Out of the Frying Pan.....

I did not get the chance to take up meditation over the pre-holiday rush, unless you count the times I was so exhausted from work I just sat in the recliner staring at nothing and trying to get my fried brain jumpstarted again.
You would think I would have attempted some form of relaxation on my one day off per week. No dice. Because clearly what this girl needs is one more form of stress in her life. No, instead I applied to go back to school. No, not the graduate school that I spoke of earlier. This is the local technical college (or vo-tech or whatever they call them these days).
In my defense it is something that has been in the back of my mind for a long time. And I have some good reasons for doing it, such as giving me an edge in my job hunt.......okay, now that I think about it that may be the only reason I am doing it.
As for deciding to apply for spring semester, well it wouldn't be my blog without a list, right?

• The course (in bookkeeping) is only two semesters. If I start in the spring then I will graduate before I turn 30
• Work is much more relaxed in the spring and therefore easier to balance with classes
•  If I start sooner I'll be done sooner and can then find a job sooner

So, with those reasons in mind and only two days to get everything done before the cut-off date for transfer students (prior to this I thought I had until January 4th to get it all in) I quickly threw together my application and turned it into the school. Then raced home to order my college transcript before they shut down for winter break and the next day I got up early and went to my old high school to request that my high school transcript be sent. Phew, I thought all was taken care of.

The next week I received my acceptance letter. Only it stated I couldn't register for classes until they received my high school transcript and proof of vaccination (which should be on the HS transcript). So I waited a few days thinking the high school had taken some days to process it and it would arrive at the college soon. I then called the college on the 21st - couldn't get anyone so I left a message and figured my ability to register would change after the holiday.

And dutifully I placed some calls again on the day after Christmas to make sure the transcript had arrived. Only the college has not received it yet. Fully two weeks after I requested that the high school send it. The high school is still on break and the office is closed until January 2nd. If by some chance I could get my hands on another transcript on the 2nd and take it over to the college myself I would only have until January 4th to set up an advising appointment and register for classes before being charged a late registration fee. If the classes I need aren't already full. And of course the 2nd and 3rd are inventory days at work which mean I have to be there earlier than usual leaving me less time to run around town dealing with this.

There is more frustration to this tale that actually begins before I turned in my application but in the interest of not making this a novel-length rant I will just sum up to say that I am about ready to throw in the towel and go back to my original plan of searching once again for a new job come the new year. But what if I don't find one?
If you are still reading what would you do?

Christmas Can't Come Soon Enough

Probably one of the ones nesting in the attic at work

Never was a time more ripe for maximizing relaxation and getting more sleep. I just got my work schedule for December. December happens to be our busiest month and is always the most stressful for me. And my boss has decided this year she's not going to hire seasonal help or make use of our part-time employees. Instead she has scheduled us all to work six days a week from now through December 24th. It was also casually suggested by my boss that I could come in for three hours on what will be my only day off (Wednesday) to cover an employee who has a prior commitment that day. Oh joy.

Why, oh why, did I think I could do one more Christmas season?? I always manage to squeak by on adrenaline only for it to crash when the season is over leading to an illness of one form or another. I've had a cold, hives, shingles (yes, at the ripe old age of 23), and one particularly special Christmas Day where I got my period and the flu. Oh and one year I had what I now know was a burst cyst (though the timing on that was probably a coincidence).

And to make matters worse one of my coworkers, and on-again/off-again best friend (it's complicated), is stressing himself out working two jobs (he really is a workaholic) and he's taking his stress out on me. Picking fights, yelling at me, finding something wrong with everything I do. It's really more stress that I just don't need right now.

 All of this on top of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Perhaps it's time I take up meditation.

Frozen downspout at work

Ice formation in squirrel tree

What you lookin' at?

One Done!

•  Pay off student loan

 I am officially DEBT FREE!!!

Over the past couple years I made occasional large payments towards my student loan debt to get it to a point where I felt comfortable paying the rest off as one big chunk. And at the beginning of November I finally made it to that point. And just yesterday I received confirmation that my loan is considered to be "paid in full".
It still took a large bite out of my already small savings but I don't want to think of that for now. Right now I just want to celebrate being debt free!!

Oh, and I came up with another thing to add to the list:

• Update vaccinations

Alone

 (Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I know many of you understand how hard it is to lose a pet and your comments were very much appreciated.)


I miss my little princess so much. She really was the sweetest cat in the world. Never once did she bite, scratch, or hiss at me (or anyone). I don't think there will ever be another cat like her.

Last Thursday and Friday were really hard at work. I just wanted to tell everyone to shove it and then go curl up in a ball and cry. I was weepy all day at work, trying really hard not to cry in front of everyone, but my brain would just go there and I couldn't help it.

Home feels very lonely without my sweetheart, despite my parents living here. It's just not the same without her. I keep thinking I hear her meowing outside my bedroom door and I start to get up to let her in when I realize she's not there. I catch glimpses of black out of the corner of my eye and expect it to be her but it's not. I find myself wondering if she'll be in my room wanting her usual rubs when I come home from work, only to remember that she won't be.

I knew one day she would pass on. Her age was getting to her more and more since July and I thought I was prepared for this eventuality but you know, I never actually thought it would happen.

Requiescat In Pace

A few simple sentences do not do justice to the eighteen wonderful years we spent together.

I don't think I can ever fully describe the absolute joy of having you in my life, nor how much I am missing you now. You were my confidant, my snuggle buddy, my everything. Thank you for reading with me and helping me do projects. Thank you for all the kisses. Your purr brightened my world and you always knew exactly how to make me feel better. You and I were meant to be. I love you forever and always. Rest in peace my best, most cherished friend.

