So, it was AF and CD1 after all. At least, I think so. It's been 10 days and AF is just now tapering off and already I am having luteal phase symptoms. I am moody, I am hungry, and I feel ugly. It's like my body doesn't understand how to ovulate or cycle regularly anymore. It seems like it just understands AF and luteal phase right now.
In any case, I called my doctor (you always have to leave a message). Her nurse called me back and said the doctor feels it is just random anovulatory cycles and to call them with the next CD1 so we can schedule an ultrasound. And then, if I magically make it to CD21, they want to do a test for progesterone levels. So, that's where I'm at right now.
Tuesday, May 7, 2019
Sunday, April 28, 2019
The Best Laid Plans
My last normal cycle was in January. Twice now, I have been expecting to go into my fertile window only to be hit with surprise AF.
My March cycle started that way with the weirdest AF I've had in a long time. Normally, AF starts heavy, then gradually tapers off. That time, it stayed consistently medium before abruptly stopping at the usual time. However, it turned into a somewhat normal cycle, with fertile window and normal luteal phase, though the cycle length was shorter than my usual at only 27 days long.
The March cycle ended with a normal AF. I had my HSG on CD8 which caused some expected spotting. Things returned to normal and now here I am on what should be CD17 and I have no idea if this is actually a new CD1 or mid-cycle spotting. It's too heavy for spotting, too light for my normal AF.
If it really is AF, then that makes four periods in the last 63 days!!
I'm worried about peri-menopause or early menopause but I would think all the blood tests I've had recently might show that something like that was going on??
Maybe I've been under too much stress lately or maybe the tests and doctors missed something? Maybe this is a side-effect of the HSG?
It doesn't help that I also just crossed the age line into 35, the age whereby your fertility is thought to drop exponentially.
Early AF was neither an expected, nor wanted, birthday present.
My March cycle started that way with the weirdest AF I've had in a long time. Normally, AF starts heavy, then gradually tapers off. That time, it stayed consistently medium before abruptly stopping at the usual time. However, it turned into a somewhat normal cycle, with fertile window and normal luteal phase, though the cycle length was shorter than my usual at only 27 days long.
The March cycle ended with a normal AF. I had my HSG on CD8 which caused some expected spotting. Things returned to normal and now here I am on what should be CD17 and I have no idea if this is actually a new CD1 or mid-cycle spotting. It's too heavy for spotting, too light for my normal AF.
If it really is AF, then that makes four periods in the last 63 days!!
I'm worried about peri-menopause or early menopause but I would think all the blood tests I've had recently might show that something like that was going on??
Maybe I've been under too much stress lately or maybe the tests and doctors missed something? Maybe this is a side-effect of the HSG?
It doesn't help that I also just crossed the age line into 35, the age whereby your fertility is thought to drop exponentially.
Early AF was neither an expected, nor wanted, birthday present.
Monday, April 22, 2019
Test Results
So, this post has been sitting in my drafts for a while now. I forgot I didn't publish it earlier but now I need to add more anyway.
The blood tests have confirmed that I have PCOS. My A1C is riding just barely below the level of pre-diabetes and my doctor wants me to meet with a nutritionist, despite being at a normal BMI.
Remember this post and this post about wanting to get my MMR updated? I later found my immunization records and saw that I was vaccinated twice for it. I thought I was all good. However, one of the recent blood tests was for rubella. Apparently my level of immunity to it is what my doctor calls "equivocal", which means they can tell I've been vaccinated but that I'm probably not entirely immune anymore. So, I went and had that updated. I can't help but be a little annoyed that I asked for it to be updated last year and was refused.
I have to be on metformin. However, it said to not take it if you're having a procedure that uses X-rays and contrasting dyes. I filled the prescription but elected not to take it until after the HSG.
Speaking of the HSG, the timing didn't work for March but I was able to schedule it for April. In fact, I just had it last week. I was really dreading it based on other people's horror stories but, for me, the worst part was the extra large speculum. Once they took the speculum out it was smooth sailing. I did not feel the balloon catheter and only experienced very mild cramping when the contrast was injected. My doctor said I passed the "natural childbirth" test. Though that pleases me, I kinda doubt natural childbirth is as easy as that.
When the HSG was over she showed me the X-rays and how everything looked normal. So, the good news is my tubes are not blocked. Yay!
Then she proceeded to tell me I could go ahead and have intercourse every couple days this cycle and to call her with a positive pregnancy test or CD1. *sigh*
This is where I really suck at being a patient. I get so nervous in the presence of doctors (and other authority figures) that I forget to ask questions, feel bad about contradicting them, and generally just want to get things over with as quickly as possible. I am not my own best advocate. I probably should have spoken up and reminded my doctor that I can't currently fulfill that prescription for penis-cillin. I should have asked what my steps are going forward with an IUI cycle, especially as it will have to be coordinated between two towns and more than one clinic. But, there were also two nurses listening in and HIPPA-be-damned, it's still nerve-wracking explaining to an audience of strangers that I am pursuing this as a single person. Plus, I just wanted to get out of the hospital gown and get dressed. Besides, I don't plan on cycling again until July for a few different reasons. The timetable could move up, but hopefully I can just call up the doctor's office and arrange things when I'm ready.
Also, right before the HSG the doctor informed me that my DHEA was elevated and that she wanted me on a second prescription for cycling but she never said what that med was and I forgot to ask after the procedure. I also forgot to ask when I should start the metformin and how long I should be taking it. I really need to be better about asking and remembering questions.
The blood tests have confirmed that I have PCOS. My A1C is riding just barely below the level of pre-diabetes and my doctor wants me to meet with a nutritionist, despite being at a normal BMI.
Remember this post and this post about wanting to get my MMR updated? I later found my immunization records and saw that I was vaccinated twice for it. I thought I was all good. However, one of the recent blood tests was for rubella. Apparently my level of immunity to it is what my doctor calls "equivocal", which means they can tell I've been vaccinated but that I'm probably not entirely immune anymore. So, I went and had that updated. I can't help but be a little annoyed that I asked for it to be updated last year and was refused.
I have to be on metformin. However, it said to not take it if you're having a procedure that uses X-rays and contrasting dyes. I filled the prescription but elected not to take it until after the HSG.
