How I Know That Having a Baby is What I Really Want

I was thinking the other day about how much easier my life would be if I just gave up on the dream of having a baby.

I could go to graduate school, or get another bachelor's degree, or pursue any degree I wanted because it wouldn't matter how long it took me to finish. I wouldn't be a slave to my biological clock. And it wouldn't matter how much money it cost, or whether I could reasonably be guaranteed a job that would pay a decent amount. I would only have myself to provide for.

I could get a job that involved heavy lifting or weird hours. I wouldn't have to think in terms of future pregnancy or parenting.

I could get a one-bedroom or even studio apartment and I wouldn't even need a yard. I would only need room for me.

I could move to any city, state, or country I wanted. I wouldn't need to stay near my family for support.

I could use any money I saved for things like traveling, or buying land and getting some horses like I still occasionally dream of. I wouldn't need the money for doctor visits, medication, or treatments. I wouldn't need the money for daycare or a nanny or any other large expenses that come with children.

I could make travel plans for years in the future. I wouldn't need to plan around potential TTC, pregnancy, or baby.

I could stop worrying about whether I ovulate, or if I'm fertile at all.


Yet, despite all these possibilities, I cannot fathom giving up - especially before I've even tried. It's the dream I've had for longer than I can remember and it shapes so much of who I see myself as being.

It fills my daydreams and my thoughts and my imagination. It motivates me to keep working towards the goals I need to accomplish before I can finally turn all my energy to this dream.

And though any of the possibilities I mentioned might make my life easier in the short-term, all of them combined couldn't fill the void that would be left if I tucked my dreams of baby away with the other dreams that will never be fulfilled.

Determination and Denial

My birthday yesterday was nice. I went to dinner with my parents then we had some of the peanut butter chocolate pie that I made and watched a movie. Later today we celebrate with the rest of the family.

I think I'm in denial about turning 29, I still feel as if I should be somewhere around age 25. I think it's because there are so many things I wanted to do that I haven't done yet so it feels like I'm aging too quickly. Other people, (friends, family, normal people) have accomplished so much by this age and I guess I haven't really hit any of the normal adult "milestones" yet, like getting a place of my own, getting married, and having kids, so I don't really feel much like an adult much less an adult who is a year away from turning 30.

But I am determined not to waste this year. I'm going to make the most of 29 and do the things I want to do and work harder than before to meet the goals I have set out to achieve. First step: conquering my fears.

The American Dream

Side Note: I forgot to add in my last post that I feel I did the right thing in quitting that last job. It may not be the right thing for my wallet or my resume but it was the right thing for me. I even had a nightmare (and I hardly ever have nightmares) about being required to go back to work there. I also learned that one of the coworkers that I started with in March quit about a week and a half after I did for similar reasons. So that helps knowing I wasn't alone in my feelings about the job.

(For the purposes of this post I'm going to assume the American Dream is owning your own home. Also, I have tried to simplify this post as much as possible but this topic is something I have thought about a lot over the last few years and there are so many different aspects that go into it and keep changing things up, such as the housing market, my own financial situation, my ability to afford a baby on top of everything else, not to mention my own feelings about future career paths that this will probably get revisited as my circumstances change.)

Now, onto the topic of the post......

I think I may have to give up on the American Dream. Between the push and pull of all my life goals versus my goal of having a baby; baby always wins. Yet, I wanted a home of my own, not just for myself, but for baby too. Yet again, if I can't afford my own home until I'm too old to have a baby then my dreams of home will have to go. So what am I left with?

As far as I'm concerned trying to have a baby while living with my parents is an option that is completely off the table. I know some of the blogs I follow are doing exactly that and I am very jealous. However, I know there is no way I can even mention having a baby on my own until after I'm pregnant and it's too late for my family to try and talk me out of it. Besides, I need my space and I want my independence (even if I only get "me time" for the 9 months it takes to grow a baby).

So, this leaves me with three options.

1. Continue to try for a house.
2. Try to get a job that will allow me to afford an apartment.
3. Get a job and then room with my friend/former coworker.

1. A Home of My Own
  As far as I can tell there are three main things a person needs to get a mortgage. They must:

1. Earn enough per month to afford a mortgage and then some
2. Have money for a down payment, at least 10% and preferably 20% (though there are FHA loans)
3. Have a good credit score

 Number 3 is fine so far, it's the other two I'm having trouble with.
 Not to mention the housing market in my city has recently gone from slim to none for choices in my "price range".

