Starcrossed

In which I take a long time to get to the point of this post, which is actually about TTC plans.

After my friend K and I went to Ireland and Scotland a few years ago we tentatively agreed our next travel adventure would be to Australia and New Zealand. I knew it would be a while before either of us had enough spare change for such an expensive trip, so while the idea of going was always in the back of my mind I didn't give much weight to it. Over the last few years I went back to school and my friend bought a house, keeping both of us from saving as we would have liked.

Fast forward to a week ago. My friend texts me out of the blue saying we need to start planning our trip. Great! 2016 isn't as ideal for me as 2015 would have been, what with trying to start a business and all, but at least I could get the trip out of the way before beginning TTC. So we start talking and planning and come to find out my friend can't go in 2016, she just wants to start saving and paying for it now and the earliest times she can go are Summer 2017 or possibly her Winter break in 2017-2018. Since she's a teacher her school strongly discourages teachers from taking any time off during the school year.

If I factor in my current job, plus the seasonal business I want to start, the best times for me to go would be October/November or January - March. December is pretty much out for me because it is the busy season in my current job, which I expect I'll be keeping even as I run my own business. And summer is difficult because my business will only be run on Saturdays from May through September. Two to three Saturdays are a lot to miss when your business only runs one day per week, especially when it is a fledgling business.

But, since my business plans are up in the air (which is a topic for another post) I agreed that summer would be the best time to go. This brings me to my plans for TTC.

As per my last post, I was planning on beginning TTC in January of 2017. I had decided on January, not only because it is the start of the year, but because business-wise it would be best for me if my baby were born sometime between October and March when I wouldn't be running my business. And even though my business would only be open one day a week there are all kinds of other things I would need to take care of as the owner, and I can't imagine juggling all of it plus a newborn as a first-time mom.
Now, I realize pregnancies and babies don't always follow perfectly laid plans, but starting TTC in January would give me the most chances to conceive. The last chance for the year, while still following this plan, would be June of 2017 (or very early July). However, the trip wouldn't take place until mid-June of 2017 at the absolute earliest and would probably last through early July. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I've suffered from anxiety but I've never had what could be considered classic panic attack symptoms. Then I broke out the calendar and it sunk in that doing this trip in summer 2017 completely effs up my plans for TTC in 2017, and that January of 2018 would be the next best start date, a full TWO YEARS from now. Cue panic attack. I thought that waiting one year was bad enough, but the thought of waiting two full years, while a year from now I will still be in the same place I am now, is just unthinkable.

The way I see it, my choices are these:

1. Push TTC to 2018.
2. Continue with my plans and risk being pregnant on my trip.
3. Begin TTC after my trip in 2017 and risk giving birth right before or during the time my business is running again.
4. Put off plans of starting my business for three years. / Scrap my business plans all-together.
5. Push up plans of TTC to March or April of 2016 and if it worked then decide on taking a 5 or 6 month-old on the trip or leaving him/her for two to three weeks. (This is the least likely scenario for many reasons, not least of which is I don't think I could leave my baby for three weeks but the thought of a 5 or 6 month-old on two 15 hour flights is also scary - but it is an option).
6. Tell my friend I can't go, but not be able to tell her why, and risk not getting pregnant during the ideal window in 2017 and having it all be for nothing.

There is not one choice among these that I feel very good about. If anyone has any wisdom or advice please share, I would very much appreciate it.

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things..." *

Ever since the turning of the year I've had a strong feeling that it's time. The year is nearly over and the feeling has only gotten stronger, so after thinking it over for a while I have come up with a date to officially start TTC - January 2017!!!

That's only 13 months away, which often feels like a lifetime, but there are things I need to do between now and then which should hopefully keep me busy and help me prepare. I've even started crossing things off of my Prep for TTC to-do list already!

Why this date? Well, it's for a couple reasons. I should be moved into my own place by then, it gives me time to get some things done, gives me time to save more money as well as to plan, and I should have an idea of how my business fairs by then. Not only is January the start of a new year and a great time for new beginnings but if I start in January I will have about six tries before a due date would interfere too much with running my business (which is seasonal and will run from early May to late September with flexible dates on either end).