Speaking of the HSG, the timing didn't work for March but I was able to schedule it for April. In fact, I just had it last week. I was really dreading it based on other people's horror stories but, for me, the worst part was the extra large speculum. Once they took the speculum out it was smooth sailing. I did not feel the balloon catheter and only experienced very mild cramping when the contrast was injected. My doctor said I passed the "natural childbirth" test. Though that pleases me, I kinda doubt natural childbirth is as easy as that.
When the HSG was over she showed me the X-rays and how everything looked normal. So, the good news is my tubes are not blocked. Yay!
Then she proceeded to tell me I could go ahead and have intercourse every couple days this cycle and to call her with a positive pregnancy test or CD1. *sigh*
This is where I really suck at being a patient. I get so nervous in the presence of doctors (and other authority figures) that I forget to ask questions, feel bad about contradicting them, and generally just want to get things over with as quickly as possible. I am not my own best advocate. I probably should have spoken up and reminded my doctor that I can't currently fulfill that prescription for penis-cillin. I should have asked what my steps are going forward with an IUI cycle, especially as it will have to be coordinated between two towns and more than one clinic. But, there were also two nurses listening in and HIPPA-be-damned, it's still nerve-wracking explaining to an audience of strangers that I am pursuing this as a single person. Plus, I just wanted to get out of the hospital gown and get dressed. Besides, I don't plan on cycling again until July for a few different reasons. The timetable could move up, but hopefully I can just call up the doctor's office and arrange things when I'm ready.
Also, right before the HSG the doctor informed me that my DHEA was elevated and that she wanted me on a second prescription for cycling but she never said what that med was and I forgot to ask after the procedure. I also forgot to ask when I should start the metformin and how long I should be taking it. I really need to be better about asking and remembering questions.
Sunday, February 24, 2019
The Appointment
This is going to be long.
I wanted to wait to update until I had actually gone to the appointment.
I didn't receive a call back from the doctor's office until the following Wednesday (I had originally called on a Friday). The person I talked to for that call seemed to be fairly nice and non-judgemental. We set up the appointment for a few weeks from that date and I was instructed that a packet of papers would be sent to me.
It wasn't until later that I realized that AF would be around on the appointment date. So, I ended up having to call back and reschedule it for another date.
About a week before my appointment, I realized my packet had never arrived. I ended up calling the office but it wasn't until a Friday afternoon (my appointment was the following Thursday). I asked about my packet not arriving and the lady said they had sent one on the 10th of January (this was about a month later that I was calling). We confirmed my address was correct and she said she'd send another one on Monday and hoped it would arrive in time.
The Thursday of my appointment rolled around and I still hadn't gotten the packet. I decided to check the mail before leaving, just in case, and there it was. So, I hurriedly filled it out as best I could before getting on the road. The clinic is only about an hour and a half away but, because of snow, I decided to leave at least three hours ahead of appointment time. The snow was really bad in town and I was worried how the highway would be. Fortunately, it was a lot less snowy out of town and I was able to make good time going over.
By the time I got to the clinic the wind had started to pick up and I could see that another winter storm was predicted to come in around 6:00pm. My appointment was supposed to be an hour long, starting at 2:30, so I figured I'd be nearly home by the time the storm hit.
Inside the clinic, I was surprised by how busy it was. I didn't actually end up seeing the doctor until sometime after 3:30. Though, with all the activity I could hear, it sounded like they were a bit short-staffed that day and even the doctor was spread thin dealing with multiple patients. It seemed like it was not a typical day, so I'm going to try not to hold that against them.
However, when I did finally see the doctor she was very nice and welcoming. She seemed very knowledgeable. I mainly wanted to know what the likelihood was of me having PCOS and endometriosis, as well as how to go forward with getting pregnant.
Based on my symptoms, she believes it is highly likely that I do have PCOS, though she wouldn't officially give me the diagnosis until she gets some test results back. We did an ultrasound which showed I had likely just ovulated (which matched with my BBT chart). One ovary seemed to have activity that indicated PCOS but the other (the ovulatory one) didn't. She saw something on the ovulatory ovary that, if not resolved later, might indicate a possibility of endometriosis, though it was likely related to the recent ovulation.
The good news is that I still ovulate, despite the PCOS. However, the doctor thinks my eggs are just not high quality enough by the time I ovulate, and that may be why I have not gotten pregnant. She said she would like to see me on metformin. She also believes I should take even more Vitamin D, though we are waiting on results from my Vitamin D blood test. I ended up having to get about seven vials of blood drawn for all the tests the doctor wanted.
She also wants me to get my blood drawn for CD3 hormone testing and I'm supposed to call on CD1 to schedule an HSG. She said she prefers to do the HSG at her clinic because apparently they don't do them often in my town and there have been horror stories of them being long and drawn out. She said she does them all the time, so it's better there. The HSG is one thing that is freaking me out because I've heard varying accounts of how painful it is, but I know it is important to see that the tubes are open. However, I don't think the timing will work this month as I suspect the dates for doing one will fall during a coworker's vacation and I cannot take off a whole day of work, or even a half day at that time.
She said that if I want to go through their clinic for cycles that they coordinate all the time with an ultrasound clinic that is in my town. The only difficulty, of course, is being able to get time off work, especially for specific days and times at short notice. I'm not exactly sure how that is going to work though I might only need to take a half-day when the roads are better.
Anyway, for now we are waiting on the results of my blood tests and CD1. Also, the possibility of endometriosis is not off the table but the doctor would like to hold off on any kind of exploratory surgery at this time. I am happy to hold off, though I worry about wasting more time and money if it is present.
Also, after waiting for the doctor, waiting for the ultrasound room, and waiting to get my blood drawn, it was after 6:00pm by the time I finally got out of there.
The wind had really picked up and it was absolutely nasty in the parking lot. When I went to leave, the snow was blowing so hard it was practically whiteout conditions. I could barely see the roadway or any other cars. I figured if it was like that on the interstate, I would pull over and get a hotel. Also, it was rapidly getting dark as the sun had pretty much set. However, by the time I got to the interstate, I could see that the road was just wet, not snowy or icy. It wasn't until I got to the two-lane highway that there started to be snow on the road. It was full dark by this time and the snowplows had not plowed the passing lanes so I'm afraid some people were stuck behind me until we made it into town. I'm so thankful it wasn't worse and that I made it back safe. The snow keeps falling though, so maybe it's a good thing the timing for the HSG won't work out for March. Maybe the roads will be better in April?
