Pat on the Back

I spend a lot of time putting myself down. All I have to do is look in a mirror to get the inner commentary going. Yet saying nice things about myself to other people feels like bragging. So often in real life I just keep quiet and hide my accomplishments. It seems easier that way.
But in the spirit of being nicer to myself I thought, for once, I would like to give myself a pat on the back. So here goes.

I got all A's in my classes this semester, a 4.0 GPA. This isn't the first 4.0 GPA I've gotten but it is the first where I've walked away with nearly 100% in every class, even 115% in one class thanks to getting 100% on every assignment and test plus bonus points!
I was worried about returning to school seven years after I graduated college the first time but apparently studying for tests and writing essays is much like riding a bike - it all comes back when you need it to.

One more school-related pat on the back. For my business class we had to come up with a business for our final project that was different from everyone else in class and we were randomly called on to shout out our ideas. When my turn came I said my business would be crafts. My professor was skeptical of this and joked to the class that the idea sounded like crap.
Because I am stubborn I went with it anyway and while I noticed he critiqued several other people's business projects he told me mine was great just the way it was and that I was his best student. He even told a friend of mine at a bar (long story) that should I ever need any help starting my business to give him a call and then left his number with my friend. (Not in a creepy way, he genuinely was offering his help if I need it).

The Eternal Optimist?

Anybody else do this? Whenever I see a guy who is my type, or close to it, and we have at least one thing in common my mind runs away with me and I start to picture how our future together could play out. Little vignettes of me introducing him to my friends and family, of us falling in love begin popping into my head.

It seems to be an instantaneous reaction that most assuredly comes from my heart and not my brain because one thing I've learned over the years is that my heart lives in a candy-coated world of rainbows and unicorns where maybe, just maybe wishing hard enough will bring true love.

It took me many years, and a couple embarrassing instances of one-sided "love" to finally separate my brain from my heart. Now when my heart begins it's little song and dance the rest of me just laughs and gets on with reality.

A Look Inside

How come I can think of great blog posts when I am away from my computer but when I sit down to write them I can no longer remember what I wanted to talk about? I think this is a sign I should blog more often.

I had my first date with an ultrasound machine at the beginning of November. I had my annual visit with the gyno and I told her about some lingering pain I'd been having in my left side. When she did my exam she seemed to think the left felt different and I agreed that it was more sensitive than usual so she ordered up an ultrasound for the next day.
Apparently my gyno's office doesn't do ultrasounds in-house, they send people to another office located across the street (and by across the street I mean you have to go way to the opposite side of the hospital and then cross the street). Is it common for ob/gyn offices to be separated from ultrasounds places like that, or is mine just special because I live in a small town?
Anyway, I was instructed to drink 32oz of water one hour before the appointment. Wow! Driving across town, parking, signing in, filling out new patient paperwork, waiting for the ultrasound tech, and then climbing up on the exam table with a VERY full bladder is no joke. Thankfully I was allowed to go to the bathroom before the internal ultrasound began.
The way this ultrasound place is set up is very nice. It was modern yet homey and more inviting and warm than clinical. There were comfortable benches set up in the exam room (I assume for the exciting ultrasounds when extra family comes), there was a nice-sized t.v. screen set up right across from where I was laying so I could watch everything, and there was even bonus mood lighting! ;)
I was nervous about the internal but it wasn't bad at all. The ultrasound tech was nice, she asked if I had any kiddos and when I answered no she didn't ask any more questions which was fine by me because I was too fascinated by what was on the screen!
It was very interesting to get a glimpse inside and try to figure out what was what. It was also kind of reassuring in a weird way. I mean, I get a monthly reminder that there is a uterus and ovaries in there but actually seeing them on the screen kind of brought them to life on a whole different level. Is that crazy? Also, judging by my reaction to this ultrasound, I can already picture the waterworks that will happen when the ultrasound is of a baby (hopefully tears of joy).
On the good side the ultrasound showed nothing on the left that would cause my pain and it showed a lining with a normal thickness and a follicle (or ovulatory cyst) on the right. On the not-bad-but-maybe-concerning side there was a small polyp detected.
As for my pain, my doctor thought it could be digestive or ovulatory. I guess I'll monitor it and seek further diagnosis if it continues.

