The End of Cycle #2

My tests on 9DPO and 10DPO were both starkly negative.

I continued to chart my temp and it continued to fall steadily until 11DPO when it rose slightly. I started to get excited because it was also on 11DPO when my boobs started to really ache, much more so than they did in any recent cycle.

I had one HPT left, so I decide to save it in case AF didn't show up on time. But on 12DPO my temp dropped to just above coverline.

And today, on 13DPO, my temp dropped below coverline and AF made herself known.

Problem is, I'm not sure if I will be able to cycle in November OR December. Thanksgiving completely interferes with the time when I would need to order swimmers and have them shipped. Also, Thanksgiving week is an extremely busy and stressful time at work, which then kicks off the extremely stressful month of December.

And if my cycles continue in the current pattern, I am likely to ovulate sometime between Christmas and New Year's, give or take a few days. Another completely shitty time to try and coordinate shipping.

Back during my September cycle, I calculated forward and realized the holidays might end up interfering but I wanted to wait and see how that cycle and the possible October cycle played out.

During the hopeful part of this most recent 2WW, I started to formulate a plan for what I would do if this cycle didn't work. Now it's time to put that plan in action.....just, maybe not today. Today I have the sads.

Cycle #2

I'm nearly at the end of the 2ww for this second cycle.

This time around the insemination was better in some ways and worse in others. After it was done, I thought there's no way this cycle will be successful. There are definitely some things I would do differently should I need to inseminate in the future.

Anyway, something could have implanted by now so I'm trying not to analyze and overanalyze every little twinge I feel.
For the most part, my symptoms are similar to average luteal phase symptoms. Mostly, I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter what I feel symptom-wise. The hpt will either be positive or negative and there's nothing I can do right now that will change that.

My temp dipped a little today but not enough to indicate impending AF. However, I did some research into temping and noticed that not all pregnancy cycles end up tri-phasic. So, rather than rely on temps alone, I think I will test for the fun of it until or unless AF does show up.

Testing starts tomorrow, even though my hpts are not terribly sensitive and might not pick up on anything for a few days.

CD 1

My temperature dropped below coverline today and AF showed up - a day earlier than I was expecting.

I guess it's on to the next cycle.

11 DPO

My temperature is still above coverline but it dropped appreciably this morning. Because of that, I didn't end up testing today, as I should probably save those HPTs for the next cycle.

10 DPO

BFN

Longest Two Weeks in Recent Memory (& still not over)

(Meant to post this before midnight, oops. Consider it as written on the 5th.)

One minute I'm positive it worked, the next minute I'm sure it didn't. Welcome to the crazy part of my 2ww.

I was mostly chill/had my mind on other things last week, but this week I completely understand why the 2ww makes you go a little nuts. How can two weeks be so loooooong?

Confession: I did one non-serious test on 8dpo which, of course, was negative. I felt a little silly testing so early, but I kinda just wanted to get one test out of the way.
I only bought five HPTs to begin with, so I held off on testing today and will try again tomorrow.

So, I guess I'm in the stage now where I could be feeling either symptoms of pregnancy or symptoms of impending AF.

On to the symptoms (or lack thereof):

My boobs hurt, but that's normal for me during luteal phase. Plus, I read that they hurt 100x more than usual if pregnant and that's not happening right now.
I've been cramping - also normal for me during luteal phase, though it started a bit earlier than usual and it's been accompanied by low back pain (often normal when I have cramps).
I have a voracious appetite - normal.
I am moody - normal.
I've been having heartburn off and on - not normal.
The pain in my side, which I thought might be ovulation pain, lasted from the day before ovulation all the way through to yesterday, with twinges today.
Also, my temp dipped today after being high for the past two days, but it has not gone below the coverline. In fact, it is still well within normal range for this part of my cycle.

Otherwise, I feel fairly normal. I'm nowhere near as tired as I was in luteal phase last cycle. In fact, with these cramps, it almost feels like AF is going to show up early just to spite me. It wouldn't be the first time I've had a shorter than normal luteal phase (though it's usually within normal range).

But, as they say, it's not over until it's over, and AF has not shown up yet.

Side B

- If you're wondering what happened with my crush, head to Side A - 

It was not the hot delivery guy who brought the swimmers on Monday. It was just a random delivery person. :-(


A Comedy of Errors

For what it's worth, I did inseminate this week.