I wanted to wait to update until I had actually gone to the appointment.
I didn't receive a call back from the doctor's office until the following Wednesday (I had originally called on a Friday). The person I talked to for that call seemed to be fairly nice and non-judgemental. We set up the appointment for a few weeks from that date and I was instructed that a packet of papers would be sent to me.
It wasn't until later that I realized that AF would be around on the appointment date. So, I ended up having to call back and reschedule it for another date.
About a week before my appointment, I realized my packet had never arrived. I ended up calling the office but it wasn't until a Friday afternoon (my appointment was the following Thursday). I asked about my packet not arriving and the lady said they had sent one on the 10th of January (this was about a month later that I was calling). We confirmed my address was correct and she said she'd send another one on Monday and hoped it would arrive in time.
The Thursday of my appointment rolled around and I still hadn't gotten the packet. I decided to check the mail before leaving, just in case, and there it was. So, I hurriedly filled it out as best I could before getting on the road. The clinic is only about an hour and a half away but, because of snow, I decided to leave at least three hours ahead of appointment time. The snow was really bad in town and I was worried how the highway would be. Fortunately, it was a lot less snowy out of town and I was able to make good time going over.
By the time I got to the clinic the wind had started to pick up and I could see that another winter storm was predicted to come in around 6:00pm. My appointment was supposed to be an hour long, starting at 2:30, so I figured I'd be nearly home by the time the storm hit.
Inside the clinic, I was surprised by how busy it was. I didn't actually end up seeing the doctor until sometime after 3:30. Though, with all the activity I could hear, it sounded like they were a bit short-staffed that day and even the doctor was spread thin dealing with multiple patients. It seemed like it was not a typical day, so I'm going to try not to hold that against them.
However, when I did finally see the doctor she was very nice and welcoming. She seemed very knowledgeable. I mainly wanted to know what the likelihood was of me having PCOS and endometriosis, as well as how to go forward with getting pregnant.
Based on my symptoms, she believes it is highly likely that I do have PCOS, though she wouldn't officially give me the diagnosis until she gets some test results back. We did an ultrasound which showed I had likely just ovulated (which matched with my BBT chart). One ovary seemed to have activity that indicated PCOS but the other (the ovulatory one) didn't. She saw something on the ovulatory ovary that, if not resolved later, might indicate a possibility of endometriosis, though it was likely related to the recent ovulation.
The good news is that I still ovulate, despite the PCOS. However, the doctor thinks my eggs are just not high quality enough by the time I ovulate, and that may be why I have not gotten pregnant. She said she would like to see me on metformin. She also believes I should take even more Vitamin D, though we are waiting on results from my Vitamin D blood test. I ended up having to get about seven vials of blood drawn for all the tests the doctor wanted.
She also wants me to get my blood drawn for CD3 hormone testing and I'm supposed to call on CD1 to schedule an HSG. She said she prefers to do the HSG at her clinic because apparently they don't do them often in my town and there have been horror stories of them being long and drawn out. She said she does them all the time, so it's better there. The HSG is one thing that is freaking me out because I've heard varying accounts of how painful it is, but I know it is important to see that the tubes are open. However, I don't think the timing will work this month as I suspect the dates for doing one will fall during a coworker's vacation and I cannot take off a whole day of work, or even a half day at that time.
She said that if I want to go through their clinic for cycles that they coordinate all the time with an ultrasound clinic that is in my town. The only difficulty, of course, is being able to get time off work, especially for specific days and times at short notice. I'm not exactly sure how that is going to work though I might only need to take a half-day when the roads are better.
Anyway, for now we are waiting on the results of my blood tests and CD1. Also, the possibility of endometriosis is not off the table but the doctor would like to hold off on any kind of exploratory surgery at this time. I am happy to hold off, though I worry about wasting more time and money if it is present.
Also, after waiting for the doctor, waiting for the ultrasound room, and waiting to get my blood drawn, it was after 6:00pm by the time I finally got out of there.
The wind had really picked up and it was absolutely nasty in the parking lot. When I went to leave, the snow was blowing so hard it was practically whiteout conditions. I could barely see the roadway or any other cars. I figured if it was like that on the interstate, I would pull over and get a hotel. Also, it was rapidly getting dark as the sun had pretty much set. However, by the time I got to the interstate, I could see that the road was just wet, not snowy or icy. It wasn't until I got to the two-lane highway that there started to be snow on the road. It was full dark by this time and the snowplows had not plowed the passing lanes so I'm afraid some people were stuck behind me until we made it into town. I'm so thankful it wasn't worse and that I made it back safe. The snow keeps falling though, so maybe it's a good thing the timing for the HSG won't work out for March. Maybe the roads will be better in April?
Monday, January 7, 2019
Of Anxiety and Appointment-making
There's nothing like going to the doctor to make you feel judged and like a hypochondriac, even when you have a completely legitimate reason for going.
Does that happen to anyone else? It may be my anxiety around doctor's offices but it feels like everyone from the receptionist, to the nurses, to the doctors, is judging me and secretly thinking I shouldn't be there. When I actually get to an appointment I have to try really hard to emphasize my concerns because my brain likes to take the easy way out and tries to convince me (and the doctors) that nothing is wrong.
So, there's only one RE in my state and their clinic is about 3.5 hours and hundreds of miles away. Fortunately, for everything (except IVF) they have a satellite clinic in a town that is only about 1.5 hours away.
In my family, there is a history of endometriosis and I have some, though not all, of the symptoms. I also have some, though not all, of the symptoms of PCOS.
I figured, rather than waste more money on sperm when there might be a problem, I should at least get checked out so I know if there's anything I'm up against. Also, many SMCs go straight to an RE before they try even one cycle. So, I figured, with two cycles under my belt and my concerns about possible fertility issues, it would be worth it to schedule an appointment. This way, I would also have a history with the clinic should I need to try IUI or IVF in the future.
I have never felt worse about being on this journey as a single person - and that was just scheduling the appointment (or not, but more on that later).
