on vacation it would have left one employee for the morning rush. What would I do if I needed to pick a sick child up from the babysitter/daycare/school? Heck, I couldn't even pick a child up from daycare at the end of my regular work hours because I couldn't get my car into drive.
These thoughts kept going through my mind on the day of Ignition Failure and I couldn't figure out what I would do if I didn't have my parents to turn to and that bothers me. Sometime between college and now I backslid a little in the independence department and I need to correct that. What would I do if I lived in a different town from them? What will I do when they're gone?
I would like to feel strong and mature and more like the adult that I am because how can I possibly be the parent to a child when sometimes I feel like a child myself? Does anyone else ever feel this way? And is parenting plus taking care of life's chores really as overwhelming as it seems? Or is it just as overwhelming but you figure it out as you go along anyway?
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I'm Back!
Over a month since my last post and finally back to blogging!
So what has happened between then and now?
My Computer
Sometime near the end of July my computer ran into a nasty bug and I had to take it in to be cleaned and updated by the professionals. I almost lost all my files, but fortunately everything was recovered. I tried to check in on everyone from other computers a few times but I kept away from logging on since they were public computers. However, my computer is all better now and I'm excited to be back!
My car
Got my first flat tire in twelve years of driving. At least it was a slow leak and not a tire explosion. But I had to drive home with it flat (fortunately not a very long drive) and that shredded the inside of the tire so bad it couldn't be patched. I had to buy a brand new one instead. Then just when my tire troubles were over my car refused to shift out of park, and it refused to release the key from the ignition. Have I mentioned this car is only five years old?! Of course the part the mechanic needs to fix it is not in stock so I have to wait for that to come in now.
The Garage Sale
I had to watch my sister sell piles of her nearly new baby girl and baby boy clothes, as well as strollers and car seats for dirt cheap and I couldn't do a darn thing about it.
Well, I think that's it for now. I'm off to check out what the rest of you have been up to!
So what has happened between then and now?
My Computer
Sometime near the end of July my computer ran into a nasty bug and I had to take it in to be cleaned and updated by the professionals. I almost lost all my files, but fortunately everything was recovered. I tried to check in on everyone from other computers a few times but I kept away from logging on since they were public computers. However, my computer is all better now and I'm excited to be back!
My car
Got my first flat tire in twelve years of driving. At least it was a slow leak and not a tire explosion. But I had to drive home with it flat (fortunately not a very long drive) and that shredded the inside of the tire so bad it couldn't be patched. I had to buy a brand new one instead. Then just when my tire troubles were over my car refused to shift out of park, and it refused to release the key from the ignition. Have I mentioned this car is only five years old?! Of course the part the mechanic needs to fix it is not in stock so I have to wait for that to come in now.
The Garage Sale
I had to watch my sister sell piles of her nearly new baby girl and baby boy clothes, as well as strollers and car seats for dirt cheap and I couldn't do a darn thing about it.
Well, I think that's it for now. I'm off to check out what the rest of you have been up to!
Friday, July 15, 2011
It's Such a Strong Word - What if? Part 7
What if my child tells me "I hate you"?
As Selkie commented in one of my previous posts, this is probably inevitable. I can just picture a child throwing this zinger out there in a fit of tween angst.
Since it's likely to happen at some point, what am I so worried about? I guess I'm worried about my own reaction. Will I be able to see past my own hurt and recognize it as the manifestation of teen or tween frustration that it (hopefully) is? Will I roll my eyes and pretend it didn't happen? Will I be sad or depressed? Will I cry?
I'll probably be wondering if my child really means it, if they'll ever forgive me for what I did or did not do that caused them to "hate" me.
But for right now I mostly wonder if I'm putting too much emphasis on something that I will just deal with, if or when it happens. No one can be the best mom ever all the time. No child is always happy. This is one of those things that isn't really preventable. The only thing I can do to prepare is toughen my hide a little and try to understand things from my child's point of view.
As Selkie commented in one of my previous posts, this is probably inevitable. I can just picture a child throwing this zinger out there in a fit of tween angst.
Since it's likely to happen at some point, what am I so worried about? I guess I'm worried about my own reaction. Will I be able to see past my own hurt and recognize it as the manifestation of teen or tween frustration that it (hopefully) is? Will I roll my eyes and pretend it didn't happen? Will I be sad or depressed? Will I cry?
I'll probably be wondering if my child really means it, if they'll ever forgive me for what I did or did not do that caused them to "hate" me.
But for right now I mostly wonder if I'm putting too much emphasis on something that I will just deal with, if or when it happens. No one can be the best mom ever all the time. No child is always happy. This is one of those things that isn't really preventable. The only thing I can do to prepare is toughen my hide a little and try to understand things from my child's point of view.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Donor vs. Dad, What if? - Part 6
What if my child resents not having a father?
What single mother by choice doesn't worry about this?
Will my future child be angry that I conceived them knowing there would be no father in their life? Will they feel as though something is missing, and will that feeling forever haunt them? What about those sappy Father's Day cards/commercials? How will they feel when they see other kids and dads interacting? Will they be envious of their friends who have dads? Will they fantasize about their donor as the perfect father? Will they be disappointed if he's not like they hoped?
