The Eternal Optimist?

Anybody else do this? Whenever I see a guy who is my type, or close to it, and we have at least one thing in common my mind runs away with me and I start to picture how our future together could play out. Little vignettes of me introducing him to my friends and family, of us falling in love begin popping into my head.

It seems to be an instantaneous reaction that most assuredly comes from my heart and not my brain because one thing I've learned over the years is that my heart lives in a candy-coated world of rainbows and unicorns where maybe, just maybe wishing hard enough will bring true love.

It took me many years, and a couple embarrassing instances of one-sided "love" to finally separate my brain from my heart. Now when my heart begins it's little song and dance the rest of me just laughs and gets on with reality.

A Look Inside

How come I can think of great blog posts when I am away from my computer but when I sit down to write them I can no longer remember what I wanted to talk about? I think this is a sign I should blog more often.

I had my first date with an ultrasound machine at the beginning of November. I had my annual visit with the gyno and I told her about some lingering pain I'd been having in my left side. When she did my exam she seemed to think the left felt different and I agreed that it was more sensitive than usual so she ordered up an ultrasound for the next day.
Apparently my gyno's office doesn't do ultrasounds in-house, they send people to another office located across the street (and by across the street I mean you have to go way to the opposite side of the hospital and then cross the street). Is it common for ob/gyn offices to be separated from ultrasounds places like that, or is mine just special because I live in a small town?
Anyway, I was instructed to drink 32oz of water one hour before the appointment. Wow! Driving across town, parking, signing in, filling out new patient paperwork, waiting for the ultrasound tech, and then climbing up on the exam table with a VERY full bladder is no joke. Thankfully I was allowed to go to the bathroom before the internal ultrasound began.
The way this ultrasound place is set up is very nice. It was modern yet homey and more inviting and warm than clinical. There were comfortable benches set up in the exam room (I assume for the exciting ultrasounds when extra family comes), there was a nice-sized t.v. screen set up right across from where I was laying so I could watch everything, and there was even bonus mood lighting! ;)
I was nervous about the internal but it wasn't bad at all. The ultrasound tech was nice, she asked if I had any kiddos and when I answered no she didn't ask any more questions which was fine by me because I was too fascinated by what was on the screen!
It was very interesting to get a glimpse inside and try to figure out what was what. It was also kind of reassuring in a weird way. I mean, I get a monthly reminder that there is a uterus and ovaries in there but actually seeing them on the screen kind of brought them to life on a whole different level. Is that crazy? Also, judging by my reaction to this ultrasound, I can already picture the waterworks that will happen when the ultrasound is of a baby (hopefully tears of joy).
On the good side the ultrasound showed nothing on the left that would cause my pain and it showed a lining with a normal thickness and a follicle (or ovulatory cyst) on the right. On the not-bad-but-maybe-concerning side there was a small polyp detected.
As for my pain, my doctor thought it could be digestive or ovulatory. I guess I'll monitor it and seek further diagnosis if it continues.

Sneaking a Little Free Time

Just a few days after my last post life got a little hectic with school, work, and family parties. Then I got sick twice in two weeks. All of this added together meant I had to limit my computer use to school-related things only or I'd never get my essays and homework done in time (master procrastinator here) and that means I haven't read any blogs in that time.
So, now I am taking a quick between-essay break to catch up with everyone's blogs and update here.

First, I would like to say a big heartfelt thank you to Jen, Tiara, Nell, Evelyn, The Riveting Mama, SMC in STL, and Shannon for your comments on my last post. They really meant a lot to me, more than I can express in a few words on here!
As for my blog, I still have not figured out what to do with this space but there are some ideas bouncing around in my head. Likely it will end up being a hodgepodge of sorts.

Now, off to catch up on blogs before I drag myself back to the essay I should be doing.

Going Somewhere, Slowly

I've known for a while now that I wouldn't make my original goal of starting TTC at age 30. But it really hit home when I quit that last crappy job and started up school again. And ever since then I have debated what to do with this blog.

I intended for this space to focus on Thinking, Planning, Trying, Becoming, Being, etc. A way to connect with other women who were going down the same path. This was supposed to be a place to share the feelings I have about this process that I can't share with anyone in real life.

But here I am two and half years later and the Thinking phase is done. Unless the mythical Mr. Right sees fit to gallop up in shining armor, I will become a Single Mother by Choice. My mind is made up on that.

Next has come the Planning phase, and honestly until I can set an actual TTC start date, I am afraid there isn't much more I can do in this phase. At least nothing worth writing about. So I am stuck.

My blog doesn't really belong amongst the blogs I follow anymore and I feel rather stupid for starting it so far ahead of when I actually needed to.

And yet, I've found I like blogging, at least when I find the time for it. And I enjoy following everyone's journeys. So I really don't know what to do. Should I come up with a photo challenge? Talk about my crafts or other projects? Do a combination of things? That might occupy a little time, but for all I know it will be years before I can move on to the Trying phase.

What do I do with this space in the meantime?

Best For Last?

As I was dreaming of the future for about the millionth time I began to wonder how I would know, truly know, when the time was right to start trying for a baby. Sure, there are things I want to have in place first like a steady job, my own apartment or house, and some money in savings.

But when I finally have those things, what then?

I remember as a kid whenever my parents would take my siblings and I out for pizza and ice cream, or to the park, we would always have to stop first at the business my parents owned and wait while they did mundane things like paperwork and cleaning.
It got to the point where every time this would happen my siblings and I would shout "worst for first, best for last!!......worst for first, best for last!!"

Somehow this mantra has stuck with me. I seem to want to save all the best things for last so I can always have something to look forward to. I think I'm under the delusion that somehow, once everything else is accomplished, I'll have time to truly savor my most cherished goals.

The flipside, of course, is waiting so long that accomplishing these goals becomes impossible and that would be more heartbreaking by far. So how do I find that happy medium?