I don't think my state has a particularly high percentage of SMCs, so I'm not surprised if even the RE's office doesn't encounter this situation much, but I didn't realize it would make for such an awkward conversation when just trying to schedule an appointment. I could tell the receptionist didn't exactly know what to say and was kind of stumbling around on what to do with me. It seemed fine that I was asking for an appointment, rather than being referred by a doctor, so I don't think that was the problem. Is wanting to get your fertility evaluated when you're concerned about potential problems just not a thing that is done? Especially if you're single?
(ETA: This clinic's website specifically states that they deal with evaluating and taking steps to overcome fertility issues like PCOS and endo. They also deal with IUIs and fertility procedures, as well as high-risk pregnancies and other things in the realm of a regular OBGyn. So, I don't think my request to be evaluated is what the receptionist was stumbling over, though it's probably not a request that comes up often. Also, the receptionist wasn't mean but she did seem very flustered.)
It would be one thing if I had tried the old-fashioned way for two cycles and hadn't yet conceived - it would at least be free to try that way for six months to a year before getting checked out. But donor sperm is expensive, even when using just one vial per cycle. Trying for even six months is a major expense, especially when there might be a problem.
So, I tried to schedule an appointment. The receptionist told me she would pass on my info to the doctor's nurses who would then call me to schedule the actual appointment. I kept my phone on me all day Friday (something that is inconvenient for me to do at work) but never received a single call. I guess I'll have to keep my phone with me on Monday again as well.
I really hate making doctor's appointments, and I hate going to the doctor, so being in limbo about this appointment is so annoying and discouraging. At this point, anxiety brain has me hoping they forget to call me, but the rest of me recognizes that I do have a legitimate need to be checked out by a doctor, for peace of mind if for nothing else.
In other news, my donor is out of stock at the moment and I was not able to try in November or December.
Does that happen to anyone else? It may be my anxiety around doctor's offices but it feels like everyone from the receptionist, to the nurses, to the doctors, is judging me and secretly thinking I shouldn't be there. When I actually get to an appointment I have to try really hard to emphasize my concerns because my brain likes to take the easy way out and tries to convince me (and the doctors) that nothing is wrong.
So, there's only one RE in my state and their clinic is about 3.5 hours and hundreds of miles away. Fortunately, for everything (except IVF) they have a satellite clinic in a town that is only about 1.5 hours away.
In my family, there is a history of endometriosis and I have some, though not all, of the symptoms. I also have some, though not all, of the symptoms of PCOS.
I figured, rather than waste more money on sperm when there might be a problem, I should at least get checked out so I know if there's anything I'm up against. Also, many SMCs go straight to an RE before they try even one cycle. So, I figured, with two cycles under my belt and my concerns about possible fertility issues, it would be worth it to schedule an appointment. This way, I would also have a history with the clinic should I need to try IUI or IVF in the future.
I have never felt worse about being on this journey as a single person - and that was just scheduling the appointment (or not, but more on that later).
I don't think my state has a particularly high percentage of SMCs, so I'm not surprised if even the RE's office doesn't encounter this situation much, but I didn't realize it would make for such an awkward conversation when just trying to schedule an appointment. I could tell the receptionist didn't exactly know what to say and was kind of stumbling around on what to do with me. It seemed fine that I was asking for an appointment, rather than being referred by a doctor, so I don't think that was the problem. Is wanting to get your fertility evaluated when you're concerned about potential problems just not a thing that is done? Especially if you're single?
(ETA: This clinic's website specifically states that they deal with evaluating and taking steps to overcome fertility issues like PCOS and endo. They also deal with IUIs and fertility procedures, as well as high-risk pregnancies and other things in the realm of a regular OBGyn. So, I don't think my request to be evaluated is what the receptionist was stumbling over, though it's probably not a request that comes up often. Also, the receptionist wasn't mean but she did seem very flustered.)
It would be one thing if I had tried the old-fashioned way for two cycles and hadn't yet conceived - it would at least be free to try that way for six months to a year before getting checked out. But donor sperm is expensive, even when using just one vial per cycle. Trying for even six months is a major expense, especially when there might be a problem.
So, I tried to schedule an appointment. The receptionist told me she would pass on my info to the doctor's nurses who would then call me to schedule the actual appointment. I kept my phone on me all day Friday (something that is inconvenient for me to do at work) but never received a single call. I guess I'll have to keep my phone with me on Monday again as well.
I really hate making doctor's appointments, and I hate going to the doctor, so being in limbo about this appointment is so annoying and discouraging. At this point, anxiety brain has me hoping they forget to call me, but the rest of me recognizes that I do have a legitimate need to be checked out by a doctor, for peace of mind if for nothing else.
In other news, my donor is out of stock at the moment and I was not able to try in November or December.
Friday, November 9, 2018
The End of Cycle #2
My tests on 9DPO and 10DPO were both starkly negative.
I continued to chart my temp and it continued to fall steadily until 11DPO when it rose slightly. I started to get excited because it was also on 11DPO when my boobs started to really ache, much more so than they did in any recent cycle.
I had one HPT left, so I decide to save it in case AF didn't show up on time. But on 12DPO my temp dropped to just above coverline.
And today, on 13DPO, my temp dropped below coverline and AF made herself known.
Problem is, I'm not sure if I will be able to cycle in November OR December. Thanksgiving completely interferes with the time when I would need to order swimmers and have them shipped. Also, Thanksgiving week is an extremely busy and stressful time at work, which then kicks off the extremely stressful month of December.
And if my cycles continue in the current pattern, I am likely to ovulate sometime between Christmas and New Year's, give or take a few days. Another completely shitty time to try and coordinate shipping.
Back during my September cycle, I calculated forward and realized the holidays might end up interfering but I wanted to wait and see how that cycle and the possible October cycle played out.
During the hopeful part of this most recent 2WW, I started to formulate a plan for what I would do if this cycle didn't work. Now it's time to put that plan in action.....just, maybe not today. Today I have the sads.
I continued to chart my temp and it continued to fall steadily until 11DPO when it rose slightly. I started to get excited because it was also on 11DPO when my boobs started to really ache, much more so than they did in any recent cycle.
I had one HPT left, so I decide to save it in case AF didn't show up on time. But on 12DPO my temp dropped to just above coverline.
And today, on 13DPO, my temp dropped below coverline and AF made herself known.
Problem is, I'm not sure if I will be able to cycle in November OR December. Thanksgiving completely interferes with the time when I would need to order swimmers and have them shipped. Also, Thanksgiving week is an extremely busy and stressful time at work, which then kicks off the extremely stressful month of December.
