How I Know That Having a Baby is What I Really Want

I was thinking the other day about how much easier my life would be if I just gave up on the dream of having a baby.

I could go to graduate school, or get another bachelor's degree, or pursue any degree I wanted because it wouldn't matter how long it took me to finish. I wouldn't be a slave to my biological clock. And it wouldn't matter how much money it cost, or whether I could reasonably be guaranteed a job that would pay a decent amount. I would only have myself to provide for.

I could get a job that involved heavy lifting or weird hours. I wouldn't have to think in terms of future pregnancy or parenting.

I could get a one-bedroom or even studio apartment and I wouldn't even need a yard. I would only need room for me.

I could move to any city, state, or country I wanted. I wouldn't need to stay near my family for support.

I could use any money I saved for things like traveling, or buying land and getting some horses like I still occasionally dream of. I wouldn't need the money for doctor visits, medication, or treatments. I wouldn't need the money for daycare or a nanny or any other large expenses that come with children.

I could make travel plans for years in the future. I wouldn't need to plan around potential TTC, pregnancy, or baby.

I could stop worrying about whether I ovulate, or if I'm fertile at all.


Yet, despite all these possibilities, I cannot fathom giving up - especially before I've even tried. It's the dream I've had for longer than I can remember and it shapes so much of who I see myself as being.

It fills my daydreams and my thoughts and my imagination. It motivates me to keep working towards the goals I need to accomplish before I can finally turn all my energy to this dream.

And though any of the possibilities I mentioned might make my life easier in the short-term, all of them combined couldn't fill the void that would be left if I tucked my dreams of baby away with the other dreams that will never be fulfilled.