Sneaking a Little Free Time

Just a few days after my last post life got a little hectic with school, work, and family parties. Then I got sick twice in two weeks. All of this added together meant I had to limit my computer use to school-related things only or I'd never get my essays and homework done in time (master procrastinator here) and that means I haven't read any blogs in that time.
So, now I am taking a quick between-essay break to catch up with everyone's blogs and update here.

First, I would like to say a big heartfelt thank you to Jen, Tiara, Nell, Evelyn, The Riveting Mama, SMC in STL, and Shannon for your comments on my last post. They really meant a lot to me, more than I can express in a few words on here!
As for my blog, I still have not figured out what to do with this space but there are some ideas bouncing around in my head. Likely it will end up being a hodgepodge of sorts.

Now, off to catch up on blogs before I drag myself back to the essay I should be doing.

Going Somewhere, Slowly

I've known for a while now that I wouldn't make my original goal of starting TTC at age 30. But it really hit home when I quit that last crappy job and started up school again. And ever since then I have debated what to do with this blog.

I intended for this space to focus on Thinking, Planning, Trying, Becoming, Being, etc. A way to connect with other women who were going down the same path. This was supposed to be a place to share the feelings I have about this process that I can't share with anyone in real life.

But here I am two and half years later and the Thinking phase is done. Unless the mythical Mr. Right sees fit to gallop up in shining armor, I will become a Single Mother by Choice. My mind is made up on that.

Next has come the Planning phase, and honestly until I can set an actual TTC start date, I am afraid there isn't much more I can do in this phase. At least nothing worth writing about. So I am stuck.

My blog doesn't really belong amongst the blogs I follow anymore and I feel rather stupid for starting it so far ahead of when I actually needed to.

And yet, I've found I like blogging, at least when I find the time for it. And I enjoy following everyone's journeys. So I really don't know what to do. Should I come up with a photo challenge? Talk about my crafts or other projects? Do a combination of things? That might occupy a little time, but for all I know it will be years before I can move on to the Trying phase.

What do I do with this space in the meantime?

Best For Last?

As I was dreaming of the future for about the millionth time I began to wonder how I would know, truly know, when the time was right to start trying for a baby. Sure, there are things I want to have in place first like a steady job, my own apartment or house, and some money in savings.

But when I finally have those things, what then?

I remember as a kid whenever my parents would take my siblings and I out for pizza and ice cream, or to the park, we would always have to stop first at the business my parents owned and wait while they did mundane things like paperwork and cleaning.
It got to the point where every time this would happen my siblings and I would shout "worst for first, best for last!!......worst for first, best for last!!"

Somehow this mantra has stuck with me. I seem to want to save all the best things for last so I can always have something to look forward to. I think I'm under the delusion that somehow, once everything else is accomplished, I'll have time to truly savor my most cherished goals.

The flipside, of course, is waiting so long that accomplishing these goals becomes impossible and that would be more heartbreaking by far. So how do I find that happy medium?

Time Warp

I can't believe it's been a month since my last post. Where has all the time gone?? I have about ten deeper posts sitting in draft mode right now but I can't seem to form thoughts coherent enough to get my meaning across, so for this post I will stick to an update of my life right now.

For the past five weeks I have been using this training schedule to get myself prepared for the upcoming Zombie 5K that I signed up for.
The training schedule is really meant for a running track but my gym doesn't have one and it is too hot to go outside so I have modified it for treadmill and elliptical. It's a fairly easy training routine which is probably why I haven't lost a single pound since I started it. If I do happen to lose a pound it magically reappears the next time I weigh myself. So, it's definitely not a routine for losing weight, let's hope it's at least conditioning me to face a 5K racecourse full of zombies and obstacles. Only two more weeks until race day, yikes!

As I have been training I have also been more aware of what I eat and how much I am eating. I've really been trying to be good about making healthier food choices, not having dessert when I am feeling full, and limiting my portions closer to an actual serving size. Apparently my efforts in this regard have also not paid off as far as losing weight goes but I think I am heading down the right road.

