Side A

- If you're more interested in the insem, feel free to skip to Side B -

Some Other Girl's Boyfriend

(as many times as this has happened to me, this should seriously be the title for my memoir or autobiography)

I was granted the perfect opportunity to ask my crush out on Tuesday, and I took advantage of it. I anticipated him saying no. I didn't entirely anticipate why. He never really seemed to flirt much with me and I never caught him checking me out. I wondered if he found me just plain unattractive or maybe he was gay? Nope. Turns out he's just a good, loyal guy.

When I asked him out, he immediately responded with "I'd like to, but I have a girlfriend".

I was a little surprised, as he had never mentioned a girlfriend in the roughly six months we had been interacting, but based on what he said and how he acted, I don't believe he was lying about the girlfriend as an excuse to reject me in a nice way. I truly believe he has one. (Granted, he could still find me unattractive and not want to date me, even if he was single) *

I don't know when he and his girlfriend started dating but he proceeded to tell me he'd been single for about three years (I assume immediately prior to getting together with her). Then he said he was flattered that I asked.

He isn't perfect, but he has so many qualities that I look for in a man. I've never found anyone else who even comes close. And I can't imagine I'll ever find anyone like him again. I stupidly allowed myself to hope that he was the 11th-hour answer to my prayers. A reward, so to speak, for dealing with nearly 20 years of constant dating failure and heartbreak, the reason it never worked out with anyone else, the one I'd been waiting my whole life for.........

In other words, I let my wildly romantic (some might say immature) heart hijack my logical, cautious, pessimistic brain and take it deep into fantasyland.

I thought getting rejected by him would help solidify my feelings about pursuing Path B. Now, my feelings are all a-jumble. I went for about two years without having a crush on any guy. I thought this meant I had set aside the Path A dream. But I guess I was lying to myself. Apparently it was always in the back of my mind as something that might still happen. Now, having it fully reawakened, only to have it snatched away again at the last minute, has opened up all the emotions and dreams that I thought I'd carefully packed away.

I knew giving up "the dream" would be hard. I did not expect it to be this hard. I'm not sure if that's because of my age now and how keenly I can feel any chance for Path A slipping away like the last sliver of sunset (therefore, I want to hold as tightly to it as I can). Or perhaps it's because I just don't think I have the strength to try again. Besides, if guys don't really see me or notice me now, I'm sure it's not going to get better with age. Therefore, I really have no hope for dating in the future.

Now, I find myself staring at an entire lifetime of loneliness stretched out before me. How can it be different? How can it ever change?

In any case, I still have feelings for him. He kind of feels like my last crush ever, and boy did I save the best for last.**

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* I hate that I even have to contemplate that he could have been lying about having a gf in order to let me down in a nice way, but that's the low level my self-esteem is at. Also, I've always thought if I wanted to reject a guy in a nice way, my canned answer would be "I'm sorry, but I have a boyfriend". 

But why add the part about having been single three years? Why say "I'd like to, but...". He didn't seem like he was nervously rambling. He also seemed a little happy, like he was genuinely flattered. I'm really trying to think the best of him and not overanalyze (Ha!). But as I said, this is where my self-esteem is at.

** I will not act on my feelings, as I respect that he has a girlfriend and is off limits. However, I will be cordial as we still have to see each other, thanks to our jobs.