It's Such a Strong Word - What if? Part 7

What if my child tells me "I hate you"?

As Selkie commented in one of my previous posts, this is probably inevitable. I can just picture a child throwing this zinger out there in a fit of tween angst.

Since it's likely to happen at some point, what am I so worried about? I guess I'm worried about my own reaction. Will I be able to see past my own hurt and recognize it as the manifestation of teen or tween frustration that it (hopefully) is? Will I roll my eyes and pretend it didn't happen? Will I be sad or depressed? Will I cry?

I'll probably be wondering if my child really means it, if they'll ever forgive me for what I did or did not do that caused them to "hate" me.

But for right now I mostly wonder if I'm putting too much emphasis on something that I will just deal with, if or when it happens. No one can be the best mom ever all the time. No child is always happy. This is one of those things that isn't really preventable. The only thing I can do to prepare is toughen my hide a little and try to understand things from my child's point of view.

Donor vs. Dad, What if? - Part 6

What if my child resents not having a father?

What single mother by choice doesn't worry about this?

Will my future child be angry that I conceived them knowing there would be no father in their life? Will they feel as though something is missing, and will that feeling forever haunt them? What about those sappy Father's Day cards/commercials? How will they feel when they see other kids and dads interacting? Will they be envious of their friends who have dads? Will they fantasize about their donor as the perfect father? Will they be disappointed if he's not like they hoped?

My child's reaction to growing up without a father is something that I can't predict or necessarily control. My kid may feel fine about not having a dad, or may feel as though they have a hole that isn't adequately filled. Or they could embody each of these feelings at different phases in their life. And while I can't control things entirely there are some things I can do that will hopefully minimize the impact of not having a father.

1. I won't lie to my child about how they came to be. I will be open and honest and when they start asking questions I will try to answer them in an age-appropriate fashion. 
2. I plan to surround my child with positive male influences (right now I have my dad, my brother, my brother-in-law and my male friends).
3. I will do my level best to enrich my child's life and make it as fulfilling as possible.
4. I plan on using an open-identity anonymous donor. That way my child can have the option of contacting him if they want.

But, will these four things be enough? I'm afraid that only time will tell.

On a personal note...I don't know what it's like to grow up without a dad, but I do know what it's like to wonder about one genetic side of my family. My mother is adopted. We know nothing about her birth family. She could have 10 brothers or sisters or she could be the illegitimate daughter of royalty for all we know. Right now my mother is content not searching for her birth family, and unless someone comes forward it is unlikely we will ever know who my mysterious grandparents are. Some days I am really curious about them, and then there are long stretches of time where it doesn't even cross my mind. I wonder if this is how my child will feel?

Red, White......and Blue

Taking a little break from the "what ifs".

Ice creams of years past

I'm a little bummed out this holiday weekend. Normally the 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays.
When my sister started hosting it four years ago she began what came to be known as the annual 4th of July Ice Cream Contest. Anyone who wanted to participate would bring a homemade ice cream (or two!), give it a creative name, and then everyone would taste test and we would all vote on a winner. Over the years we have had such memorable favorites as:

• Oink! (vanilla with chocolate covered bacon bits)
• Upside-down Apple Pie a la mode
• Murky Dismal - my prize-winner!!! (and if you've ever watched Rainbow Brite you'd understand why a grey ice cream would be called this)
• Labor-inducing Lemon (the jury is still out on whether this really induces labor, my sister ate it on the 4th and gave birth on the 7th, but she wasn't due until the 13th so who knows)

Then once everyone had their fill of ice cream the fireworks would be lit and we would sit back and enjoy the show.

Only this year there won't be an ice cream contest, or a huge party. There won't even be fireworks.
My sister's eldest son is busy with baseball all day tomorrow and since the 4th has fallen on a Monday my sister has elected not to have a party this year.
My parents are having a small barbeque but they live within the city limits so no fireworks are allowed at their house. We'll just have to watch everyone else's fireworks.

So, I'm a bit bummed out.

Then to top it all off I was making a batch of Murky Dismal so we could at least have some ice cream for the 4th and I didn't notice the blender part that holds the blade was cracked. The hot cream and milk mixture leaked out all over the counter, down the dishwasher, and puddled in a sticky mess on the floor. So, it was back to the store for more ingredients and a new blender part. Hopefully the new batch of Murky Dismal will freeze in time for tomorrow night.

Multiplication, What if - Part 5

What if I have multiples?



Courtesy of Google Images


Occasionally I find myself fantasizing about having twins. About picking out two names instead of one, having double the cute outfits, double the smiles, and double the love!

What doesn't enter into my fantasies are double the diapers, colic, teething, tantrums, lack of sleep, bills, and that I'd most likely have to have a C-section. Not to mention it would make breastfeeding more complicated, if not impossible. And the issues of having enough time and money would be multiplied.

No doubt about it, having twins as a single parent would be hard. I've seen the evidence on other blogs. Yet I would still feel blessed to be having a baby at all, let alone multiple babies.

But what would I, or could I, do to prepare for multiples?

Step one: Get over my loathing of hand-me-downs. I'm sure adding up the cost of all that baby gear and clothing (x2!) would help me get over this one fast!

Step two: Enlist the help of any friend or family member I could get my hands on. Something I would do with a single baby anyway, only I'd be more desperate insistent with twins.

Step three: Hold on tight and hope for the best. Obviously no one can predict how life with multiples will turn out. I'm sure I would be greeted by unpredictable hiccups and bumps in the road, but that is life.

And if I had triplets, or quads, or more?? Oh boy......can I cross that road if I come to it?



P.S. As per my previous post, my parents just found out their crib (a drop-side) has been banned, so I guess they'll be getting rid of that one anyway.

It's My Party - What if, Part 4

What if I'm the only one who is excited about my pregnancy/baby/children?

Probably one of the more selfish "what ifs" but it is something I think about.

I always thought if I had a husband I would at least have one other person to share with me in the excitement of having a baby. But as a single woman I know I will have to lead the happiness parade all on my own.
Still, I would like my family and friends to be excited about me having a baby. I want them to ask me questions about my pregnancy, and eagerly plan a baby shower, and excitedly await the baby's arrival. I know I will be ecstatic and it would be nice if the others shared my enthusiasm. But...
I remember when my sister was pregnant with her third child (my parents' fourth grandchild), my mother admitted to me that she wasn't as excited about it like she was for the others. She thought it might be because it had been done three times already and there was nothing new about it.
I'll admit my heart sunk a little after hearing that. If she wasn't very excited about the fourth one how would she feel about the fifth or sixth?

I also wonder if anyone will offer to throw me a baby shower or will I have to commit a faux pas and invite people myself ?(I don't think I have the audacity to actually do that)
And how will my parents feel about another grandchild to babysit?(if/when I need them to) The last nine years of babysitting have taken a toll and my parents are only getting older. Sure, they'd be fine with it every once in a while, but what if I need them more?(oh no, more what ifs....)
Also, my parents bought a lot of baby accessories (crib, car seats, toys, etc) so they could babysit their grandkids and now that the youngest is almost three they are starting to get rid of some of it. I can't exactly beg them to keep it since I don't want them to know of my plan, yet I don't know how they'll react if they find out they need to buy it all again. (I would love to be able to buy it or provide it for them but I can't predict my financial situation that far ahead)

So, here's my contingency plan: I will pepper everyone with my enthusiasm and hope it catches on. And if no one plans me a shower then I will go out and buy myself some baby things, make a cake, put on a party hat and relax. It will be Baby Shower - Party of one (and a half!)