In other news, I have tabled any plans to move out of town or out of state for the moment and am officially signed up to take classes at the local college this coming semester. I'm not thrilled about returning to the land of homework and such, but if it gets me where I need to be then good.

The State of the State

Since I am stuck in the SMC Planning stage I figure I might as well continue to plan for when I do make it to the TTC stage. So, with that in mind there are two things about my home state I want to talk about.......

1. REs - So far as I can find, there is only one official RE in my state and he is not located in my town. He is located in a city about 220 miles away from me. That's about 3 1/2 hours of interstate driving when the roads are nice and clear. But it would be a rather difficult drive in the winter (October - March/April) with snow and ice, that is if the road isn't closed due to blizzards.
It would possibly be doable if I were doing IVF, but it would be ludicrous to drive that far for an IUI when my cycles are so completely unpredictable.
I'm not sure if any of the in-town doctors do IUIs and whether they would do them with frozen swimmers or not. Anyone have experience with a regular OB/Gyn being able to work with frozen sperm? Right now I'm leaning toward at-home inseminations when the time comes. Unless I move somewhere that has a local RE.

 2. Cost of Living - Ali brought up a good point on my last post - the numbers I quoted likely belong to areas with a higher cost of living. Areas where you really do need that much money to get by, especially as a single parent. Of course, I would love to make as much money as possible to be more secure in providing for my family (who wouldn't?). But I will also keep in mind that it is important for my mental health that I am comfortable in my job.

Anyway, my state has a fairly low cost of living, with one exception - house prices. I looked up some statistics the other day and while my state ranks somewhere from 35th to 38th for median annual income per person; it also happens to rank 11th for median house price. I've looked at house prices in the Sunday paper over the last couple years and I believe it.

We have lots of vacations homes, homes with huge tracts of land, and for some reason a gluttony of high-end retirement condos which have all kept our home prices high. During the recession prices went down a little but we never really had many foreclosures, at least not in my city. And now that the recession is winding down prices have only gotten higher. I guess that's the downside of living in such a beautiful state.

We also don't have much in the way of nice apartments that don't cost as much as a mortgage. Ugh, still working on this dilemma.

A Decision Made.....Sort of

All this past week I secluded myself in my room and researched the heck out of schools and jobs. I drove myself batty, changed my mind a dozen times, remembered exactly why I did a Bachelor's in Anthropology/Archaeology the first time (nothing else gave me the warm fuzzies), and finally brought my head, heart, and wallet together in some sort of compromise. I think.

You see, yesterday morning I was all set on going for a Bachelor's in Accounting. It is a career path with the potential to make a decent amount of money and I think I'd have a reasonable chance of doing well at it, perhaps even enjoying it. However, as I looked through the class offerings at my old alma mater I could tell that my heart just wasn't quite sold. And so, my uneasy feelings, combined with the thought of paying for another Bachelor's degree in a subject I wasn't sure about, left me feeling a little cold.

So I researched again. This time I came up with Medical Billing & Coding. There's a lovely little accredited community college about an hour and fifteen minutes away from me that offers this as an Associate's degree. Best of all, they offer an online program for it. Bad news is I'm pretty sure I'm too late to sign up for fall and I'm not sure if I could start in the spring or not. The only good thing about starting later is that I would have time to look into scholarships.

Then I started thinking, maybe I should do the Bookkeeping Certificate at the local school as well. It's only a year-long program and I could probably handle doing both at the same time for one semester if I started the Billing & Coding in the Spring. That way I'd have two potential career paths.

But then two things happened. I looked up the median salary for Billing & Coding and I came across an article (which I can't find now or I would link to it) on the Choice Moms site that had the results of a Choice Mom income survey. Most of the women that answered said they made in the $60,000 - $90,000 range, I believe, with a good chunk making more than that. The median salary for Billing & Coding doesn't even come close to $60,000, in fact it is far less and since that is the median income there is a chance I wouldn't even make that much. Would it be enough to raise a child on my own?