My child's reaction to growing up without a father is something that I can't predict or necessarily control. My kid may feel fine about not having a dad, or may feel as though they have a hole that isn't adequately filled. Or they could embody each of these feelings at different phases in their life. And while I can't control things entirely there are some things I can do that will hopefully minimize the impact of not having a father.
On a personal note...I don't know what it's like to grow up without a dad, but I do know what it's like to wonder about one genetic side of my family. My mother is adopted. We know nothing about her birth family. She could have 10 brothers or sisters or she could be the illegitimate daughter of royalty for all we know. Right now my mother is content not searching for her birth family, and unless someone comes forward it is unlikely we will ever know who my mysterious grandparents are. Some days I am really curious about them, and then there are long stretches of time where it doesn't even cross my mind. I wonder if this is how my child will feel?
What single mother by choice doesn't worry about this?
Will my future child be angry that I conceived them knowing there would be no father in their life? Will they feel as though something is missing, and will that feeling forever haunt them? What about those sappy Father's Day cards/commercials? How will they feel when they see other kids and dads interacting? Will they be envious of their friends who have dads? Will they fantasize about their donor as the perfect father? Will they be disappointed if he's not like they hoped?
My child's reaction to growing up without a father is something that I can't predict or necessarily control. My kid may feel fine about not having a dad, or may feel as though they have a hole that isn't adequately filled. Or they could embody each of these feelings at different phases in their life. And while I can't control things entirely there are some things I can do that will hopefully minimize the impact of not having a father.
- I won't lie to my child about how they came to be. I will be open and honest and when they start asking questions I will try to answer them in an age-appropriate fashion.
- I plan to surround my child with positive male influences (right now I have my dad, my brother, my brother-in-law and my male friends).
- I will do my level best to enrich my child's life and make it as fulfilling as possible.
- I plan on using an open-identity anonymous donor. That way my child can have the option of contacting him if they want.
On a personal note...I don't know what it's like to grow up without a dad, but I do know what it's like to wonder about one genetic side of my family. My mother is adopted. We know nothing about her birth family. She could have 10 brothers or sisters or she could be the illegitimate daughter of royalty for all we know. Right now my mother is content not searching for her birth family, and unless someone comes forward it is unlikely we will ever know who my mysterious grandparents are. Some days I am really curious about them, and then there are long stretches of time where it doesn't even cross my mind. I wonder if this is how my child will feel?
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Red, White......and Blue
Taking a little break from the "what ifs".
I'm a little bummed out this holiday weekend. Normally the 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays.
When my sister started hosting it four years ago she began what came to be known as the annual 4th of July Ice Cream Contest. Anyone who wanted to participate would bring a homemade ice cream (or two!), give it a creative name, and then everyone would taste test and we would all vote on a winner. Over the years we have had such memorable favorites as:
Then once everyone had their fill of ice cream the fireworks would be lit and we would sit back and enjoy the show.
![]()
Only this year there won't be an ice cream contest, or a huge party. There won't even be fireworks.
My sister's eldest son is busy with baseball all day tomorrow and since the 4th has fallen on a Monday my sister has elected not to have a party this year.
My parents are having a small barbeque but they live within the city limits so no fireworks are allowed at their house. We'll just have to watch everyone else's fireworks.
So, I'm a bit bummed out.
Then to top it all off I was making a batch of Murky Dismal so we could at least have some ice cream for the 4th and I didn't notice the blender part that holds the blade was cracked. The hot cream and milk mixture leaked out all over the counter, down the dishwasher, and puddled in a sticky mess on the floor. So, it was back to the store for more ingredients and a new blender part. Hopefully the new batch of Murky Dismal will freeze in time for tomorrow night.
 |
| Ice creams of years past |
When my sister started hosting it four years ago she began what came to be known as the annual 4th of July Ice Cream Contest. Anyone who wanted to participate would bring a homemade ice cream (or two!), give it a creative name, and then everyone would taste test and we would all vote on a winner. Over the years we have had such memorable favorites as:
- Oink! (vanilla with chocolate covered bacon bits)
- Upside-down Apple Pie a la mode
- Murky Dismal - my prize-winner!!! (and if you've ever watched Rainbow Brite you'd understand why a grey ice cream would be called this)
- Labor-inducing Lemon (the jury is still out on whether this really induces labor, my sister ate it on the 4th and gave birth on the 7th, but she wasn't due until the 13th so who knows)
Then once everyone had their fill of ice cream the fireworks would be lit and we would sit back and enjoy the show.
My sister's eldest son is busy with baseball all day tomorrow and since the 4th has fallen on a Monday my sister has elected not to have a party this year.
My parents are having a small barbeque but they live within the city limits so no fireworks are allowed at their house. We'll just have to watch everyone else's fireworks.
So, I'm a bit bummed out.
Then to top it all off I was making a batch of Murky Dismal so we could at least have some ice cream for the 4th and I didn't notice the blender part that holds the blade was cracked. The hot cream and milk mixture leaked out all over the counter, down the dishwasher, and puddled in a sticky mess on the floor. So, it was back to the store for more ingredients and a new blender part. Hopefully the new batch of Murky Dismal will freeze in time for tomorrow night.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Multiplication, What if - Part 5
What if I have multiples?
Occasionally I find myself fantasizing about having twins. About picking out two names instead of one, having double the cute outfits, double the smiles, and double the love!