And if my cycles continue in the current pattern, I am likely to ovulate sometime between Christmas and New Year's, give or take a few days. Another completely shitty time to try and coordinate shipping.
Back during my September cycle, I calculated forward and realized the holidays might end up interfering but I wanted to wait and see how that cycle and the possible October cycle played out.
During the hopeful part of this most recent 2WW, I started to formulate a plan for what I would do if this cycle didn't work. Now it's time to put that plan in action.....just, maybe not today. Today I have the sads.
Sunday, November 4, 2018
Cycle #2
I'm nearly at the end of the 2ww for this second cycle.
This time around the insemination was better in some ways and worse in others. After it was done, I thought there's no way this cycle will be successful. There are definitely some things I would do differently should I need to inseminate in the future.
Anyway, something could have implanted by now so I'm trying not to analyze and overanalyze every little twinge I feel.
For the most part, my symptoms are similar to average luteal phase symptoms. Mostly, I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter what I feel symptom-wise. The hpt will either be positive or negative and there's nothing I can do right now that will change that.
My temp dipped a little today but not enough to indicate impending AF. However, I did some research into temping and noticed that not all pregnancy cycles end up tri-phasic. So, rather than rely on temps alone, I think I will test for the fun of it until or unless AF does show up.
Testing starts tomorrow, even though my hpts are not terribly sensitive and might not pick up on anything for a few days.
This time around the insemination was better in some ways and worse in others. After it was done, I thought there's no way this cycle will be successful. There are definitely some things I would do differently should I need to inseminate in the future.
Anyway, something could have implanted by now so I'm trying not to analyze and overanalyze every little twinge I feel.
For the most part, my symptoms are similar to average luteal phase symptoms. Mostly, I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter what I feel symptom-wise. The hpt will either be positive or negative and there's nothing I can do right now that will change that.
My temp dipped a little today but not enough to indicate impending AF. However, I did some research into temping and noticed that not all pregnancy cycles end up tri-phasic. So, rather than rely on temps alone, I think I will test for the fun of it until or unless AF does show up.
Testing starts tomorrow, even though my hpts are not terribly sensitive and might not pick up on anything for a few days.
Monday, October 8, 2018
CD 1
My temperature dropped below coverline today and AF showed up - a day earlier than I was expecting.
I guess it's on to the next cycle.
I guess it's on to the next cycle.
Sunday, October 7, 2018
11 DPO
My temperature is still above coverline but it dropped appreciably this morning. Because of that, I didn't end up testing today, as I should probably save those HPTs for the next cycle.
Saturday, October 6, 2018
Longest Two Weeks in Recent Memory (& still not over)
(Meant to post this before midnight, oops. Consider it as written on the 5th.)
One minute I'm positive it worked, the next minute I'm sure it didn't. Welcome to the crazy part of my 2ww.
I was mostly chill/had my mind on other things last week, but this week I completely understand why the 2ww makes you go a little nuts. How can two weeks be so loooooong?
Confession: I did one non-serious test on 8dpo which, of course, was negative. I felt a little silly testing so early, but I kinda just wanted to get one test out of the way.
I only bought five HPTs to begin with, so I held off on testing today and will try again tomorrow.
So, I guess I'm in the stage now where I could be feeling either symptoms of pregnancy or symptoms of impending AF.
On to the symptoms (or lack thereof):
My boobs hurt, but that's normal for me during luteal phase. Plus, I read that they hurt 100x more than usual if pregnant and that's not happening right now.
I've been cramping - also normal for me during luteal phase, though it started a bit earlier than usual and it's been accompanied by low back pain (often normal when I have cramps).
I have a voracious appetite - normal.
I am moody - normal.
I've been having heartburn off and on - not normal.
The pain in my side, which I thought might be ovulation pain, lasted from the day before ovulation all the way through to yesterday, with twinges today.
Also, my temp dipped today after being high for the past two days, but it has not gone below the coverline. In fact, it is still well within normal range for this part of my cycle.
Otherwise, I feel fairly normal. I'm nowhere near as tired as I was in luteal phase last cycle. In fact, with these cramps, it almost feels like AF is going to show up early just to spite me. It wouldn't be the first time I've had a shorter than normal luteal phase (though it's usually within normal range).
But, as they say, it's not over until it's over, and AF has not shown up yet.
One minute I'm positive it worked, the next minute I'm sure it didn't. Welcome to the crazy part of my 2ww.
I was mostly chill/had my mind on other things last week, but this week I completely understand why the 2ww makes you go a little nuts. How can two weeks be so loooooong?
Confession: I did one non-serious test on 8dpo which, of course, was negative. I felt a little silly testing so early, but I kinda just wanted to get one test out of the way.
I only bought five HPTs to begin with, so I held off on testing today and will try again tomorrow.
So, I guess I'm in the stage now where I could be feeling either symptoms of pregnancy or symptoms of impending AF.
On to the symptoms (or lack thereof):
My boobs hurt, but that's normal for me during luteal phase. Plus, I read that they hurt 100x more than usual if pregnant and that's not happening right now.
I've been cramping - also normal for me during luteal phase, though it started a bit earlier than usual and it's been accompanied by low back pain (often normal when I have cramps).
I have a voracious appetite - normal.
I am moody - normal.
I've been having heartburn off and on - not normal.
The pain in my side, which I thought might be ovulation pain, lasted from the day before ovulation all the way through to yesterday, with twinges today.
Also, my temp dipped today after being high for the past two days, but it has not gone below the coverline. In fact, it is still well within normal range for this part of my cycle.
Otherwise, I feel fairly normal. I'm nowhere near as tired as I was in luteal phase last cycle. In fact, with these cramps, it almost feels like AF is going to show up early just to spite me. It wouldn't be the first time I've had a shorter than normal luteal phase (though it's usually within normal range).
But, as they say, it's not over until it's over, and AF has not shown up yet.
Sunday, September 30, 2018
Side B
- If you're wondering what happened with my crush, head to Side A -
It was not the hot delivery guy who brought the swimmers on Monday. It was just a random delivery person. :-(
A Comedy of Errors
For what it's worth, I did inseminate this week.