This has led me to test the waters of Computer Programming, another career choice I would probably need a Bachelor's for, and so far I am undecided on this one.

So, my plan for now is to probably sign up for the Bookkeeping Certificate. Meanwhile I will attempt to make a career path choice in time to sign up for Spring or Fall 2014.

Unless a lucrative job, that I would feel confident doing, comes my way in the next couple months (hear that Universe??).

If anyone has advice on jobs or career paths or the cost of raising a child (or two) on your own, please chime in, any advice would be helpful. I know money is a sensitive subject, and one few people feel comfortable openly discussing, so if you'd rather e-mail, my e-mail address is in my new Other page. Also, I have seen this PDF and read most of the Can You Afford It? page on Choice Moms, if that helps.

Scattered to the Winds

So many of my friends are moving, have moved recently, or will be moving within the next year. I'm beginning to think it might be contagious.

This very week a friend and her husband moved to Oregon while another friend moved to North Carolina.

In May a friend moved to Idaho and another friend hopes to join her there in a year.

At the end of summer another friend is moving to Indiana.

And in about half a year another friend and her husband will be moving to the east coast - probably in or near New Jersey.

This is on top of one of my closest friends moving to Arizona a couple years ago and another friend moving a couple weeks ago to a brand new custom built home in a nearby town.

Except for my BFF my town is now pretty much devoid of friends. And in the next year or so, my whole state will be practically devoid of friends as well.

This, plus my friend B trying to convince me to move where she is now, has got me wondering if I should join in this "great migration".

B's new town does offer some advantages on the jobs and fertility front (there's actually an RE's office in the town - more on the RE situation in my state in another post). But it has some disadvantages for raising kids (no family nearby).

Still, I think I just might consider applying there for any appealing jobs that pop up.

Decision Time

My temporary job ended on the 2nd. Thankfully there was enough work to last four full weeks this time! But now I no longer have an excuse not to make a decision on my future.

Work or school?

The way I see it, I have a few options for either:

• I could continue trying to find a job in the town where I live now, though there aren't that many to be had. Thinking in terms of a future baby, finding a job where I live now would be ideal. All of my close relatives live in this town and my best friend is here too. Problem is, there are very few good jobs to be had here. On one end there are tons of minimum wage jobs, on the other end you need a bachelor's/master's in a specific field plus 3-5 years experience. In between are the jobs that nobody wants to do, like the one I quit.

• I could expand my job search to other cities or even other states. It could be an adventure or it could be a big waste of time and money. Would someone from out-of-state actually hire me? And pay enough so I could have an apartment? Would I find myself wanting/needing to move back near family when I have kids?

• I could start my own business. I can only afford to start a micro business and I've seen enough statistics on Etsy to know that I might never make more than a little spending money. Still, it is a possibility to make extra money - if only I could come up with a really great idea.

As for school:

• I could go to the local college I applied to last December. I'm beginning to think the program I started off wanting to do is really meant as a supplement for people with business degrees and not as a stand-alone degree. Otherwise they don't offer much of interest to me.

• I could go to another in-state college. Found a great vocational program in the town where I got my bachelor's degree but I'm not sure if I'd physically be able to work in this field thanks to an on-going medical issue.

• I could go to an out-of-state college. More options for degrees but then there is the dreaded out-of-state tuition. I'm really not sure I want to take out another student loan after I just paid off the last one.

So much to think about. All of the above descriptions are just tiny fractions of the pros/cons running around in my head. And best/worst of all - I only have a short window in which to make my decision before registration closes on school and before my resume begins to show too much of a gap.

What to do? What to do?

How I Know That Having a Baby is What I Really Want

I was thinking the other day about how much easier my life would be if I just gave up on the dream of having a baby.

I could go to graduate school, or get another bachelor's degree, or pursue any degree I wanted because it wouldn't matter how long it took me to finish. I wouldn't be a slave to my biological clock. And it wouldn't matter how much money it cost, or whether I could reasonably be guaranteed a job that would pay a decent amount. I would only have myself to provide for.