However, not to rain on my own parade, but although I am declaring January 2017 as my official start date there is still the possibility that the date could change for any number of reasons. The most likely one would be because of an issue with my business or work situation. But, barring no major complications, I have a good feeling about selecting January 2017 as my start date.

Let the preparation begin!!!



* "The Walrus and The Carpenter" by Lewis Carroll - This line of the poem (and only this line) gets stuck in my head all the time.

The More Things Change...

As you might have noticed I did end up changing my name on this blog, and that's not the only thing that has changed.

The most major thing is that my boyfriend and I broke up, or rather we went back to being just friends. It finally dawned on me that he was more interested in the chase than he was in the actual relationship, and that is possibly the explanation for why his attitude changed so much after we officially started dating. There are more issues at play in the break-up (I'm not going to pretend it was all his fault and that I was 100% the perfect girlfriend) but our lives are too enmeshed to make a clean break and I know we both still care for each other, so friends it is. We'll see how it goes.

In other news, I drive by the construction site for my future apartment every day to and from work. Construction started in July and things are really starting to take shape! Sadly, the projected finish date for the complex looks to be late Spring or early Summer of 2016. Still, I think it will be worth the wait, and if I don't exactly move out before my goal of May 2016, at least I will be moving out shortly after!

Speaking of Spring 2016, I hope to have the grand opening for my business around that time. I am both excited and extremely nervous. Things are moving a little slow right now as I have rethought the name about three times, which is holding up some of the necessary paperwork, but in the meantime I'm trying to work on anything else that I can do to get this thing launched.

However....the more things change the more they stay the same. After last year's epic costume I swore I was done with costume making, but another idea kept setting fire to my imagination until I found myself at the end of September suckered into creating it. And, like most of the costumes I've created, it ended up being more complicated than I ever thought it would be, resulting in me staying up until 3am two nights prior to my family's Halloween party, plus working on the costume during my lunch break at work, then rushing home the night of the party to do a few last minute, but very necessary things. I've never cut it so close to the wire trying to finish a costume, and while I love how it turned out, I was kind of disappointed by my family's ho-hum reaction and the fact that there were only about three of us dressed up out of the 10 of us at the party. :-(
Currently I have no ideas for next year so this year might well and truly be the last of my homemade Halloween costumes.

Anyway, the costume is my excuse, once again, for not blogging or reading blogs in a while. I need to catch up with all the many things I put off while doing the costume and then I need to come back here and do a couple more posts because there is so much more I need to talk about!

A Rose By Any Other Name

Guess what? The name I use on Blogger is not my real name. Surprised? Probably not, especially those who are friends with me on FB (I think only one of you is friends with me on there). Anyway, when I first started up this blog I chose the name because it represented my love for Ancient Egypt, and because that particular goddess was often considered the mother goddess. So I thought it was appropriate. Also, I've always thought the name was pretty.

Then it had to go and become an acronym for a group that has been popping up in the news a lot. And now the name seems synonymous with bad things and leaves me feeling vaguely uneasy whenever I post a comment on someone else's blog.

So, do I change the name (even if only by one letter)? Do I keep it? Does it really even matter one way or the other?

Love & Marriage, Part II

I've sat down to write this post several times over the last few weeks and never really been able to finish it, so maybe saying things as simply as possible is best. Here goes.

I'm worried that I will never get married if I become an SMC, and I believe I will always mourn the dream of marriage.

I would rather try to become an SMC, even if it means never marrying, than wait around hoping for the right guy, only to possibly lose both dreams or marry the wrong person out of desperation.

I hate feeling this way, but I'm starting to become bitter about romantic love and relationships. I used to be a hopeless romantic and now I just feel cynical. This feeling is something I really, really don't want to pass on to any future children.

I talked in my last post about my friend, W, who had gotten engaged. Two more engagements have taken place since I wrote that post!! That puts the total engagements among my small group of friends and family at five so far this year.

Finally, I feel very weird saying everything I've just said considering I have a boyfriend who has talked about marriage. Marrying him would seem like the answer to all my troubles, but I know it wouldn't be the right choice for me, or very fair to him. So it leaves me in a very difficult place, stuck in a combination of bitterness and guilt. Perhaps it's time my boyfriend and I have a serious discussion.