I started getting EWCM on Monday (CD17). I tested with an OPK in the afternoon and it was negative. Tested again around 7PM and both lines seemed to be the same color. According to the instructions, that is positive. But I knew from previous trials with these OPKs, that the line has popped up darker than the control about 24 hours prior to ovulation.
On CD18 (Tuesday) I was still getting EWCM. Took an OPK in the morning and the test didn't work correctly. It streaked and didn't even really show either a control line or a second line. Took one again in the afternoon and the second line came up much darker than the control.
I only ordered one vial this cycle, so my plan was to inseminate 12 hours after positive OPK.
I decided to trust the 2PM definite positive on CD18 and decided to do a 2AM insem on Wednesday (CD 19).
By the time I got everything ready to go, it actually ended up being a 3AM insem. First, the vial would not defrost. The instructions said it takes about 3-5 minutes for the initial frost to melt off. Ten minutes later, it was still not gone. I ended up brushing some of it away, and breathing hot air on it, hoping it would melt. Then I held the vial in my hand for about 15 minutes to bring it up to body temperature. When that was done, the contents seemed liquidy enough to put in the syringe, but it was hard to tell with the label around the vial.
When I went to open the syringe package, I accidentally knocked the open vial over, though I don't think any spilled out. Then there was too much in the vial for the 1ml syringe, so I sucked up as much as possible in the first go.
- Warning TMI ahead -
When I put the syringe in the first time, as soon as I pressed the plunger something immediately leaked. I'm not sure if it was the swimmers or the Pre.Seed I had put in previously. I then used the syringe to get the rest of the liquid remaining in the vial and nothing leaked when I put that last bit in.
I tried to lay with my hips propped up on two pillows, but I never felt like they were fully supported and it seemed like I kept slipping down. (How was that supposed to be hard? I thought propping myself up would be the easy part.)
Anyway, I stayed propped up as best I could and listened to music for about 20 minutes before trying to get some sleep. It was nearing 4AM by this time and I was exhausted.
Based on my BBT chart, it seems I ovulated sometime on Wednesday (CD19). So, I'm not sure if I was too late in the insem or right on target. I did have what felt like ovulation pains around 1PM on CD18, though I feel similar sensations in that same area as I type this.
Right now I'm glad it is too early to feel any symptoms. And even though it has been on my mind, I've been pretty chill about it. It probably helps that I've had other things to occupy my mind, especially the emotions related to asking my crush out.
It was not the hot delivery guy who brought the swimmers on Monday. It was just a random delivery person. :-(
A Comedy of Errors
For what it's worth, I did inseminate this week.
I started getting EWCM on Monday (CD17). I tested with an OPK in the afternoon and it was negative. Tested again around 7PM and both lines seemed to be the same color. According to the instructions, that is positive. But I knew from previous trials with these OPKs, that the line has popped up darker than the control about 24 hours prior to ovulation.
On CD18 (Tuesday) I was still getting EWCM. Took an OPK in the morning and the test didn't work correctly. It streaked and didn't even really show either a control line or a second line. Took one again in the afternoon and the second line came up much darker than the control.
I only ordered one vial this cycle, so my plan was to inseminate 12 hours after positive OPK.
I decided to trust the 2PM definite positive on CD18 and decided to do a 2AM insem on Wednesday (CD 19).
By the time I got everything ready to go, it actually ended up being a 3AM insem. First, the vial would not defrost. The instructions said it takes about 3-5 minutes for the initial frost to melt off. Ten minutes later, it was still not gone. I ended up brushing some of it away, and breathing hot air on it, hoping it would melt. Then I held the vial in my hand for about 15 minutes to bring it up to body temperature. When that was done, the contents seemed liquidy enough to put in the syringe, but it was hard to tell with the label around the vial.
When I went to open the syringe package, I accidentally knocked the open vial over, though I don't think any spilled out. Then there was too much in the vial for the 1ml syringe, so I sucked up as much as possible in the first go.
- Warning TMI ahead -
When I put the syringe in the first time, as soon as I pressed the plunger something immediately leaked. I'm not sure if it was the swimmers or the Pre.Seed I had put in previously. I then used the syringe to get the rest of the liquid remaining in the vial and nothing leaked when I put that last bit in.
I tried to lay with my hips propped up on two pillows, but I never felt like they were fully supported and it seemed like I kept slipping down. (How was that supposed to be hard? I thought propping myself up would be the easy part.)
Anyway, I stayed propped up as best I could and listened to music for about 20 minutes before trying to get some sleep. It was nearing 4AM by this time and I was exhausted.
Based on my BBT chart, it seems I ovulated sometime on Wednesday (CD19). So, I'm not sure if I was too late in the insem or right on target. I did have what felt like ovulation pains around 1PM on CD18, though I feel similar sensations in that same area as I type this.
Right now I'm glad it is too early to feel any symptoms. And even though it has been on my mind, I've been pretty chill about it. It probably helps that I've had other things to occupy my mind, especially the emotions related to asking my crush out.
Side A
- If you're more interested in the insem, feel free to skip to Side B -
Some Other Girl's Boyfriend
(as many times as this has happened to me, this should seriously be the title for my memoir or autobiography)
I was granted the perfect opportunity to ask my crush out on Tuesday, and I took advantage of it. I anticipated him saying no. I didn't entirely anticipate why. He never really seemed to flirt much with me and I never caught him checking me out. I wondered if he found me just plain unattractive or maybe he was gay? Nope. Turns out he's just a good, loyal guy.
When I asked him out, he immediately responded with "I'd like to, but I have a girlfriend".
I was a little surprised, as he had never mentioned a girlfriend in the roughly six months we had been interacting, but based on what he said and how he acted, I don't believe he was lying about the girlfriend as an excuse to reject me in a nice way. I truly believe he has one. (Granted, he could still find me unattractive and not want to date me, even if he was single) *
I don't know when he and his girlfriend started dating but he proceeded to tell me he'd been single for about three years (I assume immediately prior to getting together with her). Then he said he was flattered that I asked.
He isn't perfect, but he has so many qualities that I look for in a man. I've never found anyone else who even comes close. And I can't imagine I'll ever find anyone like him again. I stupidly allowed myself to hope that he was the 11th-hour answer to my prayers. A reward, so to speak, for dealing with nearly 20 years of constant dating failure and heartbreak, the reason it never worked out with anyone else, the one I'd been waiting my whole life for.........