I could get a job that involved heavy lifting or weird hours. I wouldn't have to think in terms of future pregnancy or parenting.

I could get a one-bedroom or even studio apartment and I wouldn't even need a yard. I would only need room for me.

I could move to any city, state, or country I wanted. I wouldn't need to stay near my family for support.

I could use any money I saved for things like traveling, or buying land and getting some horses like I still occasionally dream of. I wouldn't need the money for doctor visits, medication, or treatments. I wouldn't need the money for daycare or a nanny or any other large expenses that come with children.

I could make travel plans for years in the future. I wouldn't need to plan around potential TTC, pregnancy, or baby.

I could stop worrying about whether I ovulate, or if I'm fertile at all.


Yet, despite all these possibilities, I cannot fathom giving up - especially before I've even tried. It's the dream I've had for longer than I can remember and it shapes so much of who I see myself as being.

It fills my daydreams and my thoughts and my imagination. It motivates me to keep working towards the goals I need to accomplish before I can finally turn all my energy to this dream.

And though any of the possibilities I mentioned might make my life easier in the short-term, all of them combined couldn't fill the void that would be left if I tucked my dreams of baby away with the other dreams that will never be fulfilled.

Determination and Denial

My birthday yesterday was nice. I went to dinner with my parents then we had some of the peanut butter chocolate pie that I made and watched a movie. Later today we celebrate with the rest of the family.

I think I'm in denial about turning 29, I still feel as if I should be somewhere around age 25. I think it's because there are so many things I wanted to do that I haven't done yet so it feels like I'm aging too quickly. Other people, (friends, family, normal people) have accomplished so much by this age and I guess I haven't really hit any of the normal adult "milestones" yet, like getting a place of my own, getting married, and having kids, so I don't really feel much like an adult much less an adult who is a year away from turning 30.

But I am determined not to waste this year. I'm going to make the most of 29 and do the things I want to do and work harder than before to meet the goals I have set out to achieve. First step: conquering my fears.

The American Dream

Side Note: I forgot to add in my last post that I feel I did the right thing in quitting that last job. It may not be the right thing for my wallet or my resume but it was the right thing for me. I even had a nightmare (and I hardly ever have nightmares) about being required to go back to work there. I also learned that one of the coworkers that I started with in March quit about a week and a half after I did for similar reasons. So that helps knowing I wasn't alone in my feelings about the job.

(For the purposes of this post I'm going to assume the American Dream is owning your own home. Also, I have tried to simplify this post as much as possible but this topic is something I have thought about a lot over the last few years and there are so many different aspects that go into it and keep changing things up, such as the housing market, my own financial situation, my ability to afford a baby on top of everything else, not to mention my own feelings about future career paths that this will probably get revisited as my circumstances change.)

Now, onto the topic of the post......

I think I may have to give up on the American Dream. Between the push and pull of all my life goals versus my goal of having a baby; baby always wins. Yet, I wanted a home of my own, not just for myself, but for baby too. Yet again, if I can't afford my own home until I'm too old to have a baby then my dreams of home will have to go. So what am I left with?

As far as I'm concerned trying to have a baby while living with my parents is an option that is completely off the table. I know some of the blogs I follow are doing exactly that and I am very jealous. However, I know there is no way I can even mention having a baby on my own until after I'm pregnant and it's too late for my family to try and talk me out of it. Besides, I need my space and I want my independence (even if I only get "me time" for the 9 months it takes to grow a baby).

So, this leaves me with three options.

1. Continue to try for a house.
2. Try to get a job that will allow me to afford an apartment.
3. Get a job and then room with my friend/former coworker.

1. A Home of My Own
  As far as I can tell there are three main things a person needs to get a mortgage. They must:

1. Earn enough per month to afford a mortgage and then some
2. Have money for a down payment, at least 10% and preferably 20% (though there are FHA loans)
3. Have a good credit score

 Number 3 is fine so far, it's the other two I'm having trouble with.
 Not to mention the housing market in my city has recently gone from slim to none for choices in my "price range".

