Of Anxiety and Appointment-making

There's nothing like going to the doctor to make you feel judged and like a hypochondriac, even when you have a completely legitimate reason for going.

Does that happen to anyone else? It may be my anxiety around doctor's offices but it feels like everyone from the receptionist, to the nurses, to the doctors, is judging me and secretly thinking I shouldn't be there. When I actually get to an appointment I have to try really hard to emphasize my concerns because my brain likes to take the easy way out and tries to convince me (and the doctors) that nothing is wrong.

So, there's only one RE in my state and their clinic is about 3.5 hours and hundreds of miles away. Fortunately, for everything (except IVF) they have a satellite clinic in a town that is only about 1.5 hours away.

In my family, there is a history of endometriosis and I have some, though not all, of the symptoms. I also have some, though not all, of the symptoms of PCOS.

I figured, rather than waste more money on sperm when there might be a problem, I should at least get checked out so I know if there's anything I'm up against. Also, many SMCs go straight to an RE before they try even one cycle. So, I figured, with two cycles under my belt and my concerns about possible fertility issues, it would be worth it to schedule an appointment. This way, I would also have a history with the clinic should I need to try IUI or IVF in the future.

I have never felt worse about being on this journey as a single person - and that was just scheduling the appointment (or not, but more on that later).

I don't think my state has a particularly high percentage of SMCs, so I'm not surprised if even the RE's office doesn't encounter this situation much, but I didn't realize it would make for such an awkward conversation when just trying to schedule an appointment. I could tell the receptionist didn't exactly know what to say and was kind of stumbling around on what to do with me. It seemed fine that I was asking for an appointment, rather than being referred by a doctor, so I don't think that was the problem. Is wanting to get your fertility evaluated when you're concerned about potential problems just not a thing that is done? Especially if you're single?

(ETA: This clinic's website specifically states that they deal with evaluating and taking steps to overcome fertility issues like PCOS and endo. They also deal with IUIs and fertility procedures, as well as high-risk pregnancies and other things in the realm of a regular OBGyn. So, I don't think my request to be evaluated is what the receptionist was stumbling over, though it's probably not a request that comes up often. Also, the receptionist wasn't mean but she did seem very flustered.)

It would be one thing if I had tried the old-fashioned way for two cycles and hadn't yet conceived - it would at least be free to try that way for six months to a year before getting checked out. But donor sperm is expensive, even when using just one vial per cycle. Trying for even six months is a major expense, especially when there might be a problem.

So, I tried to schedule an appointment. The receptionist told me she would pass on my info to the doctor's nurses who would then call me to schedule the actual appointment. I kept my phone on me all day Friday (something that is inconvenient for me to do at work) but never received a single call. I guess I'll have to keep my phone with me on Monday again as well.

I really hate making doctor's appointments, and I hate going to the doctor, so being in limbo about this appointment is so annoying and discouraging. At this point, anxiety brain has me hoping they forget to call me, but the rest of me recognizes that I do have a legitimate need to be checked out by a doctor, for peace of mind if for nothing else.

In other news, my donor is out of stock at the moment and I was not able to try in November or December.

The End of Cycle #2

My tests on 9DPO and 10DPO were both starkly negative.

I continued to chart my temp and it continued to fall steadily until 11DPO when it rose slightly. I started to get excited because it was also on 11DPO when my boobs started to really ache, much more so than they did in any recent cycle.

I had one HPT left, so I decide to save it in case AF didn't show up on time. But on 12DPO my temp dropped to just above coverline.

And today, on 13DPO, my temp dropped below coverline and AF made herself known.

Problem is, I'm not sure if I will be able to cycle in November OR December. Thanksgiving completely interferes with the time when I would need to order swimmers and have them shipped. Also, Thanksgiving week is an extremely busy and stressful time at work, which then kicks off the extremely stressful month of December.

And if my cycles continue in the current pattern, I am likely to ovulate sometime between Christmas and New Year's, give or take a few days. Another completely shitty time to try and coordinate shipping.

Back during my September cycle, I calculated forward and realized the holidays might end up interfering but I wanted to wait and see how that cycle and the possible October cycle played out.

During the hopeful part of this most recent 2WW, I started to formulate a plan for what I would do if this cycle didn't work. Now it's time to put that plan in action.....just, maybe not today. Today I have the sads.

Cycle #2

I'm nearly at the end of the 2ww for this second cycle.

This time around the insemination was better in some ways and worse in others. After it was done, I thought there's no way this cycle will be successful. There are definitely some things I would do differently should I need to inseminate in the future.

Anyway, something could have implanted by now so I'm trying not to analyze and overanalyze every little twinge I feel.
For the most part, my symptoms are similar to average luteal phase symptoms. Mostly, I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter what I feel symptom-wise. The hpt will either be positive or negative and there's nothing I can do right now that will change that.

My temp dipped a little today but not enough to indicate impending AF. However, I did some research into temping and noticed that not all pregnancy cycles end up tri-phasic. So, rather than rely on temps alone, I think I will test for the fun of it until or unless AF does show up.

Testing starts tomorrow, even though my hpts are not terribly sensitive and might not pick up on anything for a few days.

CD 1

My temperature dropped below coverline today and AF showed up - a day earlier than I was expecting.

I guess it's on to the next cycle.

11 DPO

My temperature is still above coverline but it dropped appreciably this morning. Because of that, I didn't end up testing today, as I should probably save those HPTs for the next cycle.