Pros:

• Possibly have a yard for a garden, place for kids and pets to run around
• An investment
• Could decorate/change how I like
• More likely to have the number of beds & bathrooms that I want
• My own laundry
• Possibly have a garage
• My own space

Cons:

• Large upfront cost
• Need at least a year's worth of pay stubs showing a high enough income to qualify
• Likely need more college education to get on the right career path towards qualifying
• Might take so long to get a high enough paycheck, enough pay stubs, enough money for a down payment, as well as save enough for fertility treatments that it will be much harder to conceive by the time all that is achieved
• Repairs/maintenance could be expensive
• Would have to sell if moving
• Yard maintainence
• Would have to be able to afford on my own even if I got a roommate
• Might be difficult to sell if I need to

2. An Apartment of My Own

Pros:

• Don't need to wait a year to qualify after getting a job
• Landlord to handle repairs/maintenance
• Easier to leave if I need to move
• My own space

Cons:

• Don't get to decorate/personalize much
• Can't choose layout or appliances
• Nearly the price of a mortgage
• Rent can always go up
• Might be forced out if landlord wants to sell
• Possible noisy neighbors (or with a baby I could be the hated noisy neighbor)
• Not likely to have a garage
• Might have shared laundry
• Have to pay more for pets or pets not allowed
• No yard

3. An Apartment With My Friend
I have a friend and former coworker who needs a roommate. Even working two jobs he is having some trouble affording his rent. We get along well most of the time and it could work out great for both of us once I get a job again.

Pros:

• Most of the pros for own apartment
• More affordable
• Safer
• Pets (5 kitties!)

Cons:

• Most of the cons for own apartment
• Not my own space, at least not entirely
• Roommate can be a bit messy and keeps weird hours
• Worry about place not getting locked when gone
• Don't like the layout of his current apartment
• Too many pets for small space??
• No room for baby? would at least need to move before a baby was mobile as placement of stairs is a major hazard

There are other options, such as getting an apartment as soon as I can afford one then buying a house later but I'm afraid if I throw money towards a monthly rent payment, not to mention other expenses, I won't be in a position to save enough for a down payment.


Ugh, perhaps I should just concentrate on getting a job first.

Updates

I have a couple of different topics floating around my head so this will have to be a bullet post.

• My work situation is kind of odd right now. I signed on with a temp agency and was able to get a job through them that is expected to go through sometime in June. However, after one week of work all of us temporary employees were given a "spring break" until the mail picks up again and we have more work to do. They thought it might be a break of about a week but it will be two weeks tomorrow since I have been on break. I'm really hoping they call again soon so I can get back to working.
• As for my old job, my boss has been out of town for most of March and April, with the exception of a few days. I haven't talked to her personally but I know business has been slow and I don't think she is in a situation right now where she can support four full-time employees. She did relate to me, through my friend that still works there, that I can come in a couple evenings a week and help my friend with certain projects and that she will pay me for that, so that is nice - every little bit helps!
• Other than these two situations my career future is still a giant question mark. At times I feel as if I've been given a chance to start over and I could go back to school for anything I want. I could go to graduate school like I wanted or I could go to school for something boring useful, haha! I could start my own business but it scares me to dip into my savings for start-up capital on something that might not pan out. Then again more schooling might not land me the kind of job I want either, so it's really a gamble either way.
• One good outcome of being on "spring break" - I finished my scrapbook!!! Also, I have decided that I will not be scrapbooking the trip I took last year as scrapbooking takes too much of my time, money, and creative energy. Plus, while I enjoy the finished product I really don't enjoy the process all that much so that is that. All of those supplies are in storage now waiting (hopefully) for the day when I can perhaps create a pregnancy scrapbook (something that sounds appealing now, but we will see if I have the energy for it when the time comes).

Now I just need to catch up more on my blog reading and commenting. I hope you all are doing great!

A Series of Unfortunate Decisions

On Monday I quit my job. But let me back up a bit.

Last Wednesday my supervisor pulled me aside. She was concerned I wasn't getting the hang of the phones as fast as the other newbies. She asked if there was anything she or anyone could do to help. She implied if I didn't improve in a timely manner they might have to let me go. She asked me to think about things.

On Thursday we met again. She said they were willing to continue having someone sit with me for a while. She said she believed I could do it. I, however, couldn't get what she said on Wednesday out of my head. The damage was done to my already shaky confidence.

I powered through Friday as best I could but by the end of the day my mind was pretty well made up.

Over the weekend I should have thought about things more. I should have done my research into the local job market. I should have researched bookkeeping jobs more, especially what is offered around my state. I should have gone back through my earlier graduate school research again (as this seems to be what my mind naturally reverts back to). I should have thought more about what the job offered. I should have truly sat down and tried to learn what I'd been taught. I should have started the computer program instruction book I thought of on Sunday. Instead I watched t.v. and worked on my scrapbook. I did anything to keep the job out of my mind.

On Monday I quit.

Since then I have researched the job market. I have researched the potential of bookkeeping and graduate school (again). And I don't like what I see. 

I drove around to three businesses to give them resumes and drove past without stopping. I sent in an online application for a part-time job. I sent in an application for a temp agency. I'm supposed to mail in another resume tomorrow and visit another temp agency. But the market is dead here and all I can think about is how most of the jobs offered are $4.00 less than what I was just making, and most are part-time without benefits. Nothing feels right.

The job I worked right before the new one has hired someone else and really can't afford to hire me back, even at the low wage I had there.

I have half a mind to call up my supervisor and ask her to give me another chance. It's not like I have anything to lose, right? I know I could grit my teeth and bear it this time.

I remember at my old job how I dreamed of having some extended time off to get some major projects done. Just a few weeks or months dedicated to checking things off my long list of things to do. Now I am faced with all the time in the world to get these things done and I can't bring myself to do them. It feels like cheating to take advantage of this time off.

Be careful what you wish for...it just might come true.