Pros:

• Possibly have a yard for a garden, place for kids and pets to run around
• An investment
• Could decorate/change how I like
• More likely to have the number of beds & bathrooms that I want
• My own laundry
• Possibly have a garage
• My own space

Cons:

• Large upfront cost
• Need at least a year's worth of pay stubs showing a high enough income to qualify
• Likely need more college education to get on the right career path towards qualifying
• Might take so long to get a high enough paycheck, enough pay stubs, enough money for a down payment, as well as save enough for fertility treatments that it will be much harder to conceive by the time all that is achieved
• Repairs/maintenance could be expensive
• Would have to sell if moving
• Yard maintainence
• Would have to be able to afford on my own even if I got a roommate
• Might be difficult to sell if I need to

2. An Apartment of My Own

Pros:

• Don't need to wait a year to qualify after getting a job
• Landlord to handle repairs/maintenance
• Easier to leave if I need to move
• My own space

Cons:

• Don't get to decorate/personalize much
• Can't choose layout or appliances
• Nearly the price of a mortgage
• Rent can always go up
• Might be forced out if landlord wants to sell
• Possible noisy neighbors (or with a baby I could be the hated noisy neighbor)
• Not likely to have a garage
• Might have shared laundry
• Have to pay more for pets or pets not allowed
• No yard

3. An Apartment With My Friend
I have a friend and former coworker who needs a roommate. Even working two jobs he is having some trouble affording his rent. We get along well most of the time and it could work out great for both of us once I get a job again.

Pros:

• Most of the pros for own apartment
• More affordable
• Safer
• Pets (5 kitties!)

Cons:

• Most of the cons for own apartment
• Not my own space, at least not entirely
• Roommate can be a bit messy and keeps weird hours
• Worry about place not getting locked when gone
• Don't like the layout of his current apartment
• Too many pets for small space??
• No room for baby? would at least need to move before a baby was mobile as placement of stairs is a major hazard

There are other options, such as getting an apartment as soon as I can afford one then buying a house later but I'm afraid if I throw money towards a monthly rent payment, not to mention other expenses, I won't be in a position to save enough for a down payment.


Ugh, perhaps I should just concentrate on getting a job first.

Updates

I have a couple of different topics floating around my head so this will have to be a bullet post.

• My work situation is kind of odd right now. I signed on with a temp agency and was able to get a job through them that is expected to go through sometime in June. However, after one week of work all of us temporary employees were given a "spring break" until the mail picks up again and we have more work to do. They thought it might be a break of about a week but it will be two weeks tomorrow since I have been on break. I'm really hoping they call again soon so I can get back to working.
• As for my old job, my boss has been out of town for most of March and April, with the exception of a few days. I haven't talked to her personally but I know business has been slow and I don't think she is in a situation right now where she can support four full-time employees. She did relate to me, through my friend that still works there, that I can come in a couple evenings a week and help my friend with certain projects and that she will pay me for that, so that is nice - every little bit helps!
• Other than these two situations my career future is still a giant question mark. At times I feel as if I've been given a chance to start over and I could go back to school for anything I want. I could go to graduate school like I wanted or I could go to school for something boring useful, haha! I could start my own business but it scares me to dip into my savings for start-up capital on something that might not pan out. Then again more schooling might not land me the kind of job I want either, so it's really a gamble either way.
• One good outcome of being on "spring break" - I finished my scrapbook!!! Also, I have decided that I will not be scrapbooking the trip I took last year as scrapbooking takes too much of my time, money, and creative energy. Plus, while I enjoy the finished product I really don't enjoy the process all that much so that is that. All of those supplies are in storage now waiting (hopefully) for the day when I can perhaps create a pregnancy scrapbook (something that sounds appealing now, but we will see if I have the energy for it when the time comes).

Now I just need to catch up more on my blog reading and commenting. I hope you all are doing great!

A Series of Unfortunate Decisions

On Monday I quit my job. But let me back up a bit.

Last Wednesday my supervisor pulled me aside. She was concerned I wasn't getting the hang of the phones as fast as the other newbies. She asked if there was anything she or anyone could do to help. She implied if I didn't improve in a timely manner they might have to let me go. She asked me to think about things.

