It's Complicated

This may seem to come out of left field for this blog, but up until recently I thought I had a handle on where things stood between me and this person, and I had concluded that becoming a SMC was still my most likely option. Therefore it seemed moot to talk much about him here.

Now he's thrown a wrench in things and suddenly my life has become a soap opera.

I know I've mentioned my friend PBJ on here before but I don't believe I've ever said what PBJ stands for - Pseudo-Boyfriend J. I call him that because he and I have been really good friends for years and many people have mistaken us for boyfriend and girlfriend. We haven't always corrected them.

Despite being great friends, even on occasion straying into being more than friends, I always felt deep down that getting serious with him to the point of marriage was not a good idea. There are some things that you can tolerate in friendship (or even a non-serious relationship) that can be difficult, if not deal-breaking, when it comes to legally binding yourselves together. And with PBJ there are a few of those deal-breakers.

We have always been very open and honest with each other, even encouraging each other in our efforts to find boyfriends/girlfriends, and I thought we were on the same page. However, over the past few months things have been different with him and now I know why.

He is the only person in real life that I've shared my SMC plans with and his reaction was not what I had hoped. He was not supportive at all. At the time he expressed concerns about overpopulation, as well as implying that it was a very selfish idea. We eventually agreed to disagree, and I've been careful to not bring up the subject around him again. But now I know the real reason he was upset about my plans. He confessed that he has feelings for me, very serious feelings, and it turns out he doesn't want me having a stranger's babies, he wants me to have his babies.

The possibility of a relationship with one of my best male friends leading to marriage and kids seems like a dream come true, right? Wrong, because many issues surrounding marriage and kids are exactly where he and I run smack into those deal-breakers. I know this because I've actually thought about the idea of marriage and kids with him before, I've just always come to the same conclusion - it wouldn't work. And besides, I assumed his feelings about our friendship were the same as mine.

So, I don't really know what to do. He and I have been talking through things since he confessed and it is hard.

I find it sadly ironic this should come after a post about trying to be a better friend as I've clearly screwed this friendship up.