Gypsy

5/1/1994 - 10/17/2012

I will miss you with all my heart, until we meet again.

A Slight Detour to Fantasyland, Followed by Cold Hard Reality

When I made my List I thought about adding Dating to it. I thought maybe I should give it another go, fire up the old dating site profile and get back in the game, you know, just to be sure.

But yesterday I got a reminder of why it didn't quite make the list.

You see, yesterday I met "Thor". If you are like me and have ever had Viking fantasies (hello Chris Hemsworth and Eric from True Blood) I am sure you would share my lust for this guy. He was a Viking made real, all taut muscle and blonde hair. He even had facial hair which just completed the rugged Viking picture for me. Drool.

I am sure you all know what they say about first impressions being the most lasting?? Right, well, you could win money by betting on me to make a bad first impression with a cute guy. It just comes naturally to me.

Before we get to the bad first impression let me give you a little background. I've known of the existence of Thor for a few weeks now. He works part-time at a brewhouse just across the street from where I work and I had seen him from afar when I was in there. My coworker J knows him because he frequents the brewhouse. My coworker K apparently went to high school with him. Since learning of Thor's existence I have been told by J that he has also appeared in a local movie. So it's not like he was entirely unknown to me, though I had never officially met him or seen him up close.

So, back to yesterday. My distance vision has been getting really bad lately so when he first walked into my work I didn't realize it was him. I thought (because he was carrying a piece of paper) that he was yet another solicitor or ad rep. I didn't notice who he was until he came up closer, but by then it was too late. I had already adopted my "no, the boss is not in today, please come back tomorrow" attitude. This includes having arms crossed and a serious businesswoman look on my face. And it's not like I could suddenly drop the pretense and slap on a flirty smile. That would have been a little too obvious, plus I am so not good at flirting.

Added to the crossed arms and near-glare on my face was a giant red zit, conveniently located on the fat roll that becomes a double chin when I put my head down, as I was doing at the time. Why, oh why, didn't I put make-up on that zit?!

Added to this mess was my frizzy, unruly, barely-combed hair making every attempt to escape from my ponytail so I was kind of rockin' the Albert Einstein look. I had on minimal make-up because I had rushed out the door that morning and I was wearing my frumpy, cable-knit, oatmeal, blends-into-my-skin-tone sweater. So. Not. Hot.
The only thing I had going for me were my sexy jeans. Not that they counted for much.

Anyway, turns out he just needed our boss to sign a Name Use agreement in case the business ended up in the background of the new movie he and his friends were filming.
I told Thor, while stumbling over my words and trying in vain to quell the blush creeping up my cheeks, that he would have to come back the next day when our boss would be in. He addressed the piece of paper to my boss, left it with me, and was off like a prom dress, moving so quickly he might have been the real Thor. So much for sticking around so I could admire his hotness a little more.

Still, he did come back today. And today I made an effort to look somewhat cute. Too bad he came in at the end of the day when my hair had returned to it's naturally frizzy state and my make-up had all but worn off. He stopped for a bit where I was, awkwardly looking at everywhere but me while I attempted to arrange my face into a cute smile (not the easiest expression when my cheeks are frozen by nerves). But then he moved on to follow my coworker to my boss's office. When they were done conversing he walked out just as quickly as the day before.

Sigh. He's way out of my league anyway. Guess I'll have to settle for admiring him from afar.

EDIT: I wrote this on 10/11/12 but didn't get finished until after midnight, so these events took place on Wednesday 10/10 and Thursday 10/11.

The List

• Massage                                                         
• Acupuncture                                                                
• Meditation
• Yoga
• Balanced diet
• Exercise
• Lose some weight
• Get new job
• Home of my own
• Organics
• Scrapbooks
• Supplements
• Detox?
• Research daycare
• Save money
• Travel?
• Get new camera
• Get a video camera?
• Get more sleep
• Declutter
• Become faster at cooking/baking
• OPKs
• Read in depth on fertility
• Less tv
• More sunshine
• Spa day
• Take more Baths
• Start gardening
• Swimming
• Pay off student loan
• Research REs
• Research Doulas
• Research Sperm banks
• Finish craft projects
• Zombie 5K?
• Join the SMC group
• Go to a national meet?

 This is my list of things to do or begin before starting TTC. Some of it is prepping body and mind and some of it is just for fun. In an ideal world all of it would get done but that's not likely to happen so I'll concentrate on the most important.
Is there anything I should add to my list?

A Possible Explanation

I ended up consulting Google and I think that I might have burst a cyst. No one has ever looked at my insides to confirm or deny the presence of cysts, burst or otherwise, so I can't be sure. But I couldn't believe how closely my symptoms matched to what I found.

If I had realized this last Sunday then I probably would have gone to the ER or something (Google makes it sound very scary). But since I'm still alive and not in pain I am thinking things are okay now and if I went to the doctor now they probably couldn't tell if I had burst one or not. I will mention it the next time I have an appointment though (or go to the hospital if it happens again just to be safe).

So now I have possible cysts and slightly elevated testosterone along with wacky cycles. Oh joy.

In other cycle news I'm ashamed to admit I didn't follow up with my doctor from my April appointment over her offer to refer me to an endocrinologist. I told her I would think about it and then preparation for my vacation, as well as the vacation itself, happened. That, plus needing at least half (if not a full) day off work to travel to an out-of-town appointment and trying to plan a time when my boss isn't on vacation (she's been gone at least one week per month this entire year) is proving to be difficult. I may just put off getting the referral until my next appointment which should be April/May of next year.

What's Up With AF??

Sorry if TMI. The saga of abnormal AF continues.