In other words, I let my wildly romantic (some might say immature) heart hijack my logical, cautious, pessimistic brain and take it deep into fantasyland.
I thought getting rejected by him would help solidify my feelings about pursuing Path B. Now, my feelings are all a-jumble. I went for about two years without having a crush on any guy. I thought this meant I had set aside the Path A dream. But I guess I was lying to myself. Apparently it was always in the back of my mind as something that might still happen. Now, having it fully reawakened, only to have it snatched away again at the last minute, has opened up all the emotions and dreams that I thought I'd carefully packed away.
I knew giving up "the dream" would be hard. I did not expect it to be this hard. I'm not sure if that's because of my age now and how keenly I can feel any chance for Path A slipping away like the last sliver of sunset (therefore, I want to hold as tightly to it as I can). Or perhaps it's because I just don't think I have the strength to try again. Besides, if guys don't really see me or notice me now, I'm sure it's not going to get better with age. Therefore, I really have no hope for dating in the future.
Now, I find myself staring at an entire lifetime of loneliness stretched out before me. How can it be different? How can it ever change?
In any case, I still have feelings for him. He kind of feels like my last crush ever, and boy did I save the best for last.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* I hate that I even have to contemplate that he could have been lying about having a gf in order to let me down in a nice way, but that's the low level my self-esteem is at. Also, I've always thought if I wanted to reject a guy in a nice way, my canned answer would be "I'm sorry, but I have a boyfriend".
But why add the part about having been single three years? Why say "I'd like to, but...". He didn't seem like he was nervously rambling. He also seemed a little happy, like he was genuinely flattered. I'm really trying to think the best of him and not overanalyze (Ha!). But as I said, this is where my self-esteem is at.
** I will not act on my feelings, as I respect that he has a girlfriend and is off limits. However, I will be cordial as we still have to see each other, thanks to our jobs.
Some Other Girl's Boyfriend
(as many times as this has happened to me, this should seriously be the title for my memoir or autobiography)
I was granted the perfect opportunity to ask my crush out on Tuesday, and I took advantage of it. I anticipated him saying no. I didn't entirely anticipate why. He never really seemed to flirt much with me and I never caught him checking me out. I wondered if he found me just plain unattractive or maybe he was gay? Nope. Turns out he's just a good, loyal guy.
When I asked him out, he immediately responded with "I'd like to, but I have a girlfriend".
I was a little surprised, as he had never mentioned a girlfriend in the roughly six months we had been interacting, but based on what he said and how he acted, I don't believe he was lying about the girlfriend as an excuse to reject me in a nice way. I truly believe he has one. (Granted, he could still find me unattractive and not want to date me, even if he was single) *
I don't know when he and his girlfriend started dating but he proceeded to tell me he'd been single for about three years (I assume immediately prior to getting together with her). Then he said he was flattered that I asked.
He isn't perfect, but he has so many qualities that I look for in a man. I've never found anyone else who even comes close. And I can't imagine I'll ever find anyone like him again. I stupidly allowed myself to hope that he was the 11th-hour answer to my prayers. A reward, so to speak, for dealing with nearly 20 years of constant dating failure and heartbreak, the reason it never worked out with anyone else, the one I'd been waiting my whole life for.........
In other words, I let my wildly romantic (some might say immature) heart hijack my logical, cautious, pessimistic brain and take it deep into fantasyland.
I thought getting rejected by him would help solidify my feelings about pursuing Path B. Now, my feelings are all a-jumble. I went for about two years without having a crush on any guy. I thought this meant I had set aside the Path A dream. But I guess I was lying to myself. Apparently it was always in the back of my mind as something that might still happen. Now, having it fully reawakened, only to have it snatched away again at the last minute, has opened up all the emotions and dreams that I thought I'd carefully packed away.
I knew giving up "the dream" would be hard. I did not expect it to be this hard. I'm not sure if that's because of my age now and how keenly I can feel any chance for Path A slipping away like the last sliver of sunset (therefore, I want to hold as tightly to it as I can). Or perhaps it's because I just don't think I have the strength to try again. Besides, if guys don't really see me or notice me now, I'm sure it's not going to get better with age. Therefore, I really have no hope for dating in the future.
Now, I find myself staring at an entire lifetime of loneliness stretched out before me. How can it be different? How can it ever change?
In any case, I still have feelings for him. He kind of feels like my last crush ever, and boy did I save the best for last.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* I hate that I even have to contemplate that he could have been lying about having a gf in order to let me down in a nice way, but that's the low level my self-esteem is at. Also, I've always thought if I wanted to reject a guy in a nice way, my canned answer would be "I'm sorry, but I have a boyfriend".
But why add the part about having been single three years? Why say "I'd like to, but...". He didn't seem like he was nervously rambling. He also seemed a little happy, like he was genuinely flattered. I'm really trying to think the best of him and not overanalyze (Ha!). But as I said, this is where my self-esteem is at.
** I will not act on my feelings, as I respect that he has a girlfriend and is off limits. However, I will be cordial as we still have to see each other, thanks to our jobs.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
A Drive-by Update
Swimmers are expected to arrive on Monday (quite possibly
delivered by my super hot delivery guy).
I did not end up trying in August because I still had not
decided on a donor in time.
I am going to go nuclear and attempt to ask my crush out on
Tuesday. I’m not asking because I hope he’ll say yes, I actually expect he’ll
say no. I’m only asking so I can move forward onto Path B with no “what if?”
questions.
I’ve been getting fertile CM for a few days now but no EWCM.
So far this cycle, the OPKs have only given me a faint second line, nothing
even close to positive. My temps have stayed fairly low, except one where I ended up temping about an hour
later than normal.
Usually I ovulate between CD18 and CD23. Tuesday is CD18, so
I plan to continue the OPKs and temping, as well as pay attention to the CM and
see what happens. At my August cycle I didn’t ovulate until CD25 and I hope it
will not be that late this time.
I am equal parts excited, extremely nervous, and a little
numb (or in shock) that I’m finally at this point.
Sunday, August 5, 2018
A Flip of the Coin
About a week after my last post, I went through all my potential donors and finally narrowed it down to one. Once that happened, I got all excited and immediately ordered both the long profile and the baby pictures. I hoped these would help solidify my choice, but after ordering them, reading through the profile, and looking at the pictures, I couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed.