On Thursday we met again. She said they were willing to continue having someone sit with me for a while. She said she believed I could do it. I, however, couldn't get what she said on Wednesday out of my head. The damage was done to my already shaky confidence.

I powered through Friday as best I could but by the end of the day my mind was pretty well made up.

Over the weekend I should have thought about things more. I should have done my research into the local job market. I should have researched bookkeeping jobs more, especially what is offered around my state. I should have gone back through my earlier graduate school research again (as this seems to be what my mind naturally reverts back to). I should have thought more about what the job offered. I should have truly sat down and tried to learn what I'd been taught. I should have started the computer program instruction book I thought of on Sunday. Instead I watched t.v. and worked on my scrapbook. I did anything to keep the job out of my mind.

On Monday I quit.

Since then I have researched the job market. I have researched the potential of bookkeeping and graduate school (again). And I don't like what I see. 

I drove around to three businesses to give them resumes and drove past without stopping. I sent in an online application for a part-time job. I sent in an application for a temp agency. I'm supposed to mail in another resume tomorrow and visit another temp agency. But the market is dead here and all I can think about is how most of the jobs offered are $4.00 less than what I was just making, and most are part-time without benefits. Nothing feels right.

The job I worked right before the new one has hired someone else and really can't afford to hire me back, even at the low wage I had there.

I have half a mind to call up my supervisor and ask her to give me another chance. It's not like I have anything to lose, right? I know I could grit my teeth and bear it this time.

I remember at my old job how I dreamed of having some extended time off to get some major projects done. Just a few weeks or months dedicated to checking things off my long list of things to do. Now I am faced with all the time in the world to get these things done and I can't bring myself to do them. It feels like cheating to take advantage of this time off.

Be careful what you wish for...it just might come true.

My Life Feels Like a Cosmic Joke, Part One - Duped

I don't like my new job. At all.

Turns out the job I was offered (in the department I thought would be better suited to my personality) is really just a different, and possibly worse, version of the job I had pretty much made up my mind to turn down.

Years ago, when I started the search for a new job, I made a list of the things I wanted in my next job. One of the top things I wanted was little to no phone work. I can't emphasize enough how much I hate talking on the phone, especially to strangers. So guess what has comprised 99% of my job so far? Phone work. And no one will even tell me if that will continue to be the meat of my job or not. (And just so we're clear, there was some phone work mentioned in the description for the job I originally applied for, but nothing that indicated it would comprise this much of the job, especially as my job is supposedly in a different department.)

Add to that a slew of complicated computer programs (not to mention a whole book of laws, rules, and regulations) I've had to learn in less than two weeks. Plus the confusing customer questions, and the irate, frustrated customers.

Also, my cubicle is about as far from the supervisors as you can get. Normally that would be fine with me but I need to run to them with questions every five minutes. And my cube mate constantly bumps my chair no matter how far I have scooted my chair in. Oh, and I have to get up and go down a long hallway to even see a window. Not great for someone who suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Ugh, there is so much more I would mention but I hesitate to say it, even in vague terms. Heck, I'm a little bit nervous about what I've already mentioned because the company has a lengthy blogging policy and although I'm fairly sure they can't connect me with this blog, or indeed connect what I would say with the company, I'm not going to chance saying more. And I'm certainly not going anywhere near this blog on a work computer. Did I mention they have software that searches the internet looking for keywords in private blogs? (FYI, I might take this post off sometime in the future depending on how things turn out - in case you're wondering why it disappeared).

It seems like school is my best option now to get a job that I will be satisfied with, but school doesn't start until August, which is so very far away. I should have stayed with my old job. At least I would have had the flexibility to work mostly full-time and go to school at the same time. But I can't go back to my old job now because it is being given to someone else.

But if I quit the new job, without securing another job first, I will have a black mark on my resume. Also, it seems like employers only want to hire someone who is already employed. Not to mention I wouldn't have an income, which means I would be hemorrhaging money while I went to school and then searched for a new job.