July:  Dear AF,
 Thank you for not showing up during my vacation. Thank you for waiting three days after I got home to arrive. But really, did you miss me so much that you had to stay twelve days when you did come?!

August: Other than one sharp severe pain that only lasted a few seconds it was normal.

September:
 Every once in a while it happens, the No Good Naughty Bad Period (I can jokingly call it that now while the pain isn't fresh).

I've had four of them that I can remember and this most recent one is one of them.

Normally when AF shows up I will have cramps the first day. They come and they go and they are generally controlled just fine with two Ibuprofin.

This time AF showed up with a vengeance. Sunday morning, when I got ready for the day, she arrived. While reading the Sunday paper I started feeling cramps. Okay, no biggie, I thought. I'll just pop a couple Ibuprofin and be on my way - so I did.

After about 20 minutes my cramps had not abated. And rather than the usual off and on pattern it felt more like one big, squeezing, unending cramp. Nothing extremely painful, just constant. So I went about finishing breakfast, starting laundry and making cookies. It was right as the cookie dough needed freezing that the pain got a little more intense and I needed to sit and rest.

I put the dough in the freezer, left the mess in the kitchen and sat in my desk chair with a pillow on the desk to rest and shut my eyes for an hour hoping it wouldn't get worse. After that time the pain had lessened enough to put another load of laundry in and clean up my mess in the kitchen.

It was right when I finished washing the dishes that I started getting the prickly heat and I knew it was not going to be good. I rushed to the only room in the house where I could be assured privacy (the bathroom) and I sat in there attempting to cool down, wishing I could put a cool washcloth on my face or back, but despite being surrounded by washcloths and easy access to cool water I was in too much pain to get up. From being overheated I went to being too cold. Then I longed for my fleece blanket. But most of all I longed to lay down, even right there on the floor. But I just couldn't make myself move.

So back and forth I went from being too hot to being too cold. And while I was too cold I started to get the shakes. You know the kind you get right before you throw up (maybe that only happens to me), but I did not get sick. However, I started to get dizzy and feel faint, all while sitting down.

By this time my legs were getting numb from sitting (on the toilet) for over an hour. I finally decided with the dizziness that it was critical I lay down so I got up, washed my hands, saw my abnormally pale self in the mirror (my face is usually reddish even when I'm not blushing) and made my way to my room.
I took two more Ibuprofin hoping against hope they would work and laid down on my bed.

Two hours later I woke up no longer too hot or too cold and only a little crampy. I felt weak and a little nauseous (probably from lack of food) but otherwise it seemed like the Ibuprofin had kicked in this time.
On Monday (CD2) there was a little residual pain that was constant and not like cramps but otherwise things were just like normal AF (for me). And it has been like normal AF ever since.

Does anyone know why this would happen? I get a period like this only once every couple of years so I've never mentioned it to my doctor though I'm wondering if I should. I've also not consulted Dr. Google as I don't really know what to look for. But since it is fresh in my mind I thought I would at least record it so I can maybe ask my doctor at my next visit.

The Right Direction

I want to say thank you to everyone who commented recently on my posts about graduate school. Your comments were thought-provoking and much appreciated. Thank you for understanding what a big decision this is.

Jenny brought up an interesting point - that of future regrets. The short story is I already have them. I regret not going straight from undergrad to graduate school. I could have been about two years post PhD by now. Hindsight is 20/20. But I can't regret that too hard as I didn't even know what I wanted to focus on in graduate school until about three years after getting my Bachelors. Plus I needed the break. I regret that my "short" break turned into six years however.

Applications for graduate school are due sometime in April so I figure I have until March 1st to officially decide but after thinking about it and analyzing it to death I believe I have made a decision. One that I'm pretty happy about.

So, Shannon asked what does my heart of hearts tell me? It tells me no, don't go to graduate school right now. Working toward motherhood is what feels right to me. So very right. And in coming to that conclusion I feel a great need to kindle the fires of TTC. It's all I can do to remind myself that I still need a new job and a place of my own first. And there are still a few things I want to do prior to making the leap.

But is this the end for the dream of graduate school? Not hardly. I'm just wrapping my mind around a new timeline. Someday I will get there.

Round-Robin

Before I start I guess I should give a little background on the graduate degree that I want - it would be a Masters in Experimental Archaeology - a degree offered by only one school which happens to be in England (though other schools around the world offer some classes that pertain to it).

Ugh. I still can't let the graduate school/no graduate school debate go.

I just want to make a decision one way or another and be happy with it but I have tried what seem like 100 different ways to come up with a solution to this question and not a single one has left me feeling completely satisfied. Every time I think of a reason not to go I come back around to a reason that I should go. Back and forth, round and round until my mind is dizzy from running in circles.

I even tried for an objective opinion with a little device that is much like an electronic magic 8 ball. I asked it "should I go to graduate school?" and while it was coming up with an answer I found myself hoping it would say "no", which it did. Then I felt guilty for hoping it would say no.

Now I've gone back to basics and come up with a good, old-fashioned Pros/Cons list

Pros:

• I'd no longer have to wonder if I'd regret not going
• I could have a career instead of just a job
• I could do something that excites me
• The Master's program is only a year long
• I wouldn't have to take the GRE to get in
• I could get it out of the way before having kids
• I could help bring an ExArch degree program to America
• It's in England
• I might actually feel like a professional and like I've accomplished something

Cons:

• It's a lot of money
• It  pushes TTC farther back than I would like
• It's a lot of money
• Essays, presentations, homework, studying, dissertation, thesis, graduate committee reviews
• Have I mentioned it's a lot of money?
• It's in England
• My kitty is old and not doing well
• Our three store kitties need loving homes and I won't be able to take any of them if I'll be gone for a year
• I am six years post Bachelor's and the knowledge I learned is fading fast
• I would need to find professors who remember me and would be gracious enough to write references for me
• I would have to find a different school to get a PhD
• It is likely I would have to move out of state to get a job
• I might spend all this time and money and still end up in a job that has nothing to do with my degree

Well, the Cons list is longer (even without my repeats about money) but if I decide not to go to graduate school then that begs the question - what kind of job will I do instead??