What doesn't enter into my fantasies are double the diapers, colic, teething, tantrums, lack of sleep, bills, and that I'd most likely have to have a C-section. Not to mention it would make breastfeeding more complicated, if not impossible. And the issues of having enough time and money would be multiplied.
No doubt about it, having twins as a single parent would be hard. I've seen the evidence on other blogs. Yet I would still feel blessed to be having a baby at all, let alone multiple babies.
But what would I, or could I, do to prepare for multiples?
Step one: Get over my loathing of hand-me-downs. I'm sure adding up the cost of all that baby gear and clothing (x2!) would help me get over this one fast!
Step two: Enlist the help of any friend or family member I could get my hands on. Something I would do with a single baby anyway, only I'd be moredesperate insistent with twins.
Step three: Hold on tight and hope for the best. Obviously no one can predict how life with multiples will turn out. I'm sure I would be greeted by unpredictable hiccups and bumps in the road, but that is life.
And if I had triplets, or quads, or more?? Oh boy......can I cross that road if I come to it?
P.S. As per my previous post, my parents just found out their crib (a drop-side) has been banned, so I guess they'll be getting rid of that one anyway.
| Courtesy of Google Images |
Occasionally I find myself fantasizing about having twins. About picking out two names instead of one, having double the cute outfits, double the smiles, and double the love!
What doesn't enter into my fantasies are double the diapers, colic, teething, tantrums, lack of sleep, bills, and that I'd most likely have to have a C-section. Not to mention it would make breastfeeding more complicated, if not impossible. And the issues of having enough time and money would be multiplied.
No doubt about it, having twins as a single parent would be hard. I've seen the evidence on other blogs. Yet I would still feel blessed to be having a baby at all, let alone multiple babies.
But what would I, or could I, do to prepare for multiples?
Step one: Get over my loathing of hand-me-downs. I'm sure adding up the cost of all that baby gear and clothing (x2!) would help me get over this one fast!
Step two: Enlist the help of any friend or family member I could get my hands on. Something I would do with a single baby anyway, only I'd be more
Step three: Hold on tight and hope for the best. Obviously no one can predict how life with multiples will turn out. I'm sure I would be greeted by unpredictable hiccups and bumps in the road, but that is life.
And if I had triplets, or quads, or more?? Oh boy......can I cross that road if I come to it?
P.S. As per my previous post, my parents just found out their crib (a drop-side) has been banned, so I guess they'll be getting rid of that one anyway.
Friday, June 24, 2011
It's My Party - What if, Part 4
What if I'm the only one who is excited about my pregnancy/baby/children?
Probably one of the more selfish "what ifs" but it is something I think about.
I always thought if I had a husband I would at least have one other person to share with me in the excitement of having a baby. But as a single woman I know I will have to lead the happiness parade all on my own.
Still, I would like my family and friends to be excited about me having a baby. I want them to ask me questions about my pregnancy, and eagerly plan a baby shower, and excitedly await the baby's arrival. I know I will be ecstatic and it would be nice if the others shared my enthusiasm. But...
I remember when my sister was pregnant with her third child (my parents' fourth grandchild), my mother admitted to me that she wasn't as excited about it like she was for the others. She thought it might be because it had been done three times already and there was nothing new about it.
I'll admit my heart sunk a little after hearing that. If she wasn't very excited about the fourth one how would she feel about the fifth or sixth?
I also wonder if anyone will offer to throw me a baby shower or will I have to commit a faux pas and invite people myself ?(I don't think I have the audacity to actually do that)
And how will my parents feel about another grandchild to babysit?(if/when I need them to) The last nine years of babysitting have taken a toll and my parents are only getting older. Sure, they'd be fine with it every once in a while, but what if I need them more?(oh no, more what ifs....)
Also, my parents bought a lot of baby accessories (crib, car seats, toys, etc) so they could babysit their grandkids and now that the youngest is almost three they are starting to get rid of some of it. I can't exactly beg them to keep it since I don't want them to know of my plan, yet I don't know how they'll react if they find out they need to buy it all again. (I would love to be able to buy it or provide it for them but I can't predict my financial situation that far ahead)
So, here's my contingency plan: I will pepper everyone with my enthusiasm and hope it catches on. And if no one plans me a shower then I will go out and buy myself some baby things, make a cake, put on a party hat and relax. It will be Baby Shower - Party of one (and a half!)
Probably one of the more selfish "what ifs" but it is something I think about.
I always thought if I had a husband I would at least have one other person to share with me in the excitement of having a baby. But as a single woman I know I will have to lead the happiness parade all on my own.
Still, I would like my family and friends to be excited about me having a baby. I want them to ask me questions about my pregnancy, and eagerly plan a baby shower, and excitedly await the baby's arrival. I know I will be ecstatic and it would be nice if the others shared my enthusiasm. But...
I remember when my sister was pregnant with her third child (my parents' fourth grandchild), my mother admitted to me that she wasn't as excited about it like she was for the others. She thought it might be because it had been done three times already and there was nothing new about it.
I'll admit my heart sunk a little after hearing that. If she wasn't very excited about the fourth one how would she feel about the fifth or sixth?
