Side B

- If you're wondering what happened with my crush, head to Side A - 

It was not the hot delivery guy who brought the swimmers on Monday. It was just a random delivery person. :-(


A Comedy of Errors

For what it's worth, I did inseminate this week.

I started getting EWCM on Monday (CD17). I tested with an OPK in the afternoon and it was negative. Tested again around 7PM and both lines seemed to be the same color. According to the instructions, that is positive. But I knew from previous trials with these OPKs, that the line has popped up darker than the control about 24 hours prior to ovulation.

On CD18 (Tuesday) I was still getting EWCM. Took an OPK in the morning and the test didn't work correctly. It streaked and didn't even really show either a control line or a second line. Took one again in the afternoon and the second line came up much darker than the control.

I only ordered one vial this cycle, so my plan was to inseminate 12 hours after positive OPK.

I decided to trust the 2PM definite positive on CD18 and decided to do a 2AM insem on Wednesday (CD 19).

By the time I got everything ready to go, it actually ended up being a 3AM insem. First, the vial would not defrost. The instructions said it takes about 3-5 minutes for the initial frost to melt off. Ten minutes later, it was still not gone. I ended up brushing some of it away, and breathing hot air on it, hoping it would melt. Then I held the vial in my hand for about 15 minutes to bring it up to body temperature. When that was done, the contents seemed liquidy enough to put in the syringe, but it was hard to tell with the label around the vial.
When I went to open the syringe package, I accidentally knocked the open vial over, though I don't think any spilled out. Then there was too much in the vial for the 1ml syringe, so I sucked up as much as possible in the first go.

- Warning TMI ahead -

When I put the syringe in the first time, as soon as I pressed the plunger something immediately leaked. I'm not sure if it was the swimmers or the Pre.Seed I had put in previously. I then used the syringe to get the rest of the liquid remaining in the vial and nothing leaked when I put that last bit in.

I tried to lay with my hips propped up on two pillows, but I never felt like they were fully supported and it seemed like I kept slipping down. (How was that supposed to be hard? I thought propping myself up would be the easy part.)
Anyway, I stayed propped up as best I could and listened to music for about 20 minutes before trying to get some sleep. It was nearing 4AM by this time and I was exhausted.

Based on my BBT chart, it seems I ovulated sometime on Wednesday (CD19). So, I'm not sure if I was too late in the insem or right on target. I did have what felt like ovulation pains around 1PM on CD18, though I feel similar sensations in that same area as I type this.

Right now I'm glad it is too early to feel any symptoms. And even though it has been on my mind, I've been pretty chill about it. It probably helps that I've had other things to occupy my mind, especially the emotions related to asking my crush out.

Side A

- If you're more interested in the insem, feel free to skip to Side B -

Some Other Girl's Boyfriend

(as many times as this has happened to me, this should seriously be the title for my memoir or autobiography)

I was granted the perfect opportunity to ask my crush out on Tuesday, and I took advantage of it. I anticipated him saying no. I didn't entirely anticipate why. He never really seemed to flirt much with me and I never caught him checking me out. I wondered if he found me just plain unattractive or maybe he was gay? Nope. Turns out he's just a good, loyal guy.

When I asked him out, he immediately responded with "I'd like to, but I have a girlfriend".

I was a little surprised, as he had never mentioned a girlfriend in the roughly six months we had been interacting, but based on what he said and how he acted, I don't believe he was lying about the girlfriend as an excuse to reject me in a nice way. I truly believe he has one. (Granted, he could still find me unattractive and not want to date me, even if he was single) *

I don't know when he and his girlfriend started dating but he proceeded to tell me he'd been single for about three years (I assume immediately prior to getting together with her). Then he said he was flattered that I asked.

He isn't perfect, but he has so many qualities that I look for in a man. I've never found anyone else who even comes close. And I can't imagine I'll ever find anyone like him again. I stupidly allowed myself to hope that he was the 11th-hour answer to my prayers. A reward, so to speak, for dealing with nearly 20 years of constant dating failure and heartbreak, the reason it never worked out with anyone else, the one I'd been waiting my whole life for.........

In other words, I let my wildly romantic (some might say immature) heart hijack my logical, cautious, pessimistic brain and take it deep into fantasyland.

I thought getting rejected by him would help solidify my feelings about pursuing Path B. Now, my feelings are all a-jumble. I went for about two years without having a crush on any guy. I thought this meant I had set aside the Path A dream. But I guess I was lying to myself. Apparently it was always in the back of my mind as something that might still happen. Now, having it fully reawakened, only to have it snatched away again at the last minute, has opened up all the emotions and dreams that I thought I'd carefully packed away.

I knew giving up "the dream" would be hard. I did not expect it to be this hard. I'm not sure if that's because of my age now and how keenly I can feel any chance for Path A slipping away like the last sliver of sunset (therefore, I want to hold as tightly to it as I can). Or perhaps it's because I just don't think I have the strength to try again. Besides, if guys don't really see me or notice me now, I'm sure it's not going to get better with age. Therefore, I really have no hope for dating in the future.

Now, I find myself staring at an entire lifetime of loneliness stretched out before me. How can it be different? How can it ever change?

In any case, I still have feelings for him. He kind of feels like my last crush ever, and boy did I save the best for last.**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* I hate that I even have to contemplate that he could have been lying about having a gf in order to let me down in a nice way, but that's the low level my self-esteem is at. Also, I've always thought if I wanted to reject a guy in a nice way, my canned answer would be "I'm sorry, but I have a boyfriend". 

But why add the part about having been single three years? Why say "I'd like to, but...". He didn't seem like he was nervously rambling. He also seemed a little happy, like he was genuinely flattered. I'm really trying to think the best of him and not overanalyze (Ha!). But as I said, this is where my self-esteem is at.

** I will not act on my feelings, as I respect that he has a girlfriend and is off limits. However, I will be cordial as we still have to see each other, thanks to our jobs.

A Drive-by Update

Swimmers are expected to arrive on Monday (quite possibly delivered by my super hot delivery guy).

I did not end up trying in August because I still had not decided on a donor in time.

I am going to go nuclear and attempt to ask my crush out on Tuesday. I’m not asking because I hope he’ll say yes, I actually expect he’ll say no. I’m only asking so I can move forward onto Path B with no “what if?” questions.

I’ve been getting fertile CM for a few days now but no EWCM. So far this cycle, the OPKs have only given me a faint second line, nothing even close to positive. My temps have stayed fairly low, except one where I ended up temping about an hour later than normal.

Usually I ovulate between CD18 and CD23. Tuesday is CD18, so I plan to continue the OPKs and temping, as well as pay attention to the CM and see what happens. At my August cycle I didn’t ovulate until CD25 and I hope it will not be that late this time.

I am equal parts excited, extremely nervous, and a little numb (or in shock) that I’m finally at this point.