To Be or Not to Be? - That is The Question*

 I'm such a bundle of emotions, confusion, and contradictions when it comes to the decision of whether or not to get a graduate degree. I don't think I can adequately do justice to years worth of feelings about it in a few posts but I feel the need to talk through some of it anyway.

I was looking through job postings the other day and I found myself trying to figure out what, if anything, sounded like the kind of job I would be excited to do every day. Nothing much stood out and this is why I started thinking again about graduate school.

I have all but given up on the dream of pursuing it for many reasons, but it keeps nagging me. And right now I am in a sort of limbo of not having many responsibilities (like a house or kids) while still having (barely) enough time to get both a Masters and a PhD and (hopefully) a job locked down before my biological clock starts clanging warning bells.

But it is much easier said than done. Especially since getting the Masters degree I want would involve moving out of country and across the ocean to jolly old England.

And is it really what I want anymore? Would it make me happy to go to work everyday? And am I in love with the job, and all it entails, or just the idealized fantasy I have of it? How much of this is fear talking and how much of this is just being realistic?



 *Last week was Shakespeare week in my town and I got to see four different plays, Love's Labour's Lost, Twelfth Night, Othello, and of course, Hamlet.

I Coulda Been Somebody

Ten years ago when I went skipping off to college I knew exactly what my major was going to be - Anthropology with an emphasis in Archaeology. Nothing and no one could sway me from my choice. And throughout the four years I spent getting my degree I sat through most of my classes with rapt fascination, so happy to be studying something that intrigued me, that ignited my inner scientist.

Not every class was perfect nor every teacher enthralling, but I had the overwhelming sense that I was doing right by myself for picking something I liked rather than something "practical".
And when people asked me what I would do after I graduated I would always answer "probably go to graduate school" because when I turned my mind toward the future I had vague visions of planting my flag on uncharted scientific territory. Afterall, wasn't the discipline of Anthropology looking to me and my fellow classmates to carry on the torch? To make discoveries, document evidence, solve old mysteries and pose new questions?

In my fantasy of my future self I was going to scale mountains, trek jungles, brave the desert sands and camp beneath the stars. My family would come to visit me in some far distant land and there I'd be, dressed in khaki, with an Indiana Jones-style fedora perched on my head, trowel in hand. I'd be the cool aunt to my nieces and nephews, regaling them with tales of my adventures, bringing them exotic little trinkets they could take to show-and-tell.

And when digging was over for the season I would return to my job as a professor where I would be firm but fair, and hopefully fun and fascinating. Igniting the passions of a new generation of scientists who would one day carry on the torch.

But the fantasy halted on graduation day and has been slowly and painfully dying ever since.

More on that later though; now I must get some sleep so I can wake up and go to the job that pays the bills.

If Only

Why can't this be real?

(C) Capital Concepts, Inc.

The Only Thing You Have to Fear.....

I promised I would dedicate myself to finding a new job once my vacation was over. I knew when I returned I would have about 2 1/2 months to find one before guilt would officially kick in and I would feel obligated to stay through the busy season.
I am keenly aware that finding a new job is the linchpin needed for my future plans to fall into place.
And now I have 1 month and 25 days left before busy season begins. So what have I done on the job front? Zip, zilch, nil, nada, nothing. In short, I haven't done squat.

Why? Not because of the lack of jobs, or the fact that I am underqualified for most of the ones being advertised. There are solutions for those excuses - I could widen my search, or go back to school to get better qualified.
Not even because I feel as though I am searching for the "perfect" job, one that will allow me the flexibility/environment/salary I will need to actually start on the SMC path, while also being a job I look forward to doing day in and day out.
Not because my interview wardrobe consists of one skirt and one jacket (my current job is fairly casual).
Not even because I can't imagine the logistics of leaving in the middle of work to go to an interview for another job.

No, what's holding me back is Fear and it's evil cousin Lack of Confidence. These, along with my introverted personality, make for a fatal combination that continuously feeds into the above-mentioned excuses until the only thing that happens on the job front is nothing.
And despite wanting a new job so bad it hurts, despite knowing how little time I have left between now and when I turn 30, I just can't seem to get motivated about starting. The Ghost of Job Hunting Past just won't quit haunting me.

Back!

Well, I'm back from my vacation. Have been for just over a week now but for some reason it takes me longer to unpack than it takes me to pack in the first place. That plus jet-lag and going immediately back to work has left me little time to get online and catch up on blogs, though I am slowly getting there.

My vacation was wonderful. I got to explore more fully two countries (Ireland and Scotland) that I only saw briefly the first time I went to Europe. And I got to check off two more states from my goal of seeing all 50.

I find it funny how you miss home so much when you're on vacation but the minute you come back you wish you could be on vacation again. At least it was that way for me this time. Although it could be because I came back to work and landed in the middle of a giant miscommunication that had me feeling like I never left.

On a related note, I noticed on vacation that I could nap without clenching my jaw or needing to wear my mouthguard (though I still wore it at night just to be safe). Upon coming back home and back to work I can't fall asleep for five minutes without waking up with intense jaw pain and related headaches. So that, combined with the fact that I never needed a mouthguard or clenched my teeth before 2007 (a year after I started at this job) leads me to believe it is entirely related to the stress of my job. Of course I had already guessed this, but it was nice to see it confirmed.