I also wonder if anyone will offer to throw me a baby shower or will I have to commit a faux pas and invite people myself ?(I don't think I have the audacity to actually do that)
And how will my parents feel about another grandchild to babysit?(if/when I need them to) The last nine years of babysitting have taken a toll and my parents are only getting older. Sure, they'd be fine with it every once in a while, but what if I need them more?(oh no, more what ifs....)
Also, my parents bought a lot of baby accessories (crib, car seats, toys, etc) so they could babysit their grandkids and now that the youngest is almost three they are starting to get rid of some of it. I can't exactly beg them to keep it since I don't want them to know of my plan, yet I don't know how they'll react if they find out they need to buy it all again. (I would love to be able to buy it or provide it for them but I can't predict my financial situation that far ahead)
So, here's my contingency plan: I will pepper everyone with my enthusiasm and hope it catches on. And if no one plans me a shower then I will go out and buy myself some baby things, make a cake, put on a party hat and relax. It will be Baby Shower - Party of one (and a half!)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Friends - What if Part 3
Sometime last year my friend K and I were talking about what we'd do if we never got husbands. To test the waters I jokingly threw out that I would go to the "special" bank and get myself knocked up. She replied that as long as I didn't go and sleep with some random guy that it would be okay.
I'm sure she was joking as well and has no idea that I would actually pursue the bank option but when the time comes I may just have to remind her of what she said.
So, of my friends:
EM and KK already have kids. EM will be supportive but she lives a few towns away. I suspect KK will be supportive but she could go either way depending on how inflluenced she is by her husband.
AH, P, and B like children but don't want any of their own. They will be amazed that I would choose to have a child by myself but will probably be supportive.
K will probably feel like I've betrayed the single girl's club...she'll eventually come around...I hope.
As for my guy friends, I have actually already mentioned my plans to the two I'm closest with. N expressed the wish that I don't give up so soon on finding a husband and PBJ is very indecisive about the subject. One minute he tells me I'm selfish, the next minute he's offering to be a male role model.
The more I think about it the less I feel as though my friends will reject me, but one thing I do know for sure - this will make me a subject of gossip among them. Sigh.
I'm sure she was joking as well and has no idea that I would actually pursue the bank option but when the time comes I may just have to remind her of what she said.
So, of my friends:
EM and KK already have kids. EM will be supportive but she lives a few towns away. I suspect KK will be supportive but she could go either way depending on how inflluenced she is by her husband.
AH, P, and B like children but don't want any of their own. They will be amazed that I would choose to have a child by myself but will probably be supportive.
K will probably feel like I've betrayed the single girl's club...she'll eventually come around...I hope.
As for my guy friends, I have actually already mentioned my plans to the two I'm closest with. N expressed the wish that I don't give up so soon on finding a husband and PBJ is very indecisive about the subject. One minute he tells me I'm selfish, the next minute he's offering to be a male role model.
The more I think about it the less I feel as though my friends will reject me, but one thing I do know for sure - this will make me a subject of gossip among them. Sigh.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Family Feud?? What if - Part 2
(First of all, thank you Shannon for your comment and suggestion, that is actually what I intend to do with the list! And thank you for your comment Selkie, I'll be getting back to that topic as I go down the list.)
So, over the next few posts I'd like to expand upon the "what ifs" I mentioned in the last post and perhaps I will be able to come to terms with them and what it will mean for my future.
First up: Family Acceptance
I am jealous of all the ladies whose families are so supportive and excited and hopeful for them. I wish mine would feel that way but I know they won't, at least not at first, which is why I've decided I won't be telling anyone in my family of my plans until I'm actually pregnant. Even then it probably won't be until the first trimester has passed. But I know exactly how I'll tell them when the time comes and here is how I think they will react:
My father: He will be confused. He doesn't wear his emotions for all to see but I expect he'll generally be supportive, though he probably won't give it much thought.
My mother: She is the linchpin and the "unknown quantity". She likes babies and she managed to weather my brother's "oops" pregnancy with his then girlfriend. If she reacts well then the rest of the family might follow suit but it is hard for me to tell exactly how she will react. She will probably wonder if I've thought of all the challenges and then she will point them out to me. She could also be the most supportive family member and is the one most likely to ask me questions.
My sister: She will be shocked and horrified that I would choose to have a baby with a stranger and at so young an age!! (Ironic considering she had her third and final child at 29 - but since I am the younger sister I never seem to grow up in her eyes) Anyway, I have no doubts about this reaction. Hopefully she will come around, but it might take a while.
My brother: Also a somewhat unknown quantity. He is likely to think it is all weird. He also has some strong opinions on fathers and their role in a child's life. I expect awkwardness to predominate.
My grandparents: My grandma is in her nineties and my grandpa will be ninety soon and the sad truth is they might not be around. But if they are I expect they will be grandly confused.
My Nieces and Nephews: Depending on what their parents share with them and how old they are at the time they are likely to be the most excited/indifferent. When I am 30 the oldest will be 12, the youngest will be 5.
The Family's reaction in general: It is very likely they won't even ask who the father is which kind of bothers me. They might just assume it's my friend PBJ (he is one of my good friends and not to be confused with PB&J which is of course a tasty sandwich!!). They will all likely tiptoe around the entire donor subject in my presence then discuss it more openly when I'm not around. My mother will surely be the designated question-asker who will then disseminate the information to the others as well as to the extended family. This also kind of bothers me as I would like them to ask their questions to my face.