But if I don't quit, I just might have a nervous breakdown, or a coronary, or something equally unpleasant.

I've never less looked forward to a Monday.

Me and the Pope

Let's play spot the Pope...

Do you see him?

I took this picture as the Pope whizzed by in his Popemobile. Pretty damn good timing on my part considering I didn't have a digital camera at the time so I had no idea if I'd even caught him. Plus that Popemobile drives fast! Honestly, if there is a Vatican speed limit I'm pretty sure the Pope was breaking it.

Now, I don't exactly like talking about religion, but for the record I will say that I am not Catholic. But I am surrounded by Catholics. I swear, they follow me wherever I go. 

And when one is in Rome one indulges their Catholic friends with a trip to Vatican City (like I'd pass up a chance to visit any place remotely related to history) especially after said friends were kind enough to be dragged all over Rome indulging my love of ancient Roman ruins. And let me tell you, if you are a history (or art) buff go visit the Vatican Museum, it is spectacular!

Anyway, most of the world knows that the current (above-pictured) Pope is retiring. In essence, he put in his two-weeks notice. So has someone else.

That's right, all this to say I got a new job! And I will try to condense the story as much as possible.

The place I recently applied at called and offered me a position in a different department from what I had originally applied for. At first I hesitated to accept and asked for time to think about it. Truth be told, the phone call woke me up since I was out of town at the time and sleeping in after celebrating my friend's bachelorette party the night before. I wasn't hungover (really didn't drink that much) but I hadn't gotten to bed until around 4:00am so a 9:30am phone call had me scrambling to figure out why there was noise coming from my phone. (Can you tell I don't get called much?)

Anyway, I thought about it over that weekend, talked to one of my brother's friends who works there and decided this department might be a good fit for me. So I called them and accepted the position. I'm still not sure exactly what my duties will be so that has me a little nervous but everyone I've met there has been so nice and welcoming that I'm hoping it will be okay. Plus the benefits are great and the pay is more than I could ever hope to dream for as a starting wage. The only bad part right now is that the job starts at 8:00am which means getting up at 6:00am and I am not a morning person at all. But I guess it is practice for a baby since no baby seems capable of sleeping in.

And if I find that the job isn't a good fit for me (or me for the job) then I do have my back-up plan of going back to school (and begging to return part-time or full-time at my old job). But for now I am cautiously optimistic. Finally I will be making enough to tempt a mortgage lender which ultimately means the gears of my baby-making plan have begun their motions.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Oh Grumpy cat, you crack me up.

The January Doldrums

I thought I would be happy and excited once the December rush was over and the new year had begun but instead I just feel....blah. However, I don't want to infuse my blog with doom and gloom right now so I'll just update on what has been going on in my life lately.

I did not get to start the college program this semester. With three days before the end of registration my mother graciously got another copy of my high school transcript and hand-delivered it to the college. Apparently the high school says the college misplaces transcripts all the time. The college maintains they never received the fist one I had sent. But they couldn't deny getting the second one. So, I called the college to get a registration appointment. The first number I tried was out of service. I tried another number and someone answered who transferred me to the right number which rang and rang ending in voicemail. I tried the new number a few times but only ever got voicemail. Thus my time ran out for registering......At least until they called me on the first day of classes and assured me I could still register if I wanted. Gee, thanks. I decided I'll wait until next semester if I haven't found a new job by then.

I joined a gym a week ago. It has a therapy pool which I think will help to restrengthen my knee that has been giving me problems. Of course to swim one needs a swimsuit, and a proper swimsuit at that. Somehow I don't think my old glitzy bikini will fit the bill, if it even fits me anymore. So I went swimsuit shopping. Who knew that January isn't swimming weather? Or, rather, who knew that stores getting an early jump on swimsuit season would only carry bikinis?! The closest I could find was a tankini and in my current out-of-shape state that doesn't quite cut it right now. So, the search continues. In the meantime I bought some shirts, sweat pants, etc. so maybe I'll take advantage of some of the stationary bikes.

In other news, life keeps moving faster than I want it to but more on that another time.