As predicted summer is going by way too fast. I won't be able to do the 5K like I wanted to because my boss will be out of town that weekend and so I am sure to be scheduled to work that Saturday. Also, after all the walking (and a little biking) I did on vacation I realized just how out of shape I really am and I don't fancy my chances of getting in shape for a 5K in less than a month. Maybe they'll have it again next year. :-(

Here is the map from my 50 State Project (the states I have been to are highlighted in red)

Slow down summer!

How is it that summer hasn't even officially begun and already I feel as though it is completely planned away? Ditto for the rest of the year actually. With as long as it takes me to do certain projects I have every weekend planned between now and January 1st, perhaps even beyond. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining - I like not being bored - but sometimes I get to a point with some projects (I'm talking to you scrapbooks!!) where I just want them done already.

In other news, I have decided to hold off on doing birth control but I think I will try to get an appointment with the endocrinologist just to see what he/she has to say. Of course, it will only happen if I can find a way to get it to work with my work schedule. And it will have to wait until after my vacation.

Also on the agenda for after my vacation, I am going to buckle down and really concentrate on finding a new job. That will be priority number one.

Priority number two (which should actually begin before priority one) just might be training for a 5K taking place later this summer. It will be a miracle if I get trained in time because I haven't done any actual dedicated exercise since I wrenched my knee attempting some P.90.X over a year ago. Plus, I have horrible memories of running a mile every year in gym class and this will be a mile times three! But this isn't just any ol' 5K, no this one has obstacles.....and zombies. Just what I need to get motivated!

An Answer......sort of

So, after playing phone tag with my doctor for a couple of days I finally got to talk to her about my test results. Turns out I have slightly elevated testosterone (417 on a scale where 65-380 is considered normal). She then started asking me if I have any excess facial hair and whether it was shave-worthy (it's not). My answer seemed to make her reluctant to declare that I have anything other than slightly high testosterone. I really was not expecting to have a mini consultation over the phone (talking on the phone + talking to a doctor = nervousness and anxiety for me) so I don't think I effectively communicated the other symptoms I have that might point to mild PCOS.
However, she did say she was willing to give me a prescription for BCPs (I said I'd think about it - my last cycle was 26 days so it is moving in the right direction). She also offered to refer me to an endocrinologist (the closest is about 70 miles away). Again, I said I'd think about it. I guess I need to look into it more because I don't really see what they could do right now while I'm not TTC other than confirm that I have a higher testosterone level than normal.
As for my CD3 tests, the results are:
FSH = 5.93
LH = 2.54
E2 = 21
All are considered to be within normal range so I am very happy about that. It is one less stress off my mind at the moment.
And my doctor says the rest of my tests (for thyroid, etc) came back alright so that is good. Although I notice some of the test results are listed as high or low, but I'm sure she would have said something if they were worrisome.

Sweet Surprise

I really need to blog more often. I've been meaning to post about this for a while now.

Last fall I posted about Ghost Kitty and how "he" had been coming around my work to be fed. Well, as winter wore on and the weather turned bitter cold my coworker J and I started letting Ghost Kitty come inside to eat hoping that the scaredy cat would get used to us.
Eventually it became a ritual to let Ghosty indoors to be fed, and for playtime, despite the weather slightly warming up. So it wasn't out of the norm for J to let Ghost Kitty in one evening back in March (St. Patrick's Day to be exact). What wasn't normal, he realized the next morning, was that Ghosty had never asked to be let back out.
And that's when we found out for sure that Ghost Kitty was not a "he" as we had assumed because she decided to have a couple kittens in a hidden corner behind our cash register. In retrospect it was not her smartest move as that area is in the center of all the action. But she quickly figured that out and three days later when she felt it was safe she moved the kittens to the basement which has served everyone well.
So for the last six and a half weeks we have watched two kittens grow and play and explore. It warms my heart every time I get to go to the basement and see them.
And even though no one has ever been able to get close enough to Ghosty to pet her, she has let us pet and hold her kittens. Though she keeps a very watchful eye on us.
And now for pictures (I apologize in advance for the mess in this part of the basement, and the carpet leftover from the 1970s)

Around 4 weeks old

About 5 weeks old - up and playing

The little family

Peeking out

Appointment

Note: If I show up twice in your list of followers it is because I had to delete the old email address that this blog began under and transition over to a new email. Which meant recreating my profile and manually adding back all the blogs I was following before the beginning of April. I'm still working the kinks out, along with figuring out this new Blogger setup as well as a new internet navigator.

Well, I was able to go to my appointment on Wednesday. My doctor was concerned about the four periods in the last two months and has ordered some blood tests. I asked her about CD3 tests and she confirmed that the clinic does do them and she ordered them to be done too. So the next time CD3 rolls around I will have all the tests done at once. According the lab request it looks like I will have a Comprehensive Metabolic Panel, DHEA Sulfate, Estradiol, FSH, LH, Testosterone, T4 Free, TSH, and CBC. I think I need to Google a few of these as I don't know what some of them are for, though Dr. K did mention getting my thyroid retested as well as the possibility of PCOS so some of the tests must be for those.
I'm really hoping the next CD3 falls on a week day when I can just walk into the lab during their hours and have this done. Apparently if it falls on a weekend I have to go to the emergency room and tell them I need to have labs done. I'm not too excited by the prospect of going to the emergency room for a non-emergency.
Depending on the test results my doctor mentioned that I may have to go on progesterone for a while or a low-dose BCP for a few months to see if my cycle can get regulated.