The long profile wasn't terrible, there were no scary things lurking in there (except maybe the celebrity they compared his looks to). So I'm not quite sure what's wrong, but he just doesn't feel right anymore.
Not that it matters, anyway, as this donor was supposed to have vials available in late June. However, I last checked about a week ago and he still did not have vials available.
I went back to my list, even widening my search to donors who have chosen to be anonymous/no contact, and I haven't found another one yet.
I have a few weeks before it will be go-time for the August cycle. Hopefully I can find somebody new by then.
The long profile wasn't terrible, there were no scary things lurking in there (except maybe the celebrity they compared his looks to). So I'm not quite sure what's wrong, but he just doesn't feel right anymore.
Not that it matters, anyway, as this donor was supposed to have vials available in late June. However, I last checked about a week ago and he still did not have vials available.
I went back to my list, even widening my search to donors who have chosen to be anonymous/no contact, and I haven't found another one yet.
I have a few weeks before it will be go-time for the August cycle. Hopefully I can find somebody new by then.
Sunday, July 1, 2018
In Search of a Few Good Men, Part 3
Time to narrow down the donors because I need to purchase really soon.
This is mostly just for fun, though any help you could provide would be greatly appreciated.
This is mostly just for fun, though any help you could provide would be greatly appreciated.
Also, two things I really want to know from those who have gone before me are - did you feel a "connection" with your donor? And did you ever want to know things you'll probably never know about the donor? (Like, does he share your hatred of cantaloupe or something like that?)
Because, honestly, none of
these donors give me that special "he's the one" feeling. There was one donor I was leaning toward who no longer has vials available and does not appear to be donating anymore. Otherwise, I don't know if I feel a disconnect because I
can't see how these guys look and act in person, if I'm just not feeling it
because none of them are, in fact, the "right" donor, or because I'm still a little hung-up on my crush.**
Having got that off my chest, let's proceed. I tried to distill the descriptions down to the most noteworthy aspects so as not to make what will be a long post even longer. Mostly they deal with looks, interests, and health history.
Having got that off my chest, let's proceed. I tried to distill the descriptions down to the most noteworthy aspects so as not to make what will be a long post even longer. Mostly they deal with looks, interests, and health history.
(Truth time – some of my likes/dislikes about these donors feel superficial. Some of it I would definitely forgive/forget if the guy were my husband. Then again, I'd know so much more about the guy if he were my husband, so I guess it's a trade-off. Also, since I’m
allowed to have a choice, and since I’m paying a pretty penny for the
opportunity to choose, I feel a little superficiality may be allowable.)
Starting with the donors that are currently available, in no
particular order:
- Donor 1 - The Lookalike
- This donor has thick, straight strawberry blond hair and beautiful green eyes (according to staff). His interests include running, football, and the outdoors.
- There is a history of lifestyle-related cancer and diabetes in his family and he’s had no reported pregnancies.
- Donor 2 - The Leftie
- With green eyes and straight, thick brown hair, this left-handed environmental engineering undergrad has many interests in common with me including pets, the outdoors, dancing, music, and tabletop gaming. He is also one of the few donors to have reported pregnancies.
- However, his vision is poor, he required orthodontia growing up, he tested as a carrier for four recessive genetic conditions – most worrisome being deafness as there is a family history of it on my side. There has also been early death and early strokes in his family.
- Donor 3 - Mr. Kittycat
- I’m a sucker for a guy who likes cats, and this brown-eyed, brown-haired donor has one! He also enjoys quiet things as well as music and football. Currently pursuing a degree in Accounting/Finance.
-
The most worrisome thing in his family health history is his mother’s uterine cancer in her 30’s. Otherwise he has poor vision and required orthodontia. Also, he’s had no reported pregnancies.
- Donor 4 - Mr. Military
- Sporting wavy dark brown hair and green eyes, this donor is outgoing and loves adventure and physical fitness. He didn’t require orthodontia growing up and currently needs no vision correction.
-
However, some of his other interests lead me to believe he wouldn’t be dating material if we met in person. He’s had no reported pregnancies, though his essay says he enjoys raising his own kids. There is a family history of cancer and diabetes and he has limited vials available (though he’s still donating to the program).
- Donor 5 - The Singer
-
According to staff this donor has a great singing voice. He also plays different instruments, likes radio, and his favorite sport is football. He currently has an Associates in Music. He enjoys puzzle games and reading. His essay makes him seem like someone I’d date. He also has wavy blond hair and blue eyes, required no orthodontia and needs no lenses to correct his vision.
-
Family health history shows instances of colon cancer on both sides, as well as Alzheimer’s, stroke, and Crohn’s disease. There are no reported pregnancies.
- Donor 6 - The Rock Climber
- Thick wavy dark blond hair and blue eyes complement this tall, thin rock climber. His vision requires no corrective lenses. He’s into athletics and holds an Associates degree. According to his essay, he is outgoing and seems like someone I could maybe date.
-
He required orthodontia growing up and his family health history includes heart disease, skin cancer on both sides of the family due to sun exposure, osteoarthritis, heart arrhythmia, and lifestyle-related Type II diabetes.
- Donor 7 - The Artist (not formerly known as Prince)
-
Interests line up with some of my own including drawing, reading, painting, and art. Staff impressions say this blond-haired, blue-eyed donor is smiley and good looking. He has no lenses for corrective vision and is ambidextrous. His essay seems like someone I’d date and he’s had reported pregnancies.
-
So far, he only has a high school education and he required orthodontia. Family member health history shows lung cancer (from smoking), heart attack, eczema, and osteoarthritis. He’s extremely limited in available vials and is not currently donating.
- Donor 8 - The Dancer
- This nursing student has thick curly brown hair and blue eyes. He tested negative for all recessive genetic disorders and wears no corrective lenses. He loves to dance, likes sports, and is learning to play the piano.
-
However, he did required orthodontia, has no reported pregnancies, and family health history includes heart problems, liver disease, and glaucoma.
- Donor 9 - The Swimmer
- Sporting thick, wavy dark brown hair and brown eyes this donor has no corrective lenses for vision and tested negative for recessive genetic disorders. He loves playing with his dog, swimming, cooking, and computer programming.
-
His family has a history of dementia, he required orthodontia, and so far has no reported pregnancies.
**A quick note on my crush – the status quo has not changed.
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