Love & Marriage, Part I

A friend of mine I'll call W, who is sort of an ex, announced his engagement on FB this past week. I am happy for him, I truly am. He had a crush on me way back in my first college days, and we went on one date, but I just could never seem to feel anything for him beyond friendship. Yet, for some reason, his engagement post was like a kick in the gut. I had been riding the high of finishing school, and suddenly I was back to thinking about the past, and the future, and all the paths I might never get to walk down. Paths like marriage. And I realized that, for whatever reason, W's engagement announcement was really, really affecting me. And all this past week I've tried to analyze why.

Perhaps it's because of recent events in my own relationship...

My boyfriend and I have had a tradition of watching the Triple Crown races. We've watched them at the same bar together since long before we were dating. And long before he and I ever met, I was watching those races as a horse-obsessed kid, hoping to see a Triple Crown happen in my lifetime.

Apparently my boyfriend joked to the bartender that he would propose to me if a horse won the Triple Crown. Right after American Pharoah crossed the finish line to become the first Triple Crown winner since 1978, my boyfriend pulled out a giant fake ring and put it on my finger. The regulars at the bar all thought it was a legitimate proposal, one guy even took a picture, and the bartender paid for our food and beers. Knowing my boyfriend, I knew it was a joke, but he was too embarrassed to fess up after everyone else thought it was real.

But after that day, he started asking me about ring sizes, and what style do I like, etc. And I started panicking. There are some very real things wrong with our relationship. One of them being that he is a workaholic.

He said his workaholic ways would get better if we started dating. They've actually only gotten worse. He lives very near work, and he is the boss's right-hand man, so he is there constantly. He is scheduled to work six days a week, but comes in on the seventh, as well as after hours, to do extra (often unpaid) work. Up until recently he also had a night shift at another job a couple days a week that only ended because the supervisor, who was his friend, left.

He complains that we never get to hang out much, but when we both have time off he never seems able to relax. He's always worrying about something he thinks needs to be done at work and he's often grumpy because of that. Lately I've gotten the impression that he feels hanging out with me is a waste of precious time that he could be spending finishing up his never-ending work projects.

Yet, he still calls to say he misses me and wishes we could hang out more. The words just don't match the actions. (And in case you're wondering, I'm about 99% sure he's not cheating. I'm also 100% sure he's not pulling some fraud scheme at work.) He's just plain a workaholic, and it's driving a wedge in our relationship and our friendship. That, plus a few other issues, is why I freak out at the thought of him proposing for real.

So.....has W's engagement affected me so much because he's happy and in love, while here I sit with a boyfriend who is so close, and yet so far from being marriage material that it frustrates me, and I'm beginning to wonder if it wouldn't be kinder to both of us if he and I broke up?

Or, am I affected because my boyfriend's fake proposal came so close to being real that it feels like I, too, should have been announcing an engagement?

Or is it something else entirely?........

School's Out Forever

Stick a fork in me, I'm done!!! Now the equally daunting, but far more exciting, things begin.

Currently I'm at my old job, with up to full-time hours at higher pay (yay!) but I am also looking into other jobs that use more of the skills I so recently learned in school.

More exciting than that - I am starting my own business!!! It will be a very small business, which is just how I want it. It's going to take a lot of work, and, frankly, it's very intimidating to start a business, but I believe in the beauty of my dream, and it's worth a try, right?!

As of now I am stuck on finding the perfect name for my business. Once that happens I have to screw up enough courage to take the plunge and start buying stuff for it, as well as applying for licenses, etc.

Lots to do!

Times They Are a Changin'

I have decided that I will be moving out sometime before May 13, 2016. That date will mark the ten-year anniversary of me moving back in after I graduated college the first time. I have no desire to make it an even ten years, so I am declaring to the universe that that is my plan. Those of you reading the blog can hold me accountable to it.

I imagine that when I do move out, I will move into an apartment. This means some problems and annoyances but it's either that or stay home, and I just can't stay home forever.

Unless, of course, I snag a great job, or two, or three. That might make it possible to buy a home next spring, if the bank would look kindly on my job situation. But, I'm not counting on that, so I'll stick with my apartment plan for now.

Now I need to decide what I can and can't live without as far as apartments go. There isn't a lot of good selection in my town, and even studios seem rather pricey. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what is available when the time comes.

Updates

I knew going into Spring semester that I would be busy, and that things like blogging would fall by the wayside. I have tried to keep up with everyone, reading when I could, but I've barely had time for any commenting. Now that the semester is done I hope I can be a little more active again.

Speaking of the end of the semester, I'm still in a bit of a shock that it's done. After a constant merry-go-round of homework, I feel a little guilty spending time doing things I want to do right now. I have to constantly remind myself that the homework is done, that there's nothing I'm forgetting, that it's all over. At least for the next week or so. Then I start my one final class, which should thankfully last only six weeks. After that, I can heave a very big sigh of relief!

So that's the update on school. As for other things, my brother gets married in a couple weeks and their wedding invitation (of all things!) confirmed they are wanting to have kids as they requested monetary donations, in lieu of gifts, in order to pay for fertility-related surgery.

My boyfriend and I remain together......for now. He keeps saying I should go find someone else (after convincing me that I needed to be with him!). Then he says I should pursue getting pregnant by a donor and he and I can raise it together. Honestly, sometimes I feel like a spectator in my own relationship. It's weird, it's complicated, and it's likely to end in us just being friends like we were before, and I think we'd both be fine with that, but at the moment we're in a good place and so we're just going with the flow.

Anyway, I have lots more to talk about, some of which I am very excited about, but I think I will stop there for now. Hopefully my one summer class, plus work, won't take up all of my time and I will be able to get back here soon!

Jealousy of a (not so) Different Kind

When my sister had her first kid I wanted nothing more than to have my kids close in age to hers so the cousins could grow up together. My brother also had a kid a year apart from my sister's second baby and it seemed like we could all have kids close in age. But I realized several years ago that I was just so far behind that that was never going to happen.

Eventually I got over the idea, thanks in part to something my mom said. I may have talked about this on the blog before, but when my sister was pregnant with her third kid (my parents' fourth grandchild) my mother was talking to me about my sister's pregnancy and how the baby was due soon and my mom said "it's just not as exciting anymore".

At first I was devastated to hear her say that. It seemed like I would be the only one excited about my own baby if I went ahead with becoming an SMC. However, I know my mom loves babies and I hoped that given enough time between my sister's last kid and my first that it would seem special and new again.

Now the youngest grandchild is six years old and I know my mom misses the babysitting she used to do. I knew she'd be excited if I got pregnant sometime in the next few years. Suddenly I was okay with my kids not being close in age to their cousins.

And then my brother proposed to his girlfriend of one year. They are planning on getting married this May. And while I'm happy that he's happy, his fiancee is not someone I would ever naturally be friends with. Let's just say she and I are diametrically opposed on several topics and she can be a bit rude at times.

Anyway, I know my brother wouldn't mind more kids, he even had a dream they had twins! And with them getting married in May I'm sure it's only a matter of time before there's a little one on the way.

And just like that, if I become an SMC, it'll go back to me being the only one excited about me having a baby. (And becoming an SMC still seems to be the most likely possibility considering things with my boyfriend are just not going that well right now).