What If?

I have a lot of issues to resolve (which I hope blogging will help with) before I can begin to introduce my eggs to some suitors, so I'll probably be taking the next few years posts to fret and worry and work through these issues because I want to be sure, absolutely sure, that I will be able to deal with the challenges of single motherhood, I owe it to my future children at the very least.

That being said....I am about 90% sure that if I am single at 30 then I will choose the choice mom path. I just can't imagine not pursuing something I've dreamed about for so long. But this leaves all my fears and doubts crammed into the 10% of uncertainty I still have. And these fears keep whirling through my head, popping up unexpected and unwanted but still there, waiting to be dealt with. So I am going to attempt to list most of the worries I have - many of which are similar to this list from a fellow blogger.

(Note: This and certain furture posts will probably be boring to anyone but me so feel free to skip, but if you had/have a similar situation or thought then feel free to share it.)

Worries:

• What if I lose my family over this? What if I lose my friends?
• What if I'm the only one who is happy about my pregnancy/baby/children?
• What if I have multiples?
• What if my child resents not having a father?
• What if my child tells me "I hate you"?
• What will I do if I get overwhelmed?
• Will I really be able to afford single parenthood?
• What if I'm 30 and I'm still not in a home of my own?
• What if I deplete my savings on fertility treatments?
• What if I become resentful/envious because I missed out on Plan A?
• What if I never get to graduate school?
• What if I miss out on this dream too?
• What if I'm really bad at being a mother? What if I'm a boring and uncreative parent?
• What if I get really sick or die?
• What if my child has a major illness or dies?
• What if my child has special needs?
• What if someone hurts my child?
• What if my child hurts themselves?
• How will I handle sleep deprivation?
• What if I don't get much time for myself?
• What if I can't keep up with cooking and cleaning and chores?
• What if my child is bullied? What if my child is the bully?
• What if I'm too lenient in my discipline? What if I'm too harsh?
• What if I have kids who don't like each other?
• What if I don't like my kid's friends?
• What if I don't have much patience?
• What if I'm jealous of my child?
• What if I'm disappointed in my child?
• What if I'm not cut out to raise boys?
• What if I'm not cut out to raise girls?
• What if I'm spending too much time worrying and things will work out for the best?

With all these issues needing answers and solutions and contingency plans you can probably see why I've started blogging about three years ahead of actually trying. Although sometimes I think I'd like to start sooner than thirty, but that's a whole other post.