I started getting EWCM on Monday (CD17). I tested with an OPK in the afternoon and it was negative. Tested again around 7PM and both lines seemed to be the same color. According to the instructions, that is positive. But I knew from previous trials with these OPKs, that the line has popped up darker than the control about 24 hours prior to ovulation.

On CD18 (Tuesday) I was still getting EWCM. Took an OPK in the morning and the test didn't work correctly. It streaked and didn't even really show either a control line or a second line. Took one again in the afternoon and the second line came up much darker than the control.

I only ordered one vial this cycle, so my plan was to inseminate 12 hours after positive OPK.

I decided to trust the 2PM definite positive on CD18 and decided to do a 2AM insem on Wednesday (CD 19).

By the time I got everything ready to go, it actually ended up being a 3AM insem. First, the vial would not defrost. The instructions said it takes about 3-5 minutes for the initial frost to melt off. Ten minutes later, it was still not gone. I ended up brushing some of it away, and breathing hot air on it, hoping it would melt. Then I held the vial in my hand for about 15 minutes to bring it up to body temperature. When that was done, the contents seemed liquidy enough to put in the syringe, but it was hard to tell with the label around the vial.
When I went to open the syringe package, I accidentally knocked the open vial over, though I don't think any spilled out. Then there was too much in the vial for the 1ml syringe, so I sucked up as much as possible in the first go.

- Warning TMI ahead -

When I put the syringe in the first time, as soon as I pressed the plunger something immediately leaked. I'm not sure if it was the swimmers or the Pre.Seed I had put in previously. I then used the syringe to get the rest of the liquid remaining in the vial and nothing leaked when I put that last bit in.

I tried to lay with my hips propped up on two pillows, but I never felt like they were fully supported and it seemed like I kept slipping down. (How was that supposed to be hard? I thought propping myself up would be the easy part.)
Anyway, I stayed propped up as best I could and listened to music for about 20 minutes before trying to get some sleep. It was nearing 4AM by this time and I was exhausted.

Based on my BBT chart, it seems I ovulated sometime on Wednesday (CD19). So, I'm not sure if I was too late in the insem or right on target. I did have what felt like ovulation pains around 1PM on CD18, though I feel similar sensations in that same area as I type this.

Right now I'm glad it is too early to feel any symptoms. And even though it has been on my mind, I've been pretty chill about it. It probably helps that I've had other things to occupy my mind, especially the emotions related to asking my crush out.

Side A

- If you're more interested in the insem, feel free to skip to Side B -

Some Other Girl's Boyfriend

(as many times as this has happened to me, this should seriously be the title for my memoir or autobiography)

I was granted the perfect opportunity to ask my crush out on Tuesday, and I took advantage of it. I anticipated him saying no. I didn't entirely anticipate why. He never really seemed to flirt much with me and I never caught him checking me out. I wondered if he found me just plain unattractive or maybe he was gay? Nope. Turns out he's just a good, loyal guy.

When I asked him out, he immediately responded with "I'd like to, but I have a girlfriend".

I was a little surprised, as he had never mentioned a girlfriend in the roughly six months we had been interacting, but based on what he said and how he acted, I don't believe he was lying about the girlfriend as an excuse to reject me in a nice way. I truly believe he has one. (Granted, he could still find me unattractive and not want to date me, even if he was single) *

I don't know when he and his girlfriend started dating but he proceeded to tell me he'd been single for about three years (I assume immediately prior to getting together with her). Then he said he was flattered that I asked.

He isn't perfect, but he has so many qualities that I look for in a man. I've never found anyone else who even comes close. And I can't imagine I'll ever find anyone like him again. I stupidly allowed myself to hope that he was the 11th-hour answer to my prayers. A reward, so to speak, for dealing with nearly 20 years of constant dating failure and heartbreak, the reason it never worked out with anyone else, the one I'd been waiting my whole life for.........

In other words, I let my wildly romantic (some might say immature) heart hijack my logical, cautious, pessimistic brain and take it deep into fantasyland.

I thought getting rejected by him would help solidify my feelings about pursuing Path B. Now, my feelings are all a-jumble. I went for about two years without having a crush on any guy. I thought this meant I had set aside the Path A dream. But I guess I was lying to myself. Apparently it was always in the back of my mind as something that might still happen. Now, having it fully reawakened, only to have it snatched away again at the last minute, has opened up all the emotions and dreams that I thought I'd carefully packed away.

