Money, Money, Money - What if? Part 9

Will I really be able to afford single parenthood?

"Money, money, money
Must be funny
In a rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In a rich man's world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world..."
- ABBA

Parenthood is not free. This should come as no surprise to just about everybody. And I know without even doing the math that there is no way I can afford it at my current wage. And every day that goes by I grow acutely more aware of how much closer I am to 30 and how much further from my dream. Because I draw my line at bringing children into this world when I know, before they are even created, that I can't afford them. So I am on the hunt for a way to make more money. A new job, a part-time job, a day at the races, something!

"So I must leave
I'll have to go
To Las Vegas or Monaco
And win a fortune in a game
My life would never be the same..."
- ABBA


As you can see, I've already been to Vegas. Beginner's luck on the blackjack tables netted me about $30.

Overwhelmed - What if? - Part 8

I think I have finally caught up on all the posts I missed when my computer was being fixed and first I must say my heart goes out to Shannon and Claire. Both of you ladies are so strong. I wish you both the best possible outcomes.


What will I do if I get overwhelmed?

I've been dreading writing this post because I have no good answer to this question. It's not even an easy question to pin down because what might be overwhelming on one day could be doable on another. The planner in me wants a solution at the ready for any problem that could come up. But I know that is impossible. I need to learn to roll with the punches a little more. Be a little more flexible in my plans and make the best of the time I have to get things done.
But sometimes I look at my life and I'm amazed how little I seem to accomplish in a day or a weekend. Even when I've devoted my time to crossing things off my list, somehow the mountain of things to do never shrinks. How am I possibly going to be able to add a baby to my life and get anything besides sleeping (ha!) and breathing done?? And maybe some eating thrown in there? How do you single ladies who already have kids fit in things like haircuts, banking, grocery shopping, shopping in general, household chores, doctors' visits, and all the other things that happen in life while still working full-time jobs?

I actually did a lot of thinking about this question over the past week as I wrenched, and cursed, and begged my key to release from the ignition when all I wanted to do was lock my car and go into work.
I thought what would I do if this happened and I had a screaming infant with me? It's my only car, what if my parents weren't around to loan me their truck or take my car into the shop to get fixed? It's not like I could strap an infant carrier onto a bicycle (which I don't have anyway). We don't even have any form of public transportation in my town.
What if I had to miss work to get my car repaired? I can't exactly afford to miss work, and with the boss and another employee on vacation it would have left one employee for the morning rush. What would I do if I needed to pick a sick child up from the babysitter/daycare/school? Heck, I couldn't even pick a child up from daycare at the end of my regular work hours because I couldn't get my car into drive.
These thoughts kept going through my mind on the day of Ignition Failure and I couldn't figure out what I would do if I didn't have my parents to turn to and that bothers me. Sometime between college and now I backslid a little in the independence department and I need to correct that. What would I do if I lived in a different town from them? What will I do when they're gone?
I would like to feel strong and mature and more like the adult that I am because how can I possibly be the parent to a child when sometimes I feel like a child myself? Does anyone else ever feel this way? And is parenting plus taking care of life's chores really as overwhelming as it seems? Or is it just as overwhelming but you figure it out as you go along anyway?

I'm Back!

Over a month since my last post and finally back to blogging!

So what has happened between then and now?

My Computer
Sometime near the end of July my computer ran into a nasty bug and I had to take it in to be cleaned and updated by the professionals. I almost lost all my files, but fortunately everything was recovered. I tried to check in on everyone from other computers a few times but I kept away from logging on since they were public computers. However, my computer is all better now and I'm excited to be back!

My car
Got my first flat tire in twelve years of driving. At least it was a slow leak and not a tire explosion. But I had to drive home with it flat (fortunately not a very long drive) and that shredded the inside of the tire so bad it couldn't be patched. I had to buy a brand new one instead. Then just when my tire troubles were over my car refused to shift out of park, and it refused to release the key from the ignition. Have I mentioned this car is only five years old?! Of course the part the mechanic needs to fix it is not in stock so I have to wait for that to come in now.

The Garage Sale
I had to watch my sister sell piles of her nearly new baby girl and baby boy clothes, as well as strollers and car seats for dirt cheap and I couldn't do a darn thing about it.

Well, I think that's it for now. I'm off to check out what the rest of you have been up to!

It's Such a Strong Word - What if? Part 7

What if my child tells me "I hate you"?

As Selkie commented in one of my previous posts, this is probably inevitable. I can just picture a child throwing this zinger out there in a fit of tween angst.

Since it's likely to happen at some point, what am I so worried about? I guess I'm worried about my own reaction. Will I be able to see past my own hurt and recognize it as the manifestation of teen or tween frustration that it (hopefully) is? Will I roll my eyes and pretend it didn't happen? Will I be sad or depressed? Will I cry?

I'll probably be wondering if my child really means it, if they'll ever forgive me for what I did or did not do that caused them to "hate" me.

But for right now I mostly wonder if I'm putting too much emphasis on something that I will just deal with, if or when it happens. No one can be the best mom ever all the time. No child is always happy. This is one of those things that isn't really preventable. The only thing I can do to prepare is toughen my hide a little and try to understand things from my child's point of view.

Donor vs. Dad, What if? - Part 6

What if my child resents not having a father?

What single mother by choice doesn't worry about this?

Will my future child be angry that I conceived them knowing there would be no father in their life? Will they feel as though something is missing, and will that feeling forever haunt them? What about those sappy Father's Day cards/commercials? How will they feel when they see other kids and dads interacting? Will they be envious of their friends who have dads? Will they fantasize about their donor as the perfect father? Will they be disappointed if he's not like they hoped?

My child's reaction to growing up without a father is something that I can't predict or necessarily control. My kid may feel fine about not having a dad, or may feel as though they have a hole that isn't adequately filled. Or they could embody each of these feelings at different phases in their life. And while I can't control things entirely there are some things I can do that will hopefully minimize the impact of not having a father.

1. I won't lie to my child about how they came to be. I will be open and honest and when they start asking questions I will try to answer them in an age-appropriate fashion. 
2. I plan to surround my child with positive male influences (right now I have my dad, my brother, my brother-in-law and my male friends).
3. I will do my level best to enrich my child's life and make it as fulfilling as possible.
4. I plan on using an open-identity anonymous donor. That way my child can have the option of contacting him if they want.

But, will these four things be enough? I'm afraid that only time will tell.

On a personal note...I don't know what it's like to grow up without a dad, but I do know what it's like to wonder about one genetic side of my family. My mother is adopted. We know nothing about her birth family. She could have 10 brothers or sisters or she could be the illegitimate daughter of royalty for all we know. Right now my mother is content not searching for her birth family, and unless someone comes forward it is unlikely we will ever know who my mysterious grandparents are. Some days I am really curious about them, and then there are long stretches of time where it doesn't even cross my mind. I wonder if this is how my child will feel?