But will I lose them over this? I don't think I will be disowned or cast out, but certain family members might not come around until there is a flesh-and-blood child present and/or they've had time to wrap their heads around the donor situation, which could take a while. So in the meantime I will try not to dwell on their imagined opinions.
So, over the next few posts I'd like to expand upon the "what ifs" I mentioned in the last post and perhaps I will be able to come to terms with them and what it will mean for my future.
First up: Family Acceptance
| You did what?!? (Image courtesy of Google Images) |
My father: He will be confused. He doesn't wear his emotions for all to see but I expect he'll generally be supportive, though he probably won't give it much thought.
My mother: She is the linchpin and the "unknown quantity". She likes babies and she managed to weather my brother's "oops" pregnancy with his then girlfriend. If she reacts well then the rest of the family might follow suit but it is hard for me to tell exactly how she will react. She will probably wonder if I've thought of all the challenges and then she will point them out to me. She could also be the most supportive family member and is the one most likely to ask me questions.
My sister: She will be shocked and horrified that I would choose to have a baby with a stranger and at so young an age!! (Ironic considering she had her third and final child at 29 - but since I am the younger sister I never seem to grow up in her eyes) Anyway, I have no doubts about this reaction. Hopefully she will come around, but it might take a while.
My brother: Also a somewhat unknown quantity. He is likely to think it is all weird. He also has some strong opinions on fathers and their role in a child's life. I expect awkwardness to predominate.
My grandparents: My grandma is in her nineties and my grandpa will be ninety soon and the sad truth is they might not be around. But if they are I expect they will be grandly confused.
My Nieces and Nephews: Depending on what their parents share with them and how old they are at the time they are likely to be the most excited/indifferent. When I am 30 the oldest will be 12, the youngest will be 5.
The Family's reaction in general: It is very likely they won't even ask who the father is which kind of bothers me. They might just assume it's my friend PBJ (he is one of my good friends and not to be confused with PB&J which is of course a tasty sandwich!!). They will all likely tiptoe around the entire donor subject in my presence then discuss it more openly when I'm not around. My mother will surely be the designated question-asker who will then disseminate the information to the others as well as to the extended family. This also kind of bothers me as I would like them to ask their questions to my face.
But will I lose them over this? I don't think I will be disowned or cast out, but certain family members might not come around until there is a flesh-and-blood child present and/or they've had time to wrap their heads around the donor situation, which could take a while. So in the meantime I will try not to dwell on their imagined opinions.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
What If?
I have a lot of issues to resolve (which I hope blogging will help with) before I can begin to introduce my eggs to some suitors, so I'll probably be taking the next few years posts to fret and worry and work through these issues because I want to be sure, absolutely sure, that I will be able to deal with the challenges of single motherhood, I owe it to my future children at the very least.
That being said....I am about 90% sure that if I am single at 30 then I will choose the choice mom path. I just can't imagine not pursuing something I've dreamed about for so long. But this leaves all my fears and doubts crammed into the 10% of uncertainty I still have. And these fears keep whirling through my head, popping up unexpected and unwanted but still there, waiting to be dealt with. So I am going to attempt to list most of the worries I have - many of which are similar to this list from a fellow blogger.
(Note: This and certain furture posts will probably be boring to anyone but me so feel free to skip, but if you had/have a similar situation or thought then feel free to share it.)
Worries:
That being said....I am about 90% sure that if I am single at 30 then I will choose the choice mom path. I just can't imagine not pursuing something I've dreamed about for so long. But this leaves all my fears and doubts crammed into the 10% of uncertainty I still have. And these fears keep whirling through my head, popping up unexpected and unwanted but still there, waiting to be dealt with. So I am going to attempt to list most of the worries I have - many of which are similar to this list from a fellow blogger.
(Note: This and certain furture posts will probably be boring to anyone but me so feel free to skip, but if you had/have a similar situation or thought then feel free to share it.)
Worries:
- What if I lose my family over this? What if I lose my friends?
- What if I'm the only one who is happy about my pregnancy/baby/children?
- What if I have multiples?
- What if my child resents not having a father?
- What if my child tells me "I hate you"?
- What will I do if I get overwhelmed?
- Will I really be able to afford single parenthood?
- What if I'm 30 and I'm still not in a home of my own?
- What if I deplete my savings on fertility treatments?
- What if I become resentful/envious because I missed out on Plan A?
- What if I never get to graduate school?
- What if I miss out on this dream too?
- What if I'm really bad at being a mother? What if I'm a boring and uncreative parent?
- What if I get really sick or die?
- What if my child has a major illness or dies?
- What if my child has special needs?
- What if someone hurts my child?
- What if my child hurts themselves?
- How will I handle sleep deprivation?
- What if I don't get much time for myself?
- What if I can't keep up with cooking and cleaning and chores?
- What if my child is bullied? What if my child is the bully?
- What if I'm too lenient in my discipline? What if I'm too harsh?
- What if I have kids who don't like each other?
- What if I don't like my kid's friends?
- What if I don't have much patience?
- What if I'm jealous of my child?
- What if I'm disappointed in my child?
- What if I'm not cut out to raise boys?
- What if I'm not cut out to raise girls?
- What if I'm spending too much time worrying and things will work out for the best?