I knew giving up "the dream" would be hard. I did not expect it to be this hard. I'm not sure if that's because of my age now and how keenly I can feel any chance for Path A slipping away like the last sliver of sunset (therefore, I want to hold as tightly to it as I can). Or perhaps it's because I just don't think I have the strength to try again. Besides, if guys don't really see me or notice me now, I'm sure it's not going to get better with age. Therefore, I really have no hope for dating in the future.

Now, I find myself staring at an entire lifetime of loneliness stretched out before me. How can it be different? How can it ever change?

In any case, I still have feelings for him. He kind of feels like my last crush ever, and boy did I save the best for last.**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* I hate that I even have to contemplate that he could have been lying about having a gf in order to let me down in a nice way, but that's the low level my self-esteem is at. Also, I've always thought if I wanted to reject a guy in a nice way, my canned answer would be "I'm sorry, but I have a boyfriend". 

But why add the part about having been single three years? Why say "I'd like to, but...". He didn't seem like he was nervously rambling. He also seemed a little happy, like he was genuinely flattered. I'm really trying to think the best of him and not overanalyze (Ha!). But as I said, this is where my self-esteem is at.

** I will not act on my feelings, as I respect that he has a girlfriend and is off limits. However, I will be cordial as we still have to see each other, thanks to our jobs.

A Drive-by Update

Swimmers are expected to arrive on Monday (quite possibly delivered by my super hot delivery guy).

I did not end up trying in August because I still had not decided on a donor in time.

I am going to go nuclear and attempt to ask my crush out on Tuesday. I’m not asking because I hope he’ll say yes, I actually expect he’ll say no. I’m only asking so I can move forward onto Path B with no “what if?” questions.

I’ve been getting fertile CM for a few days now but no EWCM. So far this cycle, the OPKs have only given me a faint second line, nothing even close to positive. My temps have stayed fairly low, except one where I ended up temping about an hour later than normal.

Usually I ovulate between CD18 and CD23. Tuesday is CD18, so I plan to continue the OPKs and temping, as well as pay attention to the CM and see what happens. At my August cycle I didn’t ovulate until CD25 and I hope it will not be that late this time.

I am equal parts excited, extremely nervous, and a little numb (or in shock) that I’m finally at this point.

A Flip of the Coin

About a week after my last post, I went through all my potential donors and finally narrowed it down to one. Once that happened, I got all excited and immediately ordered both the long profile and the baby pictures. I hoped these would help solidify my choice, but after ordering them, reading through the profile, and looking at the pictures, I couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed.

The long profile wasn't terrible, there were no scary things lurking in there (except maybe the celebrity they compared his looks to). So I'm not quite sure what's wrong, but he just doesn't feel right anymore.

Not that it matters, anyway, as this donor was supposed to have vials available in late June. However, I last checked about a week ago and he still did not have vials available.

I went back to my list, even widening my search to donors who have chosen to be anonymous/no contact, and I haven't found another one yet.

I have a few weeks before it will be go-time for the August cycle. Hopefully I can find somebody new by then.

In Search of a Few Good Men, Part 3

Time to narrow down the donors because I need to purchase really soon.

This is mostly just for fun, though any help you could provide would be greatly appreciated.

If you're willing to participate, here's what I want you to do - tell me the three that you like the best. If you want to include why you'd choose them, that'd be great (but not required).*

Also, two things I really want to know from those who have gone before me are - did you feel a "connection" with your donor? And did you ever want to know things you'll probably never know about the donor? (Like, does he share your hatred of cantaloupe or something like that?)

Because, honestly, none of these donors give me that special "he's the one" feeling. There was one donor I was leaning toward who no longer has vials available and does not appear to be donating anymore. Otherwise, I don't know if I feel a disconnect because I can't see how these guys look and act in person, if I'm just not feeling it because none of them are, in fact, the "right" donor, or because I'm still a little hung-up on my crush.**

Having got that off my chest, let's proceed. I tried to distill the descriptions down to the most noteworthy aspects so as not to make what will be a long post even longer. Mostly they deal with looks, interests, and health history.

