The Be All and End All

Just wondering out loud.

Sometimes I worry about the pursuit of motherhood becoming the driving force in my life. And I worry for two reasons:

1. If I don't succeed
2. If I do.

I know which situation I would rather have happen. Obviously I would like to go on to have children, but sometimes I worry that if I do succeed I will no longer have such an excitement-inducing goal to look forward to.

I mean there are other things in life that excite me - travel, summer, the release of the next book in my favorite series, etc. And if I do succeed it's not as though I don't look forward to watching my kids grow up.

It's just that I am at the age now where I thought I would be beginning TTC and part of me thinks that even if everything were in order I would put it off just a little while longer. To delay that gratification just a little bit more, and keep the happy anticipation going (despite my very real fears of waiting too long).

And if I don't succeed I wonder if there is anything in life that can compare to this dream? Or will I feel that anything else I achieve is only second-best?

Celebrating Life

I've been busy celebrating my birthday today, and since time is nearly up to post for the week I will just share a quote that I hope to keep in mind and work on this year.

Timeline to TTC, Take 2

Or, more accurately I guess this is Take 3, since my original plan was to start at age 30, then it got pushed back to 33+, now there's a chance it could be moved forward or backward depending on different things.

Anyway, a few posts back I talked about my prospective TTC timeline - finishing a Bachelors in my current field, which would take about three more years, then finding a job, then beginning TTC.

My original plan had been to take the credits I am earning at my current school and transfer them to an affiliated university to finish out the degree. However, my adviser informed me that most of the classes I have taken will no longer transfer as the other school has recently undergone some changes in accreditation and if I want to go there I will have to apply to start next spring and basically be starting at the bottom again. So that plan is out.

This leaves me two options within the same degree. There is another school that my classes will transfer to which offers a Bachelors program through night classes at my current school. Downside - it takes an extra year to finish the degree unless I want to commute an hour both ways to take day classes at the other school. Upside - I can work during the day if I take the night classes.

My other option is to get the Associates and try to find a job with that (I could always decide to go for the Bachelors later or at a slower pace). Apparently the school's department head works with the state to place students in state jobs. Upside - I'd be done with school in about a year. Downside - the pay rate can vary greatly without a Bachelors.

All that to say the timeline to TTC could now be as short as a year and a half! Or as long as 4+ years. :(

So, it's still not a concrete plan and it will likely change again but there's not much I can do about that at the moment.

Happy Easter!

A Little of This, A Little of That

• My friend and I have agreed that some time apart to think may be best. I've told him I want to remain his friend as I really can't imagine not having him as a friend, but that I'm just not sure about anything more serious. We've agreed to meet back up in two weeks at a play that I have tickets to and which he'll be performing in.

• In other news, I saved myself from having to take College Algebra next semester. My new adviser was convinced the college math class I took for my Bachelors wouldn't count, but I pushed her to ask the department head who said that my credits from the other math class definitely would transfer. Yay! I dodged a bullet on that one as I haven't taken a math class in about ten years and I'd probably be hopelessly lost in College Algebra.

• Also, my timeline to TTC may be changing again. Could be shortening, could be lengthening. I'll have to explain in more detail in another post.

• Life is busy, busy right now. All the end of semester projects are coming due along with regular homework so I've had to put my crafting on hold for a while. I can't wait until this semester is over, then I'll have an entire week-long break before the summer session begins.

Edited to add: This is officially my 100th post!

It's Complicated

This may seem to come out of left field for this blog, but up until recently I thought I had a handle on where things stood between me and this person, and I had concluded that becoming a SMC was still my most likely option. Therefore it seemed moot to talk much about him here.

Now he's thrown a wrench in things and suddenly my life has become a soap opera.

I know I've mentioned my friend PBJ on here before but I don't believe I've ever said what PBJ stands for - Pseudo-Boyfriend J. I call him that because he and I have been really good friends for years and many people have mistaken us for boyfriend and girlfriend. We haven't always corrected them.

Despite being great friends, even on occasion straying into being more than friends, I always felt deep down that getting serious with him to the point of marriage was not a good idea. There are some things that you can tolerate in friendship (or even a non-serious relationship) that can be difficult, if not deal-breaking, when it comes to legally binding yourselves together. And with PBJ there are a few of those deal-breakers.

We have always been very open and honest with each other, even encouraging each other in our efforts to find boyfriends/girlfriends, and I thought we were on the same page. However, over the past few months things have been different with him and now I know why.

He is the only person in real life that I've shared my SMC plans with and his reaction was not what I had hoped. He was not supportive at all. At the time he expressed concerns about overpopulation, as well as implying that it was a very selfish idea. We eventually agreed to disagree, and I've been careful to not bring up the subject around him again. But now I know the real reason he was upset about my plans. He confessed that he has feelings for me, very serious feelings, and it turns out he doesn't want me having a stranger's babies, he wants me to have his babies.

The possibility of a relationship with one of my best male friends leading to marriage and kids seems like a dream come true, right? Wrong, because many issues surrounding marriage and kids are exactly where he and I run smack into those deal-breakers. I know this because I've actually thought about the idea of marriage and kids with him before, I've just always come to the same conclusion - it wouldn't work. And besides, I assumed his feelings about our friendship were the same as mine.

So, I don't really know what to do. He and I have been talking through things since he confessed and it is hard.

I find it sadly ironic this should come after a post about trying to be a better friend as I've clearly screwed this friendship up.