In other news it was my birthday yesterday. We had been having unseasonably warm weather at the beginning of the week and I thought this was my chance to finally have an ice cream cake for my birthday. Well, the weather yesterday was very windy with a few flakes of snow and a high of about 49. I had the ice cream cake anyway.

Again

~ Possible TMI ~

I started spotting on the 16th. AF officially showed up again on the 18th - this means the last cycle was 16 days. Four cycles in less than two months. 29 of the last 55 days spent in the company of everyone's favorite auntie (not including the spotting that has heralded her arrival each time). Now I'm starting to worry.

I have my annual appointment with Dr. K (the lady bits doctor) on the 25th. Hopefully AF will have mostly run its course and I will just be spotting by then because I really don't want to cancel the appointment. I need to know what is going on with my body. And I need to ask if the clinic does CD3 testing and whether they might recommend any other tests to figure this out.

One thing, though, that is different about this cycle - I was sick on the 15th with something akin to the flu. Nausea, chills and shaking, then fever, aches in my joints, pain in my head, neck and low back. I was not back to 100% on Monday the 16th but I made it through work. Then the spotting started Monday evening. Could being sick have brought it on? Or was it just weird timing and a coincidence of my now crazy cycles?

BBT & TMI

Maybe I should title this post Should I Be Worried??

I started temping and charting with a BBT a year ago last May and at first it was great. I learned that sometimes I really do ovulate (at least the temps say I do). I also learned that my luteal phase is usually 11 or 12 (though once 14 and once 16) days long which made it a lot easier to predict when AF would come knocking - before temping it was always a guessing game.
Of course my temping isn't perfect, I tend to wake up too late on weekends. And some days I forget entirely, but for the most part it has worked.....at least it did until January of 2012.

My January to February cycle started on Jan. 12th. I didn't get another CD1 until Feb. 25th. That makes for a 44 day cycle. I have kept track of the arrival of AF (though not with charting) since at least 2007 and this makes the third 44 day cycle in that time period. Okay.....
AF showed up again on March 16th which makes for a 20 day cycle. According to my chart I didn't ovulate (not surprising).  Then AF showed up again on April 2nd making this most recent cycle a 17 day one. (With, again, no ovulation).

I'm trying not to read too much into these short cycles. In 2010 I had a similar thing happen. AF came on August 16th, then September 3rd, then September 22nd, then October 13th.
I talked to a couple doctors (a family doctor and my gyno) a few months after the fact and they seemed to think it was caused by stress. (No testing was done.) Also, those cycles were much lighter than normal. (These recent cycles are full-on, minus the cramps I usually get).
Perhaps it is stress this time too. And it's not like my cycles have ever been regular anyway, they just usually don't come this close together.

All that just to ask you ladies this one question - Should I try to have some CD3 testing done? It's too late for this cycle of course, but maybe the next time I have a cycle where CD3 falls on a weekday??
I know Jendo mentioned these tests in a comment on one of my previous posts and I filed them away as something I should do when I turn 30. But perhaps I should do them now to get a lay of the land, so to speak? Or should I just chill and try to destress?

Here is a little more background and probably TMI:
AF usually lasts about 8-9 days. So for my most recent cycle AF started on Friday the 16th, lasted until about Saturday the 24th, I started spotting again on Saturday the 31st, then AF was officially back on Monday the 2nd. That's 14 of the last 22 days and it's not likely to be over until next Monday or Tuesday. Also, I haven't ovulated in four of the last 12 cycles.


To MN if you're reading: I saw that your blog is set to invitation only.....I hope things are going okay in your world. :(

Free To Be Me

I've been thinking a lot about the things I want to do before I have a baby and I have to say the list I've come up with is pretty boring.

Besides traveling and the remote possibility of graduate school the only thing I really want before becoming a parent is a little freedom.

The kind of freedom that comes from living on your own and not with your parents.

 And I'm not talking about throwing wild parties or bringing random men home from bars. Those don't appeal to me at all. No, I am talking about the little things.
Like the freedom to do an exercise DVD in the living room where there is actual room to move without interrupting my parents' tv schedule. Or the freedom to have my bathroom be the one that is NOT right off the dining room. Or the freedom to watch HBO tv shows without worrying about my prudish parents coming into my room at the wrong moment. Or the freedom to visit a sperm bank website or to blog on here without having to make sure they can't see my computer screen.
 I could go on and on with these "little" freedoms (I once made a list of them in my head and when it got over forty I lost count), but perhaps you get the point.

I want the freedom to grow and change, to get to know myself better without feeling the need to censor myself in my own home.
I want some time to truly feel like an adult before trying to raise a kid.

A Compromise

First of all, thank you to those who commented on my last post - you gave me a lot of food for thought.

In fact I'm still mulling over your comments and will probably post more on them in other posts, but for now I think I have come up with a plan. I want to feel truly ready for a baby, but I don't want to wait too long so I have come up with a tentative compromise on when to start.

First I am going to try my hardest to complete the goals I call the Big Three (more on them later). If those are completed by age 30 then I will sit back and assess my emotional readiness. If I feel ready I will go for it. If I don't then I will give myself the time I need to get ready - with the idea that I will start no later than age 33. It's sort of a floating plan I guess, and it could easily change depending on a lot of things but I work best with a goal in mind.

So, the three goals I would like to accomplish by the time I turn 30:

1. Pay off my student loan
2. Get a different job or an extra job
3. Get a place of my own - whether it be a house, condo, or apartment

If these goals were done and a doctor told me "you need to start trying NOW" then I feel I could actually do so. If  a doctor said to me tomorrow "you need to start trying" I would be royally screwed. So I guess it's time to get myself in gear and get these accomplished.