Monday, June 13, 2011
Too Little, Too Late
Yesterday I quit the last dating site I had a profile on. I tell myself it's because I am too busy to keep up with it right now, and to some extent I am, but I know that's not my only excuse. No, the truth is I think I'm a little scared of dating again.
I've had some pretty bad first dates in the past with some boys who were less than nice when I didn't measure up to their expectations and I know their comments are still lurking in my mind eating away at my confidence.
Now whenever a guy mentions meeting up for coffee or some kind of date I go into panic mode and come up with excuses to delay it until I finally end up quiting the site.
I have no love for the dreaded first date, no excitement for the "getting to know you" phase. I just want to move on to being comfortable with each other. Do you think it's too much to ask for a relationship that starts in the middle instead of at the beginning?
In other news from the dating world I found out yesterday that one of my best guy friends has a girlfriend (sort of). They are currently in the previously mentioned "getting to know you" phase.
In the past whenever I thought about him getting a girlfriend I thought I'd be totally cool with it. Afterall I knew it was bound to happen sometime and he deserves it after four and a half years of loneliness.
So imagine my surprise when feelings other than happiness bubbled to the surface after he made his announcement. Don't get me wrong I am very happy for him, but I also feel sad. Sad in that possessive kind of way you get when you know he used to have a tiny crush on you, even though he was on the rebound at the time, and you just weren't sure if you were ready to potentially ruin a budding friendship. But I do wish him the best. Truly. Don't let the cute picture fool you.
I've had some pretty bad first dates in the past with some boys who were less than nice when I didn't measure up to their expectations and I know their comments are still lurking in my mind eating away at my confidence.
Now whenever a guy mentions meeting up for coffee or some kind of date I go into panic mode and come up with excuses to delay it until I finally end up quiting the site.
I have no love for the dreaded first date, no excitement for the "getting to know you" phase. I just want to move on to being comfortable with each other. Do you think it's too much to ask for a relationship that starts in the middle instead of at the beginning?
In other news from the dating world I found out yesterday that one of my best guy friends has a girlfriend (sort of). They are currently in the previously mentioned "getting to know you" phase.
In the past whenever I thought about him getting a girlfriend I thought I'd be totally cool with it. Afterall I knew it was bound to happen sometime and he deserves it after four and a half years of loneliness.
So imagine my surprise when feelings other than happiness bubbled to the surface after he made his announcement. Don't get me wrong I am very happy for him, but I also feel sad. Sad in that possessive kind of way you get when you know he used to have a tiny crush on you, even though he was on the rebound at the time, and you just weren't sure if you were ready to potentially ruin a budding friendship. But I do wish him the best. Truly. Don't let the cute picture fool you.
| Photo courtesy of Google Images |
Monday, June 6, 2011
A Little More About Me
So what do I do with the rest of my life when I'm not thinking about babies?
I love, love, love reading. For me it has always been a fun escape and a way to soothe my adventurous side. I just love it when characters in books begin to feel like old friends and you can't wait to get back to the book to see what happens to them next. I've even added a page called the Library where I keep track of all the different book series I'm in the middle of. The page is still under construction but feel free to check it out.
I also enjoy baking, especially desserts. Cakes, cupcakes, cheesecakes, cookies, pies, you name it. Heck, I even enjoy making desserts that don't need baking like ice cream and trifles, yum! Cooking on the other hand...well, that's a work in progress. I am not one of those cooks that can just pull stuff out of the pantry and throw it together to make a fantastic meal. No, I must always have a recipe on hand to follow.
Traveling is another thing I enjoy. I have a goal to visit all seven continents (I've been to three!!!) and all fifty states (I've only been to thirteen so far since I don't count airports). Traveling also goes hand in hand with another favorite thing of mine, Anthropology/Archaeology, which I have my bachelors degree in. I feel like a wide-eyed child when I travel to a new place. It's such an experience just absorbing the sights, sounds, smells, and energy of a different culture. It makes me feel connected with both the present and the past.
Well, that's certainly not the extent of what I enjoy but it is getting late so I will continue this when my brain isn't so sleepy. Goodnight!
| Image courtesy of Google Images |
I love, love, love reading. For me it has always been a fun escape and a way to soothe my adventurous side. I just love it when characters in books begin to feel like old friends and you can't wait to get back to the book to see what happens to them next. I've even added a page called the Library where I keep track of all the different book series I'm in the middle of. The page is still under construction but feel free to check it out.
 |
| My recent attempt at Key Lime with meringue |
I also enjoy baking, especially desserts. Cakes, cupcakes, cheesecakes, cookies, pies, you name it. Heck, I even enjoy making desserts that don't need baking like ice cream and trifles, yum! Cooking on the other hand...well, that's a work in progress. I am not one of those cooks that can just pull stuff out of the pantry and throw it together to make a fantastic meal. No, I must always have a recipe on hand to follow.
 |
| My latest vacation |
Traveling is another thing I enjoy. I have a goal to visit all seven continents (I've been to three!!!) and all fifty states (I've only been to thirteen so far since I don't count airports). Traveling also goes hand in hand with another favorite thing of mine, Anthropology/Archaeology, which I have my bachelors degree in. I feel like a wide-eyed child when I travel to a new place. It's such an experience just absorbing the sights, sounds, smells, and energy of a different culture. It makes me feel connected with both the present and the past.