(Truth time – some of my likes/dislikes about these donors feel superficial. Some of it I would definitely forgive/forget if the guy were my husband. Then again, I'd know so much more about the guy if he were my husband, so I guess it's a trade-off. Also, since I’m allowed to have a choice, and since I’m paying a pretty penny for the opportunity to choose, I feel a little superficiality may be allowable.)

Starting with the donors that are currently available, in no particular order:

• Donor 1 - The Lookalike
•  This donor has thick, straight strawberry blond hair and beautiful green eyes (according to staff). His interests include running, football, and the outdoors.
•  There is a history of lifestyle-related cancer and diabetes in his family and he’s had no reported pregnancies.

• Donor 2 - The Leftie
• With green eyes and straight, thick brown hair, this left-handed environmental engineering undergrad has many interests in common with me including pets, the outdoors, dancing, music, and tabletop gaming. He is also one of the few donors to have reported pregnancies.
• However, his vision is poor, he required orthodontia growing up, he tested as a carrier for four recessive genetic conditions – most worrisome being deafness as there is a family history of it on my side. There has also been early death and early strokes in his family.

• Donor 3 - Mr. Kittycat
• I’m a sucker for a guy who likes cats, and this brown-eyed, brown-haired donor has one!  He also enjoys quiet things as well as music and football. Currently pursuing a degree in Accounting/Finance.
• The most worrisome thing in his family health history is his mother’s uterine cancer in her 30’s. Otherwise he has poor vision and required orthodontia. Also, he’s had no reported pregnancies.
  
  
• Donor 4 - Mr. Military
• Sporting wavy dark brown hair and green eyes, this donor is outgoing and loves adventure and physical fitness. He didn’t require orthodontia growing up and currently needs no vision correction.
• However, some of his other interests lead me to believe he wouldn’t be dating material if we met in person. He’s had no reported pregnancies, though his essay says he enjoys raising his own kids. There is a family history of cancer and diabetes and he has limited vials available (though he’s still donating to the program).
  
  
• Donor 5 - The Singer
• According to staff this donor has a great singing voice. He also plays different instruments, likes radio, and his favorite sport is football. He currently has an Associates in Music. He enjoys puzzle games and reading. His essay makes him seem like someone I’d date. He also has wavy blond hair and blue eyes, required no orthodontia and needs no lenses to correct his vision.
• Family health history shows instances of colon cancer on both sides, as well as Alzheimer’s, stroke, and Crohn’s disease. There are no reported pregnancies.
  
  
• Donor 6 - The Rock Climber
• Thick wavy dark blond hair and blue eyes complement this tall, thin rock climber. His vision requires no corrective lenses. He’s into athletics and holds an Associates degree. According to his essay, he is outgoing and seems like someone I could maybe date.
• He required orthodontia growing up and his family health history includes heart disease, skin cancer on both sides of the family due to sun exposure, osteoarthritis, heart arrhythmia, and lifestyle-related Type II diabetes.
  
  
• Donor 7 - The Artist (not formerly known as Prince)
• Interests line up with some of my own including drawing, reading, painting, and art. Staff impressions say this blond-haired, blue-eyed donor is smiley and good looking. He has no lenses for corrective vision and is ambidextrous. His essay seems like someone I’d date and he’s had reported pregnancies.
• So far, he only has a high school education and he required orthodontia. Family member health history shows lung cancer (from smoking), heart attack, eczema, and osteoarthritis. He’s extremely limited in available vials and is not currently donating.
  

• Donor 8 - The Dancer
•  This nursing student has thick curly brown hair and blue eyes. He tested negative for all recessive genetic disorders and wears no corrective lenses. He loves to dance, likes sports, and is learning to play the piano.
• However, he did required orthodontia, has no reported pregnancies, and family health history includes heart problems, liver disease, and glaucoma.
  
  

• Donor 9 - The Swimmer
• Sporting thick, wavy dark brown hair and brown eyes this donor has no corrective lenses for vision and tested negative for recessive genetic disorders. He loves playing with his dog, swimming, cooking, and computer programming.
• His family has a history of dementia, he required orthodontia, and so far has no reported pregnancies.
  
  

* I know you can't choose for me, and I reserve the right to choose whoever I feel is best. I just thought this might be a fun way to get other points of view on these donors. So, feel free to choose by whatever criteria floats your boat.

**A quick note on my crush – the status quo has not changed.