A Question of Age

When the SMC idea began to form in my mind I arbitrarily chose age 33 as my target age to start trying. But after more research, and a heaping quantity of excitement, I convinced myself to move my target age up to 30. Now I'm not so sure. I have a lot left to do between now and then and just a little over two years to do it. So I made some lists of the pros of trying at 30 versus waiting.

The pros of Trying young:

• My eggs will be younger, and may be healthier and more viable
• I will have more time to try
• I should have more energy
• There's a higher chance of being able to have a second child
• My parents will be younger
• My child(ren) will be closer in age to cousins
• My grandparents might still be around

The pros of waiting:

• More time to save money
• More time to carve out my independence as an adult before focusing on someone else
• More time to possibly find Mr. Right
• Friends and family are more likely to be supportive
• More established in a career
• More time for travel

If anyone can think of any other pros for either list please let me know!

Call Me Lazy

And the number ten reason why I'm happy I'm single:

10. Shaving

I don't have to shave nearly as often as I would if I had a boyfriend, especially in the winter when no one sees my legs anyway. It saves me much time and hassle (and shaving cream)!

Of course winter is marching to a close and summer will bring back skirts and capris and the end of my reprieve, but for now I'm enjoying my longer stretches of time off.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Another great advantage to being single:

9. No chance of divorce

Even with the best of outcomes I imagine that shared custody of a child or children would be hard. Birthdays and holidays have to be split. Either with a morning/evening split or a "you get the kids this Christmas, I get them next Christmas" kind of thing. And it seems like some parents try to one-up the other parent in the gift-giving department - almost like a competition to see who can spoil the kids more.
Also, what if your ex decides to get married again and you don't like their new spouse? What if you don't want that person around your children?
And if the divorce isn't amicable then the children are the ones who suffer the most, constantly having their loyalties torn between two people. Hearing one parent bash the other and vice versa. Such a sad situation for all involved.

Crime & Punishment & More

The next reason I'm happy to be single is actually a combination of two reasons that share the same general topic:

8. Fighting
The two parts of this one are arguing over the discipline of a child and actually fighting in front of the children.

Do you prefer time-out? What if he prefers a more extreme punishment like spanking? What if you agree on a punishment only to have him relent before the agreed punishment is over? Maybe you're the one who wants to relent. And while you're too busy arguing over what kind of punishment is best, and how to mete it out, your child is getting mixed messages and/or getting into more trouble.

You know that uncomfortable feeling you get when two people are arguing and you're nearby? Sometimes I've had that same uncomfortable feeling watching couples argue on FB. I don't like to argue or fight and I don't like to be around other people doing it. And I know kids are affected by fighting, especially when it's between the two people they're most familiar with. And even if the fighting is just words and never escalates into yelling, slamming doors, breaking things, or abuse it is still uncomfortable and not something I want to put my kids through.

To Grandmother's House We Go

I have observed the following happen to my married friends and family and I don't envy them fot it:

7. The Holidays
Your grandparents want you to come for Thanksgiving, your in-laws want you to come for Christmas, but wait - your side of the family will all be at your parents' house this year, including your favorite aunt you hardly ever see. Did Uncle Bob forget to mention he'd really like to see you and meet the baby on New Years?? During Christmas the in-laws invited you to come again at Easter but your parents are upset, they didn't get to see you guys for the past two holidays, but your husband's parents live 2,000 miles away and they're upset because they feel like they never get to see you, or their son, or the baby. The holidays, a time of family togetherness, are turning into one gigantic family feud and now all you want to do is stay home...

If I become a SMC then I will have exactly two options for holidays - go to the one person/family that is hosting or stay home. Things are much less chaotic that way.

You Lost Our Life Savings Playing Poker?!?!

I worry about money - who doesn't?? Right now I'm on a monetary diet to help pay more on my student loan. I've had to budget and I've done well sticking to it. This brings me to reason number six why I'm happy I'm single:

6. Finances
 Partners can be a boon to finances, but they can also be a detriment. I have a friend whose husband gambled away the savings account her parents had started for her. I'm so glad I don't have to worry about that. Neither do I have to argue about who pays the bills (I actually like being the one in charge of this). And I don't have to worry about keeping track of someone who is irresponsible with the money we are supposed to share.
And while baby-making might turn out to be expensive (not to mention the expenses of child-rearing) at least it is only my money on the line and I don't have the guilt of feeling like I'm spending too much of "our" money in the pursuit of one goal.

On a different note - Happy Valentine's Day!!

The cookies I made for today, yum yum!

Arrghh, He Left the Toilet Seat Up Again!!

I may not be sharing a bathroom now but that doesn't mean I haven't shared one with a guy (mostly my brother) so this brings me to reason number five why I'm happy I'm single:

5. I get the bathroom all to myself

Not sharing a bathroom is a glorious thing.....
The toilet seat is NEVER left up.
There is no beard hair coating the sink and no towels on the floor.
I don't have to wait while someone else uses the shower and no one is waiting for me to get out.
No one uses up all my soap or shampoo.
No one uses up all the toilet paper and then forgets to put on a new roll.
I have use of the entire countertop plus all the cupboards and drawers for my stuff (how did I get so many toiletries??).
Plus my bathroom decor and color scheme don't have to be manly at all. And I can make it my own little spa and no one will object.

This is why, when I finally get my own place, I would like two full baths so I can continue to have my own retreat and any guests and kids can have theirs.

His Mother Just Called - She Wants to Stay for a Month.....

Another great thing about being single:

4. No In-laws

Not as good a cook as his ex? Well-meaning but condescending advice? Surprise visits? House not pass the white glove test?

