Riding the Low

I keep meaning to work on my sewing project, which is really my only project with a deadline right now (other than schoolwork), but it seems to be the first thing shoved to the back burner. Instead I have been doing homework and studying, cooking and baking, reading and chores.

I realize I haven't updated on PBJ. Things were going fairly well. He gave me a really nice, really sweet card for my birthday. I went and saw his play, we talked a lot about where things stood between us.
I actually kind of started picturing the two of us together for real, thinking that perhaps I was being a little too picky and that maybe I should give him a chance in a real relationship. But then just like that he pulled a Jekyll & Hyde. It's not the first time he's done this. He goes from being a really great friend to someone I don't want to be around at all. When he gets in these moods he knows which buttons of mine to push and continues pushing them after I ask him to stop. The only solution seems to be putting as much distance between us as possible until his bad mood passes. Otherwise he will continue to push me until I snap, then he gets mad at me for snapping. It royally pisses me off.

Then he apologizes once his bad mood passes and we become friends again. I know that couples and friends get in fights all the time and if you care about each other you are there for each other through the good times and the bad. And I do care about him even when he gets in these moods. I just know the root cause of these fights will come up again and again and eat away at any relationship base we could create, and this is just one among a couple of major problems between us that tells me he and I would not be compatible as something officially more than friends. I'll just have to remind myself of that when he starts being really sweet again.

Anyway, he and I are fighting right now and it has me depressed.

In other news I officially committed myself to making dinner three nights of the week, as well as some desserts, side dishes, and baked goods. So far this week I made Lemon Zucchini Bread, Chocolate Caramel Bites, and a Broccoli Tuna Casserole. And I'm on tap to make Sweet & Sour Chicken and Pull-Apart Pizza Bread in the next couple days. Yum!

Another Long-Term Project - Food

Sometimes during my luteal phase when I know there's no chance I could be pregnant I play a game where I try to take note of all the symptoms I'm feeling. My hope is that maybe it will help me offset the craziness that I'm sure to experience when I'm in an actual 2ww. I have my doubts about that, but anyway during the most recent luteal phase (which was one of the strangest yet), I was noting symptoms as usual but I began to think a lot more about the food I was eating - wondering if it was something I could or should have if it were an actual 2ww. Suddenly those inorganic strawberries I was consuming seemed a lot less healthy and lot more pesticide-ridden.

This got me thinking of all things food-related and from there I realized three things - 1. I should probably bust a move on my recipe project 2. I have no idea how to tell if a homemade meal is healthy or not (beyond the basics of sugar = bad, veggies = good, etc.) and 3. When I actually am TTC I will be living on my own and therefore have complete control over groceries and meal planning.
I don't really feel I have time to research the second part right now, and obviously the third part will have to wait, but I can tackle the first part. So, onward to my recipe project.

Over the years I have acquired several cookbooks and two binders full of recipes torn from magazines, the newspaper, and printed from the internet.

My recipe binders

I had so many dessert recipes I ended up getting a separate binder just for them. These two binders are yet another project of mine and my ultimate goal is to whittle them down to just the recipes that I really look forward to making and eating.

Recipes binder on top, Desserts binder on bottom

I took these pictures a while ago and the Recipes binder is actually fatter now. Each page is double sided and many pages have more than one recipe on them. I've never bothered to count how many I have but I know I could easily make something new every day for a year and never repeat a recipe. Maybe even two years!
I've already done several recipes and thrown out the ones I didn't care for, but my binders never seem to get smaller! So I guess while I have a bit less school and a bit more time I am going to try making as many of these as possible. I do enjoy cooking and baking and I know my mother appreciates a break from the kitchen every once in a while, so I guess I will spend at least part of this summer slaving over a hot stove/oven/BBQ grill!

Summer the First

Nearly done with my first summer break - just a week and a half off between spring semester ending and the beginning of the one class I signed up to take over summer semester. Later I will get a slightly longer three week break when my summer class is over.

At least this class will only be one day a week, though I've heard it is very homework-intense which is why I am taking it by itself. I will also be doing a slightly more regular schedule at work this summer so hopefully I can save up to pay for fall semester.

Anyway, I've tried to pack a lot into this summer break. I've worked on one of my sewing projects (pictures to come in another post), went to a movie, did lots of cooking and baking, did some at-home "spa treatments", did some chores I've been putting off, read a lot, caught up on some TV shows, etc. It's been good and very relaxing. For once I have not dealt with the emotional flare-ups that usually accompany PMS, despite being very much in the PMS-zone right now. I have to think the relaxing has really helped with that.

The Be All and End All

Just wondering out loud.

Sometimes I worry about the pursuit of motherhood becoming the driving force in my life. And I worry for two reasons:

1. If I don't succeed
2. If I do.

I know which situation I would rather have happen. Obviously I would like to go on to have children, but sometimes I worry that if I do succeed I will no longer have such an excitement-inducing goal to look forward to.

I mean there are other things in life that excite me - travel, summer, the release of the next book in my favorite series, etc. And if I do succeed it's not as though I don't look forward to watching my kids grow up.

It's just that I am at the age now where I thought I would be beginning TTC and part of me thinks that even if everything were in order I would put it off just a little while longer. To delay that gratification just a little bit more, and keep the happy anticipation going (despite my very real fears of waiting too long).

And if I don't succeed I wonder if there is anything in life that can compare to this dream? Or will I feel that anything else I achieve is only second-best?

Celebrating Life

I've been busy celebrating my birthday today, and since time is nearly up to post for the week I will just share a quote that I hope to keep in mind and work on this year.