Well, that's certainly not the extent of what I enjoy but it is getting late so I will continue this when my brain isn't so sleepy. Goodnight!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Nice to see you Auntie!
Well, AF finally showed up yesterday at CD 40. Showing up late seems to be her pattern this year and it worries me. Two other cycles since January have been 40 and 43 days long.
I've had erratic cycles since I first started getting AF and this year I finally decided to speak with my doctor about it at my annual appointment. I even typed up a little sheet showing my cycle lengths since 2007 when I started keeping track. She glanced at my sheet, told me that cycles between 21 and 35 days are normal, mentioned that if my cycles continue to lengthen that I should let her know, and as an aside she casually threw in that it might take me longer to get pregnant because I might not be ovulating every cycle. And then she proceeded with my regular exam. Huh. She even handed back the copy of my cycles I had made her.
I guess I wasn't sure what I expected her to do. Perhaps I need to be a better advocate for my health and demand testing, or maybe I'm overreacting. She did mention that stress can be a factor in cycle lengths and I have been under a lot of stress. This could also explain why AF has shown up just in time for my last four vacations. (How does she do that?) But stress doesn't explain why my cycles have always been wonky. Why they seem to be lengthening this year. Why 22 of the last 54 cycles have fallen outside the 21-to-35-day range. For example here are my cycle lengths for 2009: 22, 39, 38, 22, 20, 33, 22, 27, 36, 44, 36, 44. See what I mean by wonky?
So what does it all mean?
Do I have PCOS? (I have some symptoms, but not all). Do I have some other hormonal problem? Or am I just extremely sensitive to stress? And most of all, should I get my hormones tested now or wait to have them tested until I'm actually trying to get pregnant?
I've had erratic cycles since I first started getting AF and this year I finally decided to speak with my doctor about it at my annual appointment. I even typed up a little sheet showing my cycle lengths since 2007 when I started keeping track. She glanced at my sheet, told me that cycles between 21 and 35 days are normal, mentioned that if my cycles continue to lengthen that I should let her know, and as an aside she casually threw in that it might take me longer to get pregnant because I might not be ovulating every cycle. And then she proceeded with my regular exam. Huh. She even handed back the copy of my cycles I had made her.
I guess I wasn't sure what I expected her to do. Perhaps I need to be a better advocate for my health and demand testing, or maybe I'm overreacting. She did mention that stress can be a factor in cycle lengths and I have been under a lot of stress. This could also explain why AF has shown up just in time for my last four vacations. (How does she do that?) But stress doesn't explain why my cycles have always been wonky. Why they seem to be lengthening this year. Why 22 of the last 54 cycles have fallen outside the 21-to-35-day range. For example here are my cycle lengths for 2009: 22, 39, 38, 22, 20, 33, 22, 27, 36, 44, 36, 44. See what I mean by wonky?
So what does it all mean?
Do I have PCOS? (I have some symptoms, but not all). Do I have some other hormonal problem? Or am I just extremely sensitive to stress? And most of all, should I get my hormones tested now or wait to have them tested until I'm actually trying to get pregnant?
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Quantum Questions
Do you believe in fate or chance? I really can’t decide, but the more I think about the Choice Mom path the more I come up with unanswerable questions, such as:
- What if I begin trying to have a baby after I turn 30 and I miss out on meeting Mr. Right?
- What if I would have met him but he passes me by because I’m pregnant, or have a kid?
- What if I decide to delay trying for a baby so instead of going to a doctor’s appointment I go to, let’s say a grocery store, and there I meet The One?
- Or what if I wait 10+ years for him to get his white-horse-riding, shining-armor-wearing butt over here and he doesn’t show, and it’s too late?
- What if I wait 10 years, and then I meet him, and it’s still too late?
- What if I don’t meet him until I’m 50?....Or 60?....Or older?
- What if I never meet him?
- What if I already lost my chance with the one that would have been The One?
- What if no man was created to be my other half?
But what if every step I take is the one I’m meant to take? What if being a Choice mom is what I'm truely meant to be, whether some guy comes along later or not?
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Meet my Furbaby!
Her name is Gypsy. She is 17. I've had her since I was 10. She is really more of a deep chocolate brown color. She is a princess. She hates having her photo taken. And I couldn't ask for a better furbaby!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
The New Plan
I have to start off by saying that if my thoughts seem a bit jumbled, it's because they are. I'm just trying to work out what it's like to be a brand-spankin' new blogger. So exciting, yet oddly intimidating at the same time!
As for the new plan, let's start at the very beginning.........
I have always known that I wanted to be a mother. That some day I would like to have a baby or two (or five!). In my baby book my mother has recorded what I said when I came home from my first day of kindergarten. When I strolled through the door my mother asked, "How was it?" to which I replied "It was okay, but I'd rather have a baby." True story. I can still remember saying that.
The yearning to be a mother has never left me. I played with dolls all throughout my childhood, even into the years when most girls started putting away their dolls in favor of make-up and other "grown-up" things. Though I eventually put away the dolls (I believe they are still tucked away in storage), the desire only got worse when I hit puberty, and worse still when girls in my high school got pregnant. (For the record I never wanted to be a teenage mother, but I was still oh so jealous of their bellies and their babies, though definitely not jealous of the reputations they earned, deserved or not).