These are just a few of the small tiffs and outright battles that occur with a clash of the in-laws and single people like myself can breathe a collective sigh of relief because we don't have to deal with it.

Sure, I've heard good things about some in-laws, but I've heard plenty of bad too and right now it's enough just dealing with my own family, I'm glad I don't have to stress out about impressing somebody else's.

Number Three

Now for reason number three why I'm happy to be single:

3. Baby Names
My list of names has already been squeezed pretty thin. Actually, I've stopped making baby name lists and won't be looking through any baby name books until I have a wee one on the way because I don't want to fall in love with another name only to "lose" it.
Already two of my favorite boy names have been taken over by girls. One of my favorite girl names is way too similar to my niece's name. And if it is the name of someone I know, or have known, then it also goes off the list.
Some names get eliminated because friends and family have used the names for their kids. Not to mention if the name is too popular it also gets cut.
So, with all this already hindering me I can't imagine adding in someone else's preferences or prejudices.

Continuing the Celebration

Once when I was on Po.st S.ecret I saw a post from a man about getting a secret vasectomy right before he and his wife started trying for child number two. He explained they had no money for fertility tests and bragged that he was getting "it" a lot while never worrying about creating another kid. Meanwhile I'm sure his wife was getting frustrated and sad every month she couldn't get pregnant. This brings me to reason number two why I'm happy I'm single:

2. TTC
I choose when I want to start a family - I don't have to nag some poor guy until he gives in, likewise there's no one pushing me before I'm sure.
I can choose what method to use and if I want to try IUI five times before moving to IVF then it's nobody's money but my own. And if I decide I need to move to donor eggs, donor embryos, or adoption I can do so without a partner's objections.
I decide how many children I want (with the exception of multiples) and don't have to worry about a significant other wanting more or fewer. (See the above-mentioned jerk)
And I decide when I've had enough and feel I need to stop TTC without feeling as though I'm letting down my significant other if they want to give it another try.

Celebrating Singledom in the Month of Love

So it's February now and the stores are brimming with chocolates, stuffed animals, Valentine cards and enough pink and red to blind a person. And typical of nearly every year in my life I don't have a significant other for the 14th. But this year, rather than drown my sorrows in a pint of chocolate peanut butter ice cream, I'm going to celebrate all the things I like about being single. And I made a list of them. So, without further ado (but in no particular order) here is reason number one:

1. I get the bed all to myself.
I can spread out, lay whichever way I want, toss and turn and never once worry about being a space invader or waking someone else up.
All the pillows are mine and I can surround myself with as many as I need.
All the blankets are mine and you better believe I'll be piling on more if it's cold or pushing them off when it's hot.
I don't have someone else's cold feet poking me and I'm not annoying them with mine.
I can deck out my bed in purple flowery sheets and no one will protest.
When I go to bed late at night I'm not waking anyone up. And nobody wakes me with their before-the-sunrise schedule.
And best of all - I don't have to listen to anyone snoring!

100%

(Note: I apologize for any weird changes of tense. It's late, I should be in bed, and I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts in writing right now. Also, like another blogger I too seem to be getting a white screen when going to the comment section, but only on certain blogs - anyone know what's up with that?)

When I started down this Thinking path I was probably 85-90% sure I would eventually move to the Trying stage if I found myself still single by a certain time. But that small percentage lingered in the back of my mind, making me wonder if my fears about single motherhood would cause me to chicken out. So over the past several months I have pondered that small percentage, looking at it from every angle. Exploring in my mind what it might be like if I chose to live child-free. Asking myself how far I'm willing to go with this dream of mine, what I feel I can honestly cope with, and what I will need before I can be sure I am ready to move to the Trying stage. But most of all I wanted to be 100% sure that I am choosing the right path if I should find myself still single sometime in the future.

So, it was during these musings that I got to thinking about the time I auditioned for a musical my local community theater was doing. It was a musical I had always dreamed about being in and I started practicing for the audition three months in advance!!
When the time came I was one of about 60 other people (a large number for my small town) to audition for this play. And despite all of my preparation I totally bombed out. I forgot half of the dance number, I couldn't seem to come in at the right spot for my song - it was a disaster. But do I regret auditioning? No. I regret that it went so horribly bad, but I don't regret trying. And despite how embarassed I was by the whole thing I know that had I chickened out and not auditioned I would have regretted it even more. And I would have always wondered, could it have been me up on that stage?

This got me thinking about how I would feel if I were in the beginning stages of menopause having never even tried to have a child. The overwhelming feeling was one of regret. Painful, absolutely whole-hearted regret. A feeling far worse than my fears about single motherhood. And suddenly my mind was made up. I am now 100% sure that if no man comes along then SMC is the path for me. Of course my fears about single motherhood are still floating around my head, but they don't speak near as loudly as my fear of never trying.
I guess this means I've officially graduated to the Planning stage. Now I have to decide what age would be best to start trying...

Some Goals For 2012

I'm so excited about 2012. I have a feeling it is going to bring good things! I'm also relishing the chance to start over fresh and cross more things off my To Do list than I did in 2011. So here are some of my goals for the year:

• Go outside more - Brand new camping equipment? Check. The Great Outdoors? Check. What am I waiting for?
• Get a less stressful, higher paying job
• Get rid of my muffin top and get more exercise in general - What can I say? I like carbs and sugar and cheese and I'd rather be eating them than working them off
• Finish my scrapbooks
• Pare down my hobbies - anyone need any unused/slightly used knitting, crocheting, and beading supplies?
• Start drawing again
• Blog more

I can't wait to get started and see what this year brings! Happy New Year to you all!