Then came the nephews and nieces and my desires and hopes grew along with some worries and fears (which I'm sure I will cover in great length at a later date).
So, where was I? Oh yes, The New Plan.
The end of that last crush ushered in my new "relaxed" attitude about dating. As in I will no longer do the asking, instead I will wait to be asked. And I won't even mention how many times I have (not) been asked in the last two years. But this new attitude has had the odd effect of making me feel so much better about myself. I feel like I know myself more. Instead of spending my time chasing and pining after guys I barely know I've been doing things I always wanted to do. I feel happier than I have since my sweet 16!
That's not to say I wouldn't welcome a man of the potential-husband variety. So now we (finally) come to the Plan:
As for the new plan, let's start at the very beginning.........
I have always known that I wanted to be a mother. That some day I would like to have a baby or two (or five!). In my baby book my mother has recorded what I said when I came home from my first day of kindergarten. When I strolled through the door my mother asked, "How was it?" to which I replied "It was okay, but I'd rather have a baby." True story. I can still remember saying that.
The yearning to be a mother has never left me. I played with dolls all throughout my childhood, even into the years when most girls started putting away their dolls in favor of make-up and other "grown-up" things. Though I eventually put away the dolls (I believe they are still tucked away in storage), the desire only got worse when I hit puberty, and worse still when girls in my high school got pregnant. (For the record I never wanted to be a teenage mother, but I was still oh so jealous of their bellies and their babies, though definitely not jealous of the reputations they earned, deserved or not).
Then came the nephews and nieces and my desires and hopes grew along with some worries and fears (which I'm sure I will cover in great length at a later date).
So, where was I? Oh yes, The New Plan.
The end of that last crush ushered in my new "relaxed" attitude about dating. As in I will no longer do the asking, instead I will wait to be asked. And I won't even mention how many times I have (not) been asked in the last two years. But this new attitude has had the odd effect of making me feel so much better about myself. I feel like I know myself more. Instead of spending my time chasing and pining after guys I barely know I've been doing things I always wanted to do. I feel happier than I have since my sweet 16!
That's not to say I wouldn't welcome a man of the potential-husband variety. So now we (finally) come to the Plan:
- I will try to maintain an active profile on dating websites, and I will keep an open mind toward potential suitors
- I will continue to save up for a house
- I will keep looking for a newer, better paying job (both for babies and for said house, and for my own sanity)
- and I will try to work through and plan for the potential pitfalls of becoming an SMC
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Original Plan
The year I turned 16 was the year my sister got married. It was during this time that I came up with my ideal marriage timeline.
First I would meet the man of my dreams, then after at least one year of blissful dating he would get down on one knee and propose. Planning the wedding would, of course, take about a year (or longer if my mother had a say), and then we would be husband and wife. After two years of marriage and travel and enjoying each other's company we would start a family and live happily ever after.
That was The Timeline, The Plan, the Cinderella fairytale that stuck with me for the next nine years.....
Fast forward to the age of twenty-five. After many dating failures I found myself falling hard and fast for a nice guy who worked at a local store. Weary after my latest failure I told myself this guy would be the last of the Red-Hot Crushes. The last of the guys I would play hunter for...
So when the newspaper advertised auditions for a movie he was making I jumped at the chance and tried out. Surely he would notice me now!! Well, I got a part, a small one, and I enjoyed every minute of it. It was great just to be around him, even though he was busy and had little time to talk. And then I went on Face.book. And I friended him. And I found out....he had a girlfriend, a girlfriend of three years!
It was at this point I realized, rather pathetically, that this was not the first time I had found myself crushing on, and blindly pursuing a guy who already had a girlfriend, even if I hadn't been aware of her. Which then led to the inevitable questions:
Where is MY guy? The one NOT already taken. The one who was made just for me?!
I've never been able to answer those questions but they got me thinking. And two years (and no more Red-Hot Crushes) later I've come up with a New Plan.
First I would meet the man of my dreams, then after at least one year of blissful dating he would get down on one knee and propose. Planning the wedding would, of course, take about a year (or longer if my mother had a say), and then we would be husband and wife. After two years of marriage and travel and enjoying each other's company we would start a family and live happily ever after.
That was The Timeline, The Plan, the Cinderella fairytale that stuck with me for the next nine years.....
Fast forward to the age of twenty-five. After many dating failures I found myself falling hard and fast for a nice guy who worked at a local store. Weary after my latest failure I told myself this guy would be the last of the Red-Hot Crushes. The last of the guys I would play hunter for...
So when the newspaper advertised auditions for a movie he was making I jumped at the chance and tried out. Surely he would notice me now!! Well, I got a part, a small one, and I enjoyed every minute of it. It was great just to be around him, even though he was busy and had little time to talk. And then I went on Face.book. And I friended him. And I found out....he had a girlfriend, a girlfriend of three years!
It was at this point I realized, rather pathetically, that this was not the first time I had found myself crushing on, and blindly pursuing a guy who already had a girlfriend, even if I hadn't been aware of her. Which then led to the inevitable questions:
Where is MY guy? The one NOT already taken. The one who was made just for me?!
I've never been able to answer those questions but they got me thinking. And two years (and no more Red-Hot Crushes